1994 skit: Naked Station 51.6

© 1994 Surfin' Chili

---

[note: all team members join in saying THE LAST, BEST HOPE FOR HUMANITY]

NARRATOR: We begin our story aboard OV-106, the Space Shuttle Boondoggle, on the mission to deploy the fifth Tethered Satellite System experiment, TSS-5, THE LAST, BEST HOPE FOR HUMANITY.

CAPTAIN: Scotty, deploy the TSS-5, THE LAST, BEST HOPE FOR HUMANITY.

SCOTTY: Aye, Cap'n. Deploying the satellite.

[all watch it deploy faster than it should]

CAPTAIN: Scotty, something seems to be wrong! Why is the satellite still deploying?

SCOTTY: I can't hold it Cap'n, I'm reeling it in as fast as I can!

CAPTAIN: Bones, isn't there anything you can do?

BONES: Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a fisherman!

NARRATOR: We now move to the office of the JSC Center Director, Scarlett Huntoon. [music: "Gone with the Wind" theme]

[enter Mission Manager]

MISSION MANAGER: Miss Scarlett, we have a problem with the Shuttle!

SCARLETT: The Shuttle? What is it?

MISSION MANAGER: It's a reusable spacecraft that can achieve a low Earth orbit and upon which all our jobs depend, but that's not important right now. It seems that the TSS-5 satellite, THE LAST, BEST HOPE FOR HUMANITY, has slipped the surly bonds of Earth and touched the face of God.

SCARLETT: Well, my word, hasn't this happened before?

MISSION MANAGER: Yes ma'am. As I'm sure you remember, TSS-1 did not deploy. [effect: stagehand holds helium balloon by neck and string, then lets go of the balloon which stops rising after a foot]

TSS-2 exploded. [effect: stagehand pops balloon]

TSS-3 mysteriously deflated rapidly. [effect: release untied non-helium balloon and let it fly away]

SCARLETT: And TSS-4? [effect: stretch untied non-helium balloon and let the air screech out]

Well, whatever happened to the current mission?

MISSION MANAGER: It seems that payload commander Aldrich Ames bumped the switch that freezes the hand controller of the satellite. We think he is a Russian spy.

SCARLETT: Has President Clinton been debriefed?

MISSION MANAGER: No ma'am, he wears jockey shorts. Anyway, he is in England right now protesting our involvement in Bosnia.

[Errand Boy enters the room]

ERRAND BOY: Miss Scarlett, Miss Scarlett, the Yankee Congress is at the door!

[Congressmen are chanting CUTS! CUTS!]

SCARLETT: The Congress, what is it?

ERRAND BOY: It's a bicameral legislative body, elected by the voters, dedicated to wasting money and writing bad checks, but that's not important right now. It seems that the errant TSS-5, THE LAST, BEST HOPE FOR HUMANITY, has wrapped itself around the Space Station and is threatening to bring the entire structure tumbling into the atmosphere.

SCARLETT: [to Mission Manager] What are you prepared to do?

MISSION MANAGER: Don't look at me, Miss Scarlett, I don't know nothing 'bout berthing no Space Station!

SCARLETT: Well my word, does anybody have any ideas?

ERRAND BOY: Miss Scarlett? There's only one man for this job. Shuttle Commander Pat McGroin!

NARRATOR: [music: "Naked Gun" theme] Yes, Commander Pat McGroin, cousin of that famous police detective Frank Drebbin. The only shuttle pilot capable of pulling off such a suicidal recovery mission. Or the only person dumb enough to get hornswaggled into it.

[Scarlett enters Pat McGroin's office]

SCARLETT: Commander McGroin, we need you for a dangerous mission to rescue the Space Station.

PAT McGROIN: I'm through with doing that any more, Miss Scarlett. I still haven't recovered from that episode with the WCS.

SCARLETT: The WCS? I don't remember any trouble with the Waste Containment System on any of your missions.

PAT McGROIN: No, it was the Whitewater Congressional Subcommittee. [Congressmen chant CUTS! CUTS!]. I never should have said anything about Hillary, pork bellies, and Amway.

