2003 skit: Too Far From Reality

© Surfin’ Chili 2003

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ANNOUNCER
This is CNN, the Chili News Network. Live from our studios in Houston, Texas, here is Christiane Armand-Bayou.

CHRISTIANE (seated behind a news desk)
Good afternoon. Here are the latest developments in Operation: Chili Freedom. For 25 years, a corrupt regime has terrorized the JSC Chili Cookoff. Why else hasn’t Surfin’ Chili won the best chili trophy in over a decade?!? Well, that regime is rapidly coming to an end. We take you now to CNN correspondent Elvis Rivera, somewhere in Clear Lake. Elvis, can you tell us your status?

ELVIS (standing before a dry erase board)
Yes, Christiane. As you said, I’m embedded with the 3rd Surfing Division in Clear Lake. Let me draw you a map to give you a better idea of where we are.

(Starts drawing on dry erase board. There’s already a map of Clear Lake on it in one color, and he begins drawing on it in another color.)

We started out early this morning from Ellington Air Field and have been making our way slowly down Highway 3 towards the Johnson Space Center ...

(As Elvis draws his map, the 3 M.P.’s walk on stage. They see what Elvis is doing. Two M.P.’s quickly grab Elvis on either side and haul him off stage. Elvis loudly protests the entire way. The third M.P. frantically erases Elvis’ map and carries the dry erase board off stage.)

CHRISTIANE

(Watches Elvis being carried away with disbelief. Appears confused for moment, then quickly composes herself.)

We’re sorry. We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties. And Elvis has left the building!

Earlier today, the 69th Surfing Division took control of Ellington Air Field with little resistance from the Aircraft Operations cookoff team. Witnesses say they dropped their bowls and spoons, took off their team uniforms, and blended in with the population. We have a recording of what the Public Affairs Officer, Edith McRotch, had to say about these events. We would have brought this to you live, but our email server was down.

(Stage hand holds up a sign that says “Recorded Earlier”.)

EDITH

(Edith is wearing a long skirt. There’s a big hole cut out in the back which exposes these huge fake butt cheeks. She’s facing the audience directly, so they don’t see this yet.)

We have driven them back. Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Ellington Airport. The force that was in the airport ... this force was destroyed. The Surfin’ Chili ... they are wild donkeys.

(Edith turns completely around, showing those huge butt cheeks to the audience. She storms off stage.)

(Stage hand holds up a sign that says “Live”.)

CHRISTIANE
Obviously, Edith McRotch is really hanging her butt out on a limb trying to hide the grim reality of their situation.

In other developments, elements from Surfin’ Chili have broken through the gates at JSC and are parading around the JSC campus in a show of strength. Chili cookoff participants, celebrating their liberation from the evil regime, have taken to the streets in jubilant song and dance.

(Group parades across stage with the Surfin’ Chili Dude. Some are singing a Surfin’ Chili Song. Others are dancing.)

CHRISTIANE (receives a piece of paper from a stage hand)
Wait ... this just in. CNN correspondent Pat McGroin is with the Chili Information Minister, live in an exclusive interview! We take you there now. Pat ... ?

PAT
Mr. Minister, what’s your reaction to today’s events?

(As Chili Information Minister is ranting, group is in the background waving frantically in the background.)

CHILI INFORMATION MINISTER
The JSC Chili Cookoff leadership will not be defeated. We have already achieved victory, apart from some technicalities. There are NO Surfin’ Chili infidels on the grounds of JSC. Never! I blame Al-Jazeera! They are marketing for these Surfin’ Chili donkeys.

PAT
Al-Jazeera is reporting that Surfin’ Chili is driving their vehicles through the new security barricades. Apparently, this is less damaging than to drive over the retractable gates. Can you confirm this?

CHILI INFORMATION MINISTER
Do not repeat the lies of liars.

(Backup Singers come from behind the Chili Information Minister and sing a chorus from “Lies” by the Thompson Twins – “Lies, Lies, Lies, Yea-ah”.)

Do not become like them. They're not even within 100 miles of the Gilruth Center. They are not in any place. They hold no place in NASA. I triple guarantee you, there are no Surfin Chili members at JSC.

PAT
How have you confronted Surfin’ Chili?

CHILI INFORMATION MINISTER
We made them eat Buzzard’s Breath Chili last night and this gave Surfin’ Chili a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly.

PAT
Are you afraid that Surfin’ Chili might win this year?

CHILI INFORMATION MINISTER
Oui, oui! I am not afraid and neither should you be! The Surfin’ Chili propaganda is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies!

