© 1996 Surfin' Chili
[X-Files theme Music]
Narrator: The truth is stranger than fiction, but the truth IS out there. What follows is a story of the strangeness that surrounds us every day.
Mulder: Scully, I'd like you to take a look at something really strange that I came across while surfing the internet the other day.
Scully: Oh come on, Mulder, did you discover the adult section of the web? You can be fired for that.
Mulder: No, nothing like that. See this?
Scully: So? It looks like a chili pepper on a surfboard.
Mulder: Maybe to you, but I recognized it from this: a crop circle formation from Sally Sandwich -- I mean Middlesex, England last year. I found this on a web page for something called "Surfin' Chili", which claims to be a Johnson Space Center chili cookoff team.
Scully: You're not serious, are you?
Mulder: I did a little digging around, and I discovered that all sorts of strange things have been happening at JSC at intervals coinciding with some weird pagan rituals called chili cookoffs.
Scully: What?
Mulder: There are legends of strange visitors from the skies who used to surf the gravitational waves of space who looked like chili peppers.
Scully: Alien chili peppers?
Mulder: Yes. The idea of a chili cookoff is derived from the ancients' worshipping the aliens by eating them to absorb their powers.
Scully: What proof do you have that something strange is going on?
Mulder: Well I've made several calls to JSC, and I've gotten some interesting responses. For instance . . .
[[Phone Rings]]
Mulder: (punches speakerphone) FBI, Mulder
Deep Chili: So, Agent Mulder, I hear you're interested in Surfin' Chili. Well, that's a good start, but you need to dig deeper, if you want to find out the truth.
Mulder: Who is this?
Deep Chili: You can call me . . . . Deep Chili.
Mulder: What's your connection to all of this?
Deep Chili: Never mind, Agent Mulder. Just remember one of the prime rules of investigation. When in doubt, follow the chili, follow the chili . . . .
[[click]]
Mulder: (to Scully) We're going to JSC. To the X-mobile!!!
Chorus: Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-X-files!
Narrator: The dynamic duo of FBI agents travel to Houston, home of JSC, and other various strange events.
McGroin: Good afternoon, Pat McGroin.
Scully: Excuse me?
McGroin: Pat McGroin, Special Agent Pat McGroin, attached to JSC. I'll take you over to the chili cookoff.
Scully: We're going to go to the cookoff itself?
McGroin: Yes, it seems that the judges' chili samples have mysteriously vanished.
Mulder: I knew it! Alien abduction!
McGroin: We can't say just yet. We suspect that a team known as Surfin' Chili may be responsible. It seems they were accused of stealing beer kegs a few years ago.
Mulder: You see, Scully? Surfin' Chili again. I knew there was a connection. First crop circles, then disappearing beer kegs, now the chili samples We HAVE to find the link. I KNOW it's here!
Scully: You mentioned other strange happenings. What else can you tell us about the cookoff?
McGroin: Well, you see those guys over there? They're called "The Wrong Stuff". I've always had suspicions about them, and now that the Unabomber is on their team....[make sucking breathing sound]. And their chili is just BAD.
Scully: And what about these guys over here?
McGroin: That team was put into power by the most heinous force of the 20th century: Barney the dinosaur.
Mulder: Who's that?
McGroin: That drag queen over there? He's from Acme Chili. They dressed in drag last year to win the skit and decided they liked it. I hear that one's pregnant with Barney's love child.
[man in drag walks by and poses]
Scully: That's a serious innuendo. Any more weird occurrences?
McGroin: Well, the JSC security guards have started giving out tickets for jaywalking.
Scully: Writing tickets? That's hard to believe. Wait, Mulder, look! It's the Surfin' Chili booth!
Mulder: My God, Scully, you're right! It's an exact duplicate of those crop circles I told you about!
Surfin Chili: Would you like to try some of our world-famous chili and cherry bombs? We're the most popular chili team on the internet. People all over cyberspace have flocked to our home page. JSC -- that stands for Just Surfin' Chili, you know.
McGroin: What do you know of the incident of May 1992, when beer kegs mysteriously vanished and then appeared in buildings 1 and 4? Do you know you are the prime suspects in the recent disappearance of the judges' chili samples?
Surfin' Chili: They're blaming us again! But we told them all about the bright lights and the aliens moving the kegs the first time. [offstage]: Oui oui, I'm not afraid!] Oh God! it's happening again, it's happening again! (collapses into fetal position)
Mulder: Bright lights? Aliens? Of course! The Zeta Reticulans!
Scully: Zeta Reticulans? What are you talking about?
Mulder: The Zeta Reticulans are aliens who are also responsible for all the cattle mutilations and keg drainings out in the desert. Somehow they've infiltrated JSC!
Deep Chili: (voice from above that only Mulder hears) Follow the chili, Agent Mulder, follow the chili....
Mulder: Wait! Who are you?
McGroin: Who are you talking to?
Mulder: We have to find those missing judges' samples, or the whole cookoff will be in jeopardy. We need to blow the lid off this alien conspiracy!
Scully: McGroin, are there any differences in this cookoff from past cookoffs?
McGroin: Hmmm. This is the first year for USA. Maybe that has something to do with it.
Mulder: "USA"?
McGroin: United Space Alliance.
All: United Space Alliance-- Hail to the Alliance! (all salute)
Mulder: United Alliance... isn't that redundant?
Scully: No, it's just saying the same thing twice.
Mulder: Of course! The Alliance! They're an all-devouring multinational conglomerate bent upon the absorption and control of everyone and everything. First the space program, then the government, then the world! Their motto is "Conquer and control... for a better tomorrow."
Deep Chili: (appears) You've found the real culprit. USA wanted to take over the chili cookoff, then the space program, then the world.
Scully: But how would that affect what's been happening here every year?
Deep Chili: Every year people act irrationally, psychotically, or delusional because the Merging Aerospace and Defense Contractors Out of Work syndrome.
Mulder: That's M-A-D-C-O-W? [hold up prop]
Deep Chili: Yes, that's right, they're all suffering from MAD COW disease.
McGroin: Well, is there any hope for these poor, broken down, delusional aerospace employees?
Deep Chili: Only one thing. Like I said earlier: follow the chili. The only cure is massive infusions of Surfin Chili. (walks away, handing Mulder a piece of paper)
Scully: Mulder, who was that?
Mulder: An old friend of the space program who left a few years ago. His name and reputation are legendary. Deep Chili is none other than... Gene Kranz.
All: We're not worthy, we're not worthy!
McGroin: What does the paper say?
Mulder: It appears to be a cheer of some kind. T-E-A-M teeeeeeaaaam Drink!
(all sing, to the tune of "Surfin' USA" by the Beach Boys)
If everybody had an ocean,
Across the USA
Then everybody'd eat Surfin',
Surfin' Chili I say.
We'll all be gone for the summer
If we're furloughed today,
So don't forget to vote Surfin'....
Surfin' [hold up sign] USA [hold up sign]
cast (in order of appearance):
Narrator: Chris Niemann
Mulder: Jeff Schickner
Scully: Sally Jurgens
Deep Chili: Brad Sharp
Pat McGroin: Michael Grabois
Unabomber: Jose Lozano
Man in drag: Mark Fleming
Surfin' Chili: Roje Yap