SCARLETT: Truly, you must be over that by now.

PAT McGROIN: I'll never be over Hillary, and stop calling me Truly. Anyway, why don't you get Pierre Toilette to do it? He did such a great job with the Intelsat recovery.

SCARLETT: His plane went down over Macho Grande.

PAT McGROIN: Over Macho Grande?

SCARLETT: No, I'll never be over Macho Grande. Pat, only YOU [points] can prevent forest fires. [McGroin looks strangely at Scarlett] ... or save the Space Station.

PAT McGROIN: [stagehands hum "Battle Hymn of the Republic" quietly] OK, OK, I'll do it. But I'm doing it for the children, so that they can look up into the night and realize that we are out there, in space, forging a new and brighter future for them and their families with the hope that one day this stone we call Earth will unite as one in peace and brotherly love. [stagehands finish up with "... his truth is marching on!"]

SCARLETT: That was beautiful. I didn't know you felt that way.

PAT McGROIN: I don't. That was just my Oscar clip.

NARRATOR: Commander Pat McGroin agrees to fly the rescue mission. But the mission is full of hazards and pitfalls.

[Mission Manager and Capcom are trying to reach McGroin from Mission Control]

CAPCOM: This is Capcom Jack Blow, come in Pat McGroin. Blow to McGroin. Do you read me? Over. [turns to Mission Manager] Ma'am, we haven't been able to contact Commander McGroin for the last 3 minutes. What should we do?

MISSION MANAGER: That's OK, we'll be able to pick him up when he passes over the tracking station in Macho Grande.

CAPCOM: Over Macho Grande? You fool, he'll never be over Macho Grande. I'll try him again. Blow to McGroin. Blow to McGroin. Come in McGroin.

PAT McGROIN: [floating in space, wrestling with the TSS-5] McGroin to Blow. Sorry about that. I was incontinent there for a while.

CAPCOM: Don't you mean over the continent?

PAT McGROIN: Call it what you will, but there is a real mess up here. I seem to be having a problem getting the TSS-5 satellite, THE LAST, BEST HOPE FOR HUMANITY, loose from the Space Station.

CAPCOM: You have to do something quick! We estimate that if you don't release the Station in the next few minutes, it will tumble back to Earth! Do whatever it takes, McGroin. Try, McGroin, try!

NARRATOR: In a flash of brilliance, Pat McGroin realizes what he must do to save the Space Program.

[McGroin starts to suck the helium out of the balloon TSS-5]

PAT McGROIN: [in high helium voice] McGroin to Blow, I think I have found it!

CAPCOM: It's working! It's working! Keep sucking, McGroin!

PAT McGROIN: [high helium voice] Oui oui, I am not afraid! How much time do I have left?

CAPCOM: Only seconds! Suck, McGroin, suck! Harder, harder!

PAT McGROIN: [high helium voice] If I suck any harder I'll turn into Tonya Harding.

CAPCOM: That's it! You've done it, McGroin! Miss Scarlett has some words for you.

SCARLETT: You've saved us all, McGroin! Thank you.

PAT McGROIN: Thank you, Miss Scarlett. Now will you realize the futility of these experiments?

SCARLETT: Oh, yes, with God as my witness, I will never fly a tether again. Commander Pat McGroin, you've just unraveled the Space Station and saved the entire Space Program. What will you do now?

PAT McGROIN: I'm going to go eat some SURFIN' CHILI!

[all team members give the T-E-A-M TEEEEEEAAAAM DRINK! cheer]

---

cast (in order of appearance):

Narrator: Andrea Podsiadlo

Captain: Roje Yap

Scotty: Chris Niemann

Bones: Lee Coggins

Mission Manager: Robin Hieber

Scarlett: Alan Groskreutz

Errand Boy: Tim Griffiths

Pat McGroin: Michael Grabois

Capcom: Jose Lozano

1993: The Branch Pythagoreans

Never ones to stop at political correctness, the 1993 skit was a combination of the Branch Davidian debacle and the turmoils in the Space Station contract. The skit was about a mathematical cult that believes Gene Kranz is the reincarnation of the Greek mathemetician Pythagoras: the Branch Pythagoreans.