(Backup Singers come from behind the Chili Information Minister and sing another chorus from “Lies” by the Thompson Twins.)

I now inform you that you are too far from reality. Surfin’ Chili is not worth an old shoe.

PAT
But can’t you see the Surfin’ Chili booth right over there? (points to it)

CHILI INFORMATION MINISTER
They are not at the Gilruth Center. They are not in control of any airport. I tell you this. It is all a lie. They lie. It is a Hollywood movie. You do not believe them. Have you not seen the movie “Wag the Dog”? I have said enough! This interview is over!

(The Chili Information Minister storms off stage. Pat remains behind.)

CHRISTIANE
Pat, is the JSC Chili Information Minister totally insane?!? Anyone can see that Surfin’ Chili remains a huge threat this year. With the Mother of All Cherry Bombs and the GPS-guided Jello shot launchers, it’s clear this conflict will be over soon.

PAT
That’s right, Christiane. I think my colleagues with the 3rd Surfing Division put it best – Surfin Chili is the team to beat this year.

3RD SURFING DIVISION
T – E – A – M Teeeeeeeeeam Drink! (Tim’s the Devil)

- - The End - -

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Cast, in order of appearance:
Announcer**
Christiane Armand-Bayou** -- Stephanie Walker
Elvis Rivera** --
M.P.’s (3) --
Edith McRotch** -- Sally Jurgens
Pat McGroin** -- Roje Yap
Chili Information Minister** -- Michael Grabois
Backup Singers --
** speaking part

2002 skit: Jefferson Howell and the ISS Program Office

SCENE 1: OUTSIDE NASA’S ISS PROGRAM OFFICE

CNN intro music. PAT McGROIN is standing in front of a security checkpoint.

Sight Gag: During PAT's report, a heavily armed commando is stopped by a security guard. The guard asked the commando to remove his shoes for inspection. The commando complies under protest. The guard inspects the shoes, then lets the commando pass.


PAT MCGROIN:

This is a special report of the Chili News Network, coming to you live from the Johnson Space Center in Houston. The elusive and mysterious center director, Jefferson Davis Howell, has taken a cue from Willy Wonka and agreed to open the doors to the Program Office of his International Space Station ... but only to the ones who found ... THESE ... (PAT holds up the tickets: they have a picture of Dan Goldin on them) the three Goldin tickets that were hidden worldwide. Three incredibly lucky people found those Goldin tickets. They are:

• Former Enron CEO Ken Lay
  
• Pop star Britney Spears
  
• Terrorist Osama Bin Ladin
  

Just moments ago, these three people passed into the very nerve center of America’s foothold in space, joined by NASA director Sean O'Keefe and his staff. What incredible wonders will they see in Jefferson Davis Howell’s Space Station Program Office?

Coming up: CNN correspondent Christiane Armand Bayou, with reactions to yesterday’s announcement by the Houston Astros that what was once known as Enron Field will now be known as the League City Little League Field. Reporting from the Johnson Space Center in Houston, this is Pat McGroin.

CNN intro music

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SCENE 2: ISS PROGRAM OFFICE -- FINANCE DEPT.

The group stops in front of a sign that reads “FINANCE DEPT.” The group consists of Howell, Lay, Spears, bin Ladin, O'Keefe, and several people without name tags (the Oompa Loompas). During the rest of the skit, bin Ladin is throwing "poppers" that pop when they hit the ground. He holds his hands over his ears in an exaggerated pose and seems frustrated when the entire set doesn't blow up.

JEFFERSON DAVIS HOWELL:

And here, my dear friends, we have our Finance Department. It’s from here that we pool all our resources in securing the funds necessary to build and operate the International Space Station. For instance, here's our budget spreadsheet. Unfortunately we're spending more than we expected and so our third quarter numbers will be off just a bit.

KEN LAY:

I've been there, Jeff, I know what to do in that situation. (Calls to offstage) Hey Arthur! Arthur Anderson, come here please!

ARTHUR ANDERSON takes the papers from Lay and begins shredding the report.

JEFFERSON DAVIS HOWELL:

Hold on a minute! You can’t do that!! Do you realize what you’re doing?!?!?

ARTHUR ANDERSON:

Oui,Oui! I am not afraid!! Relax, Jeff! No one will ever know what happened! It’ll be as if this report never existed!

SEAN O'KEEFE (to the Oompa Loompas):

We don't allow that stuff here at NASA. OK, guys, take them away.

The OOMPA LOOMPAs take Anderson and Lay offstage. They come back and start singing the Oompa Loompa Song #1.

OOMPA LOOMPAS:

Oompa Loompa, doompadee doo
I have a perfect puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, doompadee dee
If you are wise you will listen to me.