We kicked everyone else's sorry butt all across the Gilruth Center compound. Unfortunately, the judges failed to agree, as we went trophy-less.


Despite the tragic ending to the events at Waco, we felt we couldn't compromise our own principles and create a new skit for the FOD cookoff. Plus, we couldn't come up with a new one.

High/lowlights: Still more Cherry Bombs, Sally's duet with Alan on "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights", Roje ending up in the mud, Pat McGroin, and the Top Five Space Babes.

1993 skit: The Branch Pythagoreans

© 1993 Surfin' Chili

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[CNN Music, James Earl Jones saying "This... is CNN.]

ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this chili cookoff for a Chili News Network special report. We take you live to CNN Headquarters in Clear Lake, Texas for the first installment of "Crisis on Orbit: Freedom Held Hostage, Day 1."

PAT: Good afternoon, I'm Pat McGroin. We have a reporter on the scene of a reported takeover of the Space Station Freedom by a cult group. On the scene, orbiting 220 nautical miles above the earth, is our correspondent, Wolf Brand Chili. Wolf Brand? What can you tell us about this group?

WOLF: Pat, the Space Station has been taken over by a group called the Branch Pythagoreans. This group is a mathematical cult that believes that Gene Kranz is the reincarnation of the Greek mathematician Pythagoras. They also worship right angles.

PAT: So they're a bunch of squares?

WOLF: We have unconfirmed reports that is true.

PAT: Wolf Brand, can you tell us how this all happened?

WOLF: Pat, this group of people are followers of a man named John Aaron, who used to be in charge of the Space Station Work Package II project. After his reassignment, he and his fanatical band of Space Station Zealots have commandeered the Space Station Freedom. The first government agency on the scene was the newly reorganized ATF, that's the Bureau of Anarchy, Taxation, and Free-Health-Care. During their attempt to reclaim Freedom, four ATF agents were exposed to potentially lethal doses of Planet Texas chili. Doctors are pessimistic about their chances of survival due to the toxic nature of the Planet Texas sludge.

PAT: Thank you Wolf Brand; we have to take a break now. We'll be back after these messages.

ANNOUNCER: We'll have more in our continuing coverage of "Crisis on Orbit: Freedom Held Hostage, Day 1", sponsored by Surfin' Chili, Producers of such fine films as "Surfin' Chili and the Holy Grail", "Chili Instinct", "A Few Good Chilis", and "A Chili Runs Through It."


COMMERCIAL


BILL & AL: [in unison] It's Bill's World, party on, tax and spend, don't inhale, all right.

BILL: [brushing hair behind ears] OK... In support of our latest bus tour, we now present our list of the top five space babes of all time. OK, our number five Space Babe is Marsha Ivins. Just look at this Glamour Shot pose! Shwing!


AL: She's a babelicious babetician from Babe-alonia!

BILL: Good one, my vice-dude. Space Babe number four is Sally Ride. Not only was she the first American woman in space, but she's the only Space Babe to have a song written about her. [sound clip of "Ride Sally Ride" song]


AL: [in serious tone] Next on our list of Space Babes is rookie astronaut Eileen Collins, the first woman pilot astronaut. We've included her here as a tribute and a symbol of the post-modern feminism that has triumphed over the prevailing good-old boy mentality that has so pervaded our society.


BILL: Ooooo-kay. Let's move on. Space Babe number two is the first woman in space, Valentina Tereshkova. The woman cosmonaut with the hairy armpits that looks like an East German swimmer.


AL: We've included her here as a sorbet, if you will, to cleanse the palate.

BILL: And now, the number one Space Babe of all time, past, present and future, is... that curvaceous animated vixen, Judy Jetson! [catcalls from audience]


ANNOUNCER: Look for Bill and Al taking money out of a wallet near you. Now back to our continuing coverage of "Crisis on Orbit: Freedom Held Hostage, Day 1."

PAT: Welcome back to Chili News Network. We switch you now to the home of former President George Bush for his reaction to the takeover. With the President is Anita Martini-Margarita.

ANITA: Thanks, Pat. Mr. President, what are your thoughts on this grave matter?

BUSH: [ad libs] ...thousand points of light... [ad lib] ...not gonna do it... [ad lib] ...wouldn't be prudent... [ad lib] ...not at this juncture... [ad lib] (etc.)

[ANITA tries to interrupt with "Yes, but..." but keeps getting cut off. She eventually drags BUSH away.]

PAT: We have just recieved a pre-recorded message from the Branch Pythagoreans. We are to play it as a condition for ending the siege. Due to the necessarily technical content of this message, we would like to caution our less intelligent viewers and any members of management. [plays message]

TAPE: [pre-taped, spoken over "Star Trek" sound effects] It's so clear and simple... the solution is the fact that the square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides! I mean... how long will it be until the people realize that the square root of -1 just isn't real... it's not real, man!... it's imaginary! Now, now, we have come here to integrate, not differentiate. I don't want to go off on a tangent, but consider the transcendentalism of pi. [background chanting of "pi" like a mantra]. In summation, we are prepared to take this to the limit as time goes to infinity! T-E-A-M teeeeeeeam Drink! (Tim's the Devil) [in small voice] Oui, oui, I am not afraid!

PAT: [stunned tone] Uhhh, yeah... Now we have an interview with the Acting President of the United States, Hillary Ride-em Clinton.

HILLARY: Why can't we all just get along?

PAT: I'm sorry, Madame President, but we have to interrupt, there's late breaking action.

HILLARY: But what about my healt care reforms?

PAT: I'm sorry, we have to go. Wolf Brand, what do you have?

HILLARY: Just like a man to pull out before the job's done.

WOLF: We've just leaned that the combined forces of HUD, White House lobbyists, and various special interest groups have invaded the Space Station in an attempt to convert it to low income housing.

PAT: What happened to the Pythagoreans?

WOLF: The combined forces blanketed the Space Station with leaflets describing the Clinton budget plan. The Branch Pythagoreans were so confused by the mathematics involved that they were all driven insane, fell into a catatonic state, and led away bound in straitjackets.

PAT: Thank you, Wolf Brand. Well, the Space Station Freedom has been returned to safety. This has been a special report from the Chili News Network. "Crisis on Orbit: Freedom Held Hostage, Day 1". We now return you to your regularly scheduled chili cookoff.

---

cast (in order of appearance):

Announcer: Andrea Podsiadlo

Pat McGroin: Michael Grabois

Wolf Brand Chili: Roje Yap

Bill Clinton: Alan Groskreutz?

Al Gore: Tim Griffiths

George Bush: Jeff Schikner

Anita Martini-Margarita: Misty Schikner

Tape: Alan Groskreutz and Surfin' Chili

Small voice on tape: Lee Coggins

Hillary Ride-em Clinton: Sally Jurgens


not appearing but helping anyway:

Robin Hieber

Kevin Shireman

1992: Surfin' Chili and the Holy Space Station

Skit time, prime time. We hit the ground running and never looked back. Take no prisoners, damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead. We were loaded for bear, pedal to the metal, full throttle, and other similar metaphors.

With some help from others, David Rose and I came up with the skit for the year: a combination of "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" and the then-current NASA leadership trying to win funding and secure partners for what was then called Space Station Freedom. Throw in a little JSC politics, and we had a killer script: Surfin' Chili and the Holy Space Station.

FOD Awards:

• 1st Place trophy for Showmanship (We kicked some serious ass that year!)
  
• 1st Place ribbon for Pyramid Build
  
• 2nd Place ribbon for Grapefruit Pass
  
• 3rd Place ribbon for Space Trivia
  

The RSOC judges continued their unbroken streak of not awarding us any trophies.


Just like Iraq was defeated by the Allied Forces in the Gulf War the previous year, so too was Surfin' Chili vanquished at the hands of the RSOC Rules Committee. In our honor, they passed the so-called "Surfin' Chili" rule for the RSOC cookoff: No object may be propelled through the air or on the ground that could cause a hazard to the team cooking areas, participants, or the public. This includes, but is not limited to, activities such as "Scud" water balloon strikes that occurred at last year's cookoff.