Oompa Loompa, doompadee dah
If you don't shred documents, you will go far.
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do.

The OOMPA LOOMPAS walk off stage.

---

SCENE 3: ISS PROGRAM OFFICE – PUBLIC AFFAIRS OFFICE.

The group stops in front of a desk with a sign on it that reads “PAO.” Britney walks in shaking her hair, sashaying her hips, etc.

JEFFERSON DAVIS HOWELL:

Now this is the Public Affairs Office, or PAO. It's not where we make people's affairs public, but it's where we ensure that the image of NASA is portrayed to the public in a clean, wholesome atmosphere. In other words, this is where all the spin control takes place.

BRITNEY SPEARS:

Like, I totally agree, Jeff. Hey, your name is Howell, are you related to those Gilligan's Island millionaires? I have more money than them, and I can totally see how they'd bring so much of it with them on a three hour tour. What if they stopped and like wanted to buy an island or something? I thought that was pretty cool.

So, like, can I be your spokeswoman? I'm totally IN SYNCH with what you're trying to do and how you present yourself to the world. Hey, do you mind if I smoke?

Britney starts rummaging through her purse – pulls out booze, condoms, a big fat doobie, etc. Finally she finds her cigarettes.

JEFFERSON DAVIS HOWELL:

I'm sorry, Miss Spears, I'm afraid you wouldn't project the right image for NASA. You're sex, drugs, and rock & roll, we're a bunch of engineers. You can't do any of that on site, except at the chili cookoff. I'm afraid you'll have to go.

Britney is escorted offstage by the Oompa Loompas.

OOMPA LOOMPAS:

Oompa Loompa, doompadee doo
I have another puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, doompadee dee
If you are wise you will listen to me.

Oompa Loompa, doompadee day
Sex, drugs, and music – just not our way.
But do that off-site, you will be cool
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do.

The OOMPA LOOMPAS walk off stage.

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SCENE 4: ISS PROGRAM OFFICE – SECURITY DEPT.

JEFFERSON DAVIS HOWELL leads what's left of the group back on to the stage to a sign reading “SECURITY”.

JEFFERSON DAVIS HOWELL:

And we come to our Security Department. Here, we take into account the safety and well-being of employees here at JSC, even the contractors...

Meanwhile, someone hands SEAN O’KEEFE a page which he reads. He shakes his head and moves towards center stage.

SEAN O’KEEFE:

Excuse me, folks. I’m so sorry to interrupt ... !

The entire cast is obviously surprised by SEAN’s sudden appearance. The stage hands come on stage, looking just as confused. SEAN is not part of the skit here.

JEFFERSON DAVIS HOWELL:

What are you doing here? Can’t you see we’re in the middle of a skit?

SEAN O’KEEFE:

I’m sorry folks, but I’m going to have to cancel this project immediately.

The entire cast goes into an uproar. Various people loudly protest.

JEFFERSON DAVIS HOWELL:

WHAT?!?! You can’t be serious!

SEAN O’KEEFE:

I’m afraid so. NASA is well over-budget and, per a directive from the White House, I’m reviewing all of our projects. You see, NASA is on a mission...

He keeps talking but silently. A stagehand holds up a sign that says "2 Hours Later...". O'Keefe finishes his speech with normal voice.

...The investments we make today must be justified by their contributions to the long-range goals of the agency.

Thank you for being a part of America’s space program. I’ll expect your work stop strategy on my desk Monday morning.

SEAN exits the stage. The entire cast is totally upset and grumble amongst themselves. JEFFERSON is totally outraged.

JEFFERSON DAVIS HOWELL:

Well ... there’s only one thing we can do now. And that’s have ourselves a heaping bowl of SURFIN’ CHILI!!

The entire cast lets out a big cheer, and then leads the audience in a S-U-R-F-I-N chant.

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Cast:
Pat McGroin - Gabe
Ken Lay
Arthur Anderson - Lee
Britney Spears - Lisa
Osama bin Ladin
Jefferson Davis Howell
Sean O'Keefe
Oompa Loompas - Sally, Steph