Surfin' Chili would also like to categorically deny any involvment or knowledge of any activities pertaining to beer kegs being left in NASA Buildings 1 (JSC Administrative offices) and 4 (Astronaut office) after the Cookoff Kickoff meeting.

High/lowlights of the year: Sally's duet with Michael on "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights", Bob Marley on the tunes, "Oui oui, I am not afraid", and yet more Cherry Bombs.

1992 skit: Surfin' Python and the Holy Space Station

© 1992 Michael Grabois, David Rose, and Surfin' Chili

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NARRATOR: It is the last decade of the 20th century. In the wake of the firing of the NASA Administrator, Admiral Richard Truly, the nation, Houston, and the Johnson Space Center are living a national nightmare:

BARROW: Bring out your dead programs! Bring out your dead programs!

[People are tossing various NASA programs into the wheelbarrow. Among them are CRAF, AFE, Shuttle-C, and ACRV]

PERSON1: 'Ere you go, mate. I'm gonna miss the ol' crumb.

ASRM: I'm not dead yet!

PERSON1: Yes you are.

BARROW: He says he's not dead!

PERSON1: Well, he will be very soon.

ASRM: I'm expecting funding any day now!

PERSON1: No you're not--you'll be stone dead in a moment.

BARROW: I can't take him like that; it's against regulations!

ASRM: I don't want to go!

PERSON1: Oh, don't be such a baby. Look, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? This program will be dead by then.

BARROW: No, I've got to get over to the Pentagon. They've already lost 9 programs today.

PERSON1: Look, isn't there something we can do?

ASRM: I'm under budget! I'm under budget!

BARROW: [looks around, knocks ASRM on the head and dumps him into the pile]

[At this point, the three travelers walk in. They mumble quietly to each other, comparing notes, etc. QUAYLE looks kind of clueless.]

PERSON1: Hey, who's that?

BARROW: It's the Vice President of the United States of America.

PERSON1: How can you tell?

BARROW: He doesn't have shit all over him.

[BARROW and PERSON1 walk off.]

NARRATOR: During the madness of the nineties, the Chairman of the National Space Council set out to give the space program new meaning and direction. He brought with him two of the most important men in NASA: Admiral Richard Truly and Mission Operations Directorate head Gene KRANZ.

[The group walks off, followed by intermission.]


INTERMISSION:

[STSOC chant:] DON'T CHARGE A SLASH S OR P, GREEN TIME'S WHAT WE WANT TO SEE...

[MOD chant:] TOURISTS SPEND A HARD-EARNED BUCK, HOPE THE DISNEY THING WON'T SUCK...

[Bang notebooks into heads and repeat chant]


NARRATOR: The travellers are soon surprised when the VP has a vision:

BUSH: [voice only] Now Dan, it wouldn't be prudent for you to continue on this course.

QUAYLE: [drops to his knees] Oh, Mr. President, it's you!

BUSH: Oh, don't grovel! Read my lips: I can't stand people who grovel!....Now, what are you doing?

QUAYLE: [bowing] We're not worthy! We're not worthy!

BUSH: Well stop it! You're like those miserable Gallup polls, they're so depressing! Dan, head of the Space Council, you and your staff shall have the task to move people forward in these dark times, like one of the thousand points of light!

QUAYLE: Good idea, Mr. President!

BUSH: Of course it's a good idea! [Someone holds up a picture of the Station] Behold the Space Station Freedom! You must fund and construct this wondrous orbiting laboratory-- it is your only purpose! But it is a mighty venture and will require the help of others. You must now travel to the corners of the earth and find us some partners!

QUAYLE: And when we have it built, can I have some friends over and go play inside?

BUSH: No! Now go!

[The group walks around to the tune of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. They stop at a bridge crossing the Pacific; a man sits in front of it.]

OLD MAN: Those who wish to cross the bridge of death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see....

QUAYLE: [stepping forward] I'll go first!

OLD MAN: WHAT...is your name?

QUAYLE: I am J. Danforth QUAYLE, Vice President of the United States!

OLD MAN: WHAT...is your quest?

QUAYLE: To fund and build the Space Station Freedom.

OLD MAN: WHAT...is your favorite branch of the armed forces?

QUAYLE: Why, the Indiana National Guard, of course.

OLD MAN: [cheerily] Alright, off you go!

[TRULY steps forward.]

OLD MAN: WHAT...is your name?

TRULY: Admiral Richard Truly, former Director of NASA.

OLD MAN: WHAT...is your quest?

TRULY: To fund and build the Space Station Freedom.

OLD MAN: WHAT...is your favorite shuttle payload?

TRULY: Uh, Hubble...No, Spacelab! TDRS! Aaaarrrrrgggghhhhh!

[OLD MAN shoots TRULY, who goes flying off to the side. KRANZ cautiously steps forward. "Stars and Stripes Forever" plays in the background.]

OLD MAN: WHAT...is your name?

KRANZ: I am Gene KRANZ, head of the Mission Operations Directorate at JSC.

OLD MAN: WHAT...is your quest?

KRANZ: To fund and build the Space Station Freedom.

OLD MAN: WHAT...is the end of mission touchdown velocity of a heavyweight space shuttle orbiter?

KRANZ: Is that on a concrete or lakebed runway?

OLD MAN: What? I don't know that! Aaaarrrrrgggghhhhh!

[KRANZ shoots OLD MAN, who goes flying off to the side and the rest of the group crosses the bridge. Meanwhile, the second intermission....]


INTERMISSION:

[STSOC chant:] BONDS FOR SHOWING UP EACH DAY, TAXES TAKE IT ALL AWAY.

[MOD chant:] TEAM EXCELLENCE AND TQM, THIS WILL BE OUR REQUIEM.

[Bang notebooks into heads and repeat chant]


NARRATOR: The group stopped first in Japan to find a partner....

JAPAN: Konichiwa! What do you want?

QUAYLE: It is I, Dan QUAYLE of the National Space Council. Whose HQ is this?

JAPAN: This is the headquarters of NASDA, the National Space Development Agency of Japan!

QUAYLE: Tell your director that if he will give us some modules, he can join our space station!

JAPAN: Well, I'll ask, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see.

QUAYLE: Are you sure he's got one?

JAPAN: Oh, yes, it's very nice.

QUAYLE: Can we come in and have a look?

JAPAN: No way! You are lazy American types!

QUAYLE: Then what are you?

JAPAN: We are Japanese! Why else do you think we have this outrageous accent, you silly man!

QUAYLE: If we can't see your mockups, we shall have to vomit on your prime minister again!

JAPAN: You don't frighten us, American pig dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, silly NASA men, and all your silly American congressmen!

QUAYLE: [to KRANZ] What a strange person!

JAPAN: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!

QUAYLE: Um, is there anyone else I can talk to?

JAPAN: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

QUAYLE: Now look here, we've been more than reasonable....

[JAPAN begins tossing Japanese cars, computers, and TVs at the Americans, who flee]

ALL: Run away! Run away!

[After running away, the two regroup]

QUAYLE: Well, that worked about as well as my presidential chances. Hey, doesn't someone else have a space program?

KRANZ: The Russians have had a space station for years....Those godless un-American commies....

QUAYLE: No, Gene, it's OK, they're our friends now. Aren't they selling their MIR space station?

KRANZ: Well, actually, the Japanese bought that one too, right between the Seattle Mariners and KSC. But they do have other things. They have the Topaz reactor, the Buran shuttle, the Soyuz space capsules, they've got... [uses his hands to express] huuuuuge boosters....

NARRATOR: The defeat in Tokyo seems to utterly dishearten the travellers. The ferocity of the Japanese taunting took them completely by surprise. So it was off to Moscow to deal with the Russians. They were turned away, however, as the former Soviets were too busy trying to figure out the secret of McDonald's Special Sauce. (We could have told them it was really just Russian dressing....)