2001 skit: 2001 - A Survivor Anomaly

© 2001 Surfin' Chili

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CAST:
PAT MCGROIN (Gabe) – The host.
CHAD (Lee) -- The winner of the prize. He’s bare-foot and pregnant, but no one in the cast should acknowledge this fact. A pregnant Chad is purely a sight joke.
C.A.U. or Cockpit Avionics Upgrade (Sally) – The runner-up. He actually wins his challenge of revitalizing the aging Shuttle avionics. But despite that and the fact that the crew thinks he’s cool, he’s booted.
AL GORE (Schikner) -- The 1st booted contestant, because he was unable to successfully launch the Triana satellite. (Actually, it was a tie between him and MIR, until CHAD cast the deciding vote.)
GEORGE ABBEY (LeRoy) -- The 2nd booted contestant, because he couldn’t build an International Space Station on time and under budget.
* MIR (Steph) - The 3rd booted contestant, because she couldn’t hit the Taco Bell target.
DENNIS TITO (Mike) -- A millionaire who buys his way into the skit. He’s promptly told to stand next to ISS C&C COMPUTER but not to move or touch anything.
* DENNIS TITO’S ENTOURAGE -- A group of people who follow TITO around.
* ISS (Robin) -- TITO fiddles around this character in the background and sends ISS spinning out of control.

* non-speaking part

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(The survivors solemnly walk onto the stage. The theme music comes on, with the three opening notes from "2001: A Space Odyssey" and then the opening theme from "Survivor". AL GORE is carrying a suitcase marked with the words "Wash D.C. or Bust". The survivors line up facing the audience, each holding a tiki torch. PAT MCGROIN then enters and stands in front of the survivors.)

PAT MCGROIN (addressing the audience):
Good evening, and welcome to the final installment of 2001: A Survivor Anomaly. I’m Pat McGroin, your host. Over these past few days, our survivors have gone through immense challenges and have endured unbearable ordeals. But tonight, the Tribal Council will decide the fate of the five people behind me. Who will survive ... and who gets voted off JSC Island?!?
After each of our challenges, the Tribal Council votes on who is cast off the island, based on how well each of them faced that challenge. Their first challenge was this ...
(PAT MCGROIN holds up a globe. "2001" theme music is heard in the background.)

PAT MCGROIN:
Each survivor was tasked to launch "Triana", a geosynchronous satellite that could take pictures of the Earth. People could then display those pictures on their computer desktops. In an unprecedented turn of events, the Tribal Council’s vote came out with a tie between Al and Mir ...

AL GORE (interrupts, addressing the audience more than PAT MCGROIN ):
Now, Pat ... I’ve argued, and I will continue to argue, for a fair and accurate and complete count before any decision is made. Let me stress the need to protect the integrity of the process … a process which I invented, by the way, just like I invented the Space Program! What is at issue here is nothing less than every American's simple, sacred right to vote ...

PAT MCGROIN (picks up where he was interrupted):
... the vote was a tie, that is, until we realized that we had undercounted Chad’s vote.

(to CHAD) Chad, what say you?
(CHAD produces his ballot and unfolds it. It reads "AL". AL GORE is shocked. PAT MCGROIN steps up to AL GORE and snuffs out his torch.)

PAT MCGROIN (to AL GORE):
Al ... the tribe has spoken.

(AL GORE, still in shock, walks off stage. He leaves behind his suitcase.)

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience):
The second challenge the survivors faced was to build an international space station, on time and under budget ... truly a daunting task, which none of them successfully completed. But the alliances that were made among the survivors took their toll here.
(PAT MCGROIN steps up to GEORGE ABBEY and snuffs out his torch.)

PAT MCGROIN (to GEORGE ABBEY):
George ... the tribe has spoken.

(PAT MCGROIN hands GEORGE ABBEY two items: a book and AL GORE’s suitcase.)

PAT MCGROIN (to GEORGE ABBEY):
Here, George ... you’ll need these.

(GEORGE ABBEY looks confused as he takes the items. He blankly looks at the book as he slowly walks off the stage.)

GEORGE ABBEY (reading the book’s cover):
"Facilitating Cooperation Between International Partners ... For Dummies"

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience):
Next, the survivors were to fall out of the sky and hit this ...
(PAT MCGROIN holds up the Taco Bell target. Again, "2001" theme music plays in the background. MCGROIN steps up to MIR.)

PAT MCGROIN (to MIR, disgusted):
Mir, you didn’t even come close. AND, when it looked like you were going to instead hit Hainan Island in China, you didn't even demolish the US spy plane like we asked!
(He snuffs out MIR’s torch.)
Needless to say, Mir ... the tribe has spoken!

(MIR hangs his head low and walks off stage. Suddenly DENNIS TITO barges onto the stage, totally interrupting the skit.)

DENNIS TITO (to the entire Surfin’ Chili Team):
Hi! I’m Dennis Tito, and I’ve made a fortune selling foot-and-mouth vaccines to European farmers. Now, I want the experience of being in a chili cookoff skit. I first approached Wrong Stuff Chili about being in theirs, but that crashed and burned, just like Mir! So, I now want to be in yours ... and I’m willing to pay you $20 million to let me!