[As NSC leaves, third intermission]


INTERMISSION:

[STSOC chant:] TEAM EXCELLENCE AND TQM, THIS WILL BE OUR REQUIEM.

[MOD chant:] KEGS IN BUILDINGS 1 AND 4, WE'RE NOT THE ONES YOU'RE LOOKING FOR...

[Bang notebooks into heads and repeat chant]


NARRATOR: The last resort of the NSC was to seek the assistance of the shaky consortium known as the European Space Agency, known for its constant in-fighting.

GERMANY: Halt! Who goes there!

QUAYLE: Umm, no one, just, um, Dan QUAYLE, passing through.

ENGLAND: What do you want!

QUAYLE: Nothing really, just, um, just some modules for Space Station Freedom.

FRANCE: Oui, oui, I'm afraid not.

QUAYLE: Well, actually, I'm Vice President of the United States, too.

GERMANY: You're a vice-president? In that case we shall have to impose extra tariffs on you.

FRANCE: Oui, oui, shall I?

ENGLAND: Oh, I don't think so.

FRANCE: Oui, oui, what do I think?

GERMANY: I think let's raise the tariffs. Europe '92 and all that.

ENGLAND: Let's be nice to him.

FRANCE: Oui, oui, oh shut up!

GERMANY: Quick, get the tariffs out, I want to cut his head off!

ENGLAND: Oh, cut your own head off.

FRANCE: Oui, oui, yes, do us all a favor. [to ENGLAND] You're lucky, you don't have to share a border with him.

GERMANY: What do you mean?

FRANCE: Oui, oui, you snore!

GERMANY: Oh, I don't, and besides, you've got bad breath!

ENGLAND: Oh, stop bitching and let's go have tea and biscuits.

FRANCE: Oui, oui, oh, not biscuits.

GERMANY: All right, all right, let's kill him anyway!

ALL: Right!

[But during the bickering, QUAYLE and KRANZ shake their heads in despair and walk off.]

NARRATOR: Realizing that dealing with the ESA would never accomplish anything, the group dejectedly flew across the Atlantic to Washington to meet with Congress one last time before the budget debates.

[QUAYLE and KRANZ run around with arms outstretched, making jet noises, before "landing" and going before Congress.]

CONGRESS1: We are the congressmen who say...CUTS!

CONGRESS2: CUTS! CUTS!

KRANZ: Not the congressmen who say CUTS!

CONGRESS1: The same. We are the keepers of the sacred words, CUTS, DEFICIT, and FILIBUSTER.

QUAYLE: We are sad to report that we could not secure international cooperation for the space station.

CONGRESS2: CUTS! CUTS!

CONGRESS1: You know that this means we shall have to CUT your funding...

[NSC people are wincing at the sound of the word CUTS]

QUAYLE: No, no, anything but that!

CONGRESS2: CUTS! CUTS!

KRANZ: Now look here, you fools! We've had just about enough of this! If you kill the space station, do you know how many JOBS will be lost? Do you know how many JOBS the space program employs in all 50 states, in your constituencies?

[Now CONGRESS1 and CONGRESS2 are wincing at the sound of JOBS]

CONGRESS1: No, stop, don't say that word!

KRANZ: That's right, a lot of JOBS are at stake. And if you don't vote us more money, these people will lose their JOBS and then they'll vote you out of office and you will have to get real JOBS of your own!

CONGRESS2: OK, OK, we'll give you the money! You can have your Holy Space Station!

NARRATOR: And so, in Washington, California, Florida, right here in Houston, and throughout the nation, there was much rejoicing.

ALL: Yeah.

---

cast (in order of appearance):

Alan Groskreutz: Narrator, BUSH, Japan

Andrea Podsiadlo: Person1

Tim Griffiths: BARROW, Germany

Dean Knott: ASRM (STSOC only)

Dean from Austin: ASRM (MOD only)

Jeff Schikner: QUAYLE

Roje Yap: Truly, CONGRESS2

Michael Grabois: KRANZ [co-author]

Robin Hieber: Monk

Sally Jurgens: Monk

Cathy Ciculla: Monk

Heather Peters: Monk (MOD only)

David Rose: Old Man, CONGRESS1 [co-author]

Kevin Shireman: England

Lee Coggins: France

not appearing but helping anyway:

Jeff Nickels: himself

Tori Palmer: herself (STSOC only)

Scott Palmer: himself (STSOC only)

Chris Jolley: himself (MOD only)

Pete Halvorson: Pistol Pete

Pete Maller: Ducky

1991: Skitless in Seattle

This year was the 2nd Annual RSOC Chili Cookoff, which is the warmup to the 13th Annual FOD Chili Cookoff. No skit this time either. But we did come equipped with several new awards, to counter the trophy hunters on the other teams. We were the envy of everyone.

• 9/21/1974 participation trophy for 8th Edison Invitational Cross-Country Meet: Y.D.R.
  
• 1975 Cub Scouts appreciation trophy
  
• 1975 participation trophy for Fords/Clara Barton Boys Baseball League (FCBBBL) Midget Farm Team
  
• 1976 participation trophy for FCBBBL Midget Div. Cubs
  
• 1976 Blue Mountain Youth League Division Champs
  
• 1977 participation trophy for FCBBBL Minor Div. Cubs
  
• 1977 Blue Mountain Youth League Eastern Div. Champs (Shoemakersville, PA)
  
• 1977 1st Single High Game Jaycees Bowling Tournament
  
• 1978 participation trophy for FCBBBL Minor Div. Cubs
  
• 1978 Coal Bowl II Champs
  
• 1978 Berks City Midget League Jr. Champs
  
• 1978/79 Perfect Attendance trophy for Herbert Hoover Jr. High Bowling club
  
• 1979 Berks Youth Babe Ruth League Playoffs
  
• 1980 Mr. Know-it-all Billy Beer Horse's Ass Award
  
• 1982 Hamburg Area High School Spirit Award
  
• 1983 3rd place trophy for Klein JETS Contest in English (Academic)
  

Oh yeah, we also won some awards at the FOD cookoff:

• 2nd Place trophy for Showmanship (and they said we would have ran away with the first place trophy if we had only had a skit)
  
• 1st Place ribbon for Pyramid Build
  
• 2nd Place ribbon for Grapefruit Pass
  

Sadly, the RSOC Cookoff didn't see fit to accord us any honors, despite the fact we obviously deserved them.


With the Gulf War raging, Surfin' Chili had a few Scud attacks of its own. Thanks to Jeff Nickels and his water balloon launcher, the other teams learned the true meaning of surprise attack. Strategically located in the corner of the RSOC cookoff camp, no team was immune from our deadly aim. The Scud attack continued unabated a few weeks later at the FOD cookoff.

Other high/lowlights: The Return of the Cherry Bombs, Ultimate Frisbee in the rain, and endless choruses of "Margaritaville".

1990: A Legend Is Born

We first competed at the 1990 Rockwell Space Operations Company 1st Annual Chili Cookoff, using as our booth the shattered remnants of the "Spaceman Spiff's Intergalactic Chili" booth (used at the NASA/JSC Mission Operations Directorate 12th Annual FOD Chili Cookoff in 1989). The Surfin' Chili "Fat Boyz What Don't Climb" did a great job painting, even if the support struts looked as if they were done by a bunch of drunks (which they were, but that's besides the point). Never mind the fact that our chili pepper mascot is facing the wrong way on the surfboard; he's obviously drunk. But despite their obvious prowess at the skill, Surfin' Chili failed to win the Beer Chug contest. Not that we cared whether we won or lost, just as long as we got to drink beer.

Despite not having a skit, we picked up a number of awards this year, mostly for being way more obnoxious than the other groups:

• special award for best new team (never given before or since)
  
• 1st place ribbon for Pyramid Build
  
• 1st place ribbon for Grapefruit Pass
  
• 3rd place ribbon for Space Trivia
  

Our chili sucked, but that's not the point.

High/lowlights of the day: Robin's Cherry Bombs, Tim starting the tequila shots at 8:00 a.m., and the inverted pyramid.