(DENNIS TITO holds up a check for $20 million. The entire Surfin’ Chili Team is all abuzz. The team huddles up and, after a heated discussion, PAT MCGROIN steps up to TITO and takes the check. MCGROIN then positions TITO beside ISS.)

PAT MCGROIN:
Okay, Dennis ... you can be in our skit. But you’re just going to stand right here and not touch anything! Understood?

DENNIS TITO:
Oui! Oui! I am not afraid!!

(Sight Gag: As the skit continues, DENNIS TITO is seen in the background fiddling around with ISS C&C COMPUTER, which has three buttons on it: CNTL, ALT, and DELETE. Suddenly, ISS goes careening out of control across the stage. TITO, realizing what he has done, quietly inches his way off stage.)

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience):
And so … only two survivors remain: Chad and CAU. The final challenge they faced was to revitalize the Space Shuttle’s aging avionics.
(PAT MCGROIN steps up to CAU and snuffs out his torch.)

PAT MCGROIN (to CAU):
CAU ... the tribe has spoken.

CAU (vehemently):
WHAT!?!? Wait a minute! I won that challenge! How can you vote me off??? The work I’ve done on the cockpit avionics upgrade will bridge the technical gap that will bring the Space Shuttle out of the 70’s and into the 21st century! Besides, the crews think I’m really cool!! You can’t vote me off!!

PAT MCGROIN:
That hasn’t stopped Congress before!

(CAU storms off the stage, loudly protesting.)

PAT MCGROIN:
Hey, now … don’t be a mad cow!

(to CHAD) Well, Chad ... you’ve outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted them all! Congratulations!! And now, it’s with great pride that I bestow upon you the most coveted and prestigious prize ... !

CHAD (with great anticipation):
A Pontiac Aztec ... ?? A million dollars ... ??

PAT MCGROIN:
No, it's OSHA’s VPP Star Rating!!

(PAT MCGROIN hands CHAD the VPP Star certificate. "2001" theme music is once more heard in the background. CHAD looks at the certificate with utter disappointment.)

PAT MCGROIN:
Yes, Chad, you now embody OSHA’s high standards for a safe and healthy work environment. You are truly a model for the rest of us! Again, congratulations!!

(to the audience) And so friends, we’ve come to the end of 2001: A Survivor Anomaly! But let’s remember this: Survivor may make a great TV show, but it makes an awful chili! Let’s all go surfing instead!! Good night, folks!


(The entire Surfin’ Chili Team leads the crowd in a S-U-R-F-I-N rally chant.}

2000 skit: Who Wants to Marry an Astronaut?

© 2000 Surfin' Chili

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CAST:

ANNOUNCER (Rob) -- The voice from offstage.
PAT MCGROIN (Gabe) -- The host.
BUD LIGHTBEER (Tim) -- The groom. Bud is an ASCAN who just reported to JSC last summer.
ANITA MARGARITA (Sally) -- The first finalist. ANITA and her mother had defected to the U.S. from Cuba when she was a child. Sadly, her mother had drowned along the way, leaving ANITA to be raised by relatives in Miami.
POLLY NOMIAL (Steph) -- The second finalist. Polly is a mathematician who was recently commissioned by NASA to investigate the feasibility of converting English units into metric units.
THREE COMMANDOS (Chip, Jeff, Preston) -- They raid the show, seize ANITA MARGARITA, and take her away to be reunited with her father.
MISS CONCEPTION (Robin) -- The write-in contestant who actually wins the contest. She’s a pregnant, barefoot hag.
STAGE HANDS (Amy, Roje) -- People in the background who hold up the various sign.

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ANNOUNCER (from offstage): The SURFIN’ CHILI NETWORK -- celebrating 10 years of sun, surf, and sensational chili -- proudly presents America’s hottest new game show -- Who Wants To Marry An Astronaut? -- where beautiful women from around the globe are given the chance to become the blushing bride of one of America’s astronauts!!

An APPLAUSE sign is held up.
And now ... here is your host ... PAT MCGROIN!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up. Enter PAT MCGROIN, who takes center stage.
PAT MCGROIN: Thank you! Thank you all! And welcome to Who Wants to Marry An Astronaut? After a week of intense competition, our distinguished panel of judges is ready to announce the two finalists! But before we name the two lucky ladies, let’s take a moment to meet the star of our show .... the handsome groom himself!! Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for Astronaut BUD LIGHTBEER!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up. Enter BUD LIGHTBEER, wearing his blue jump suit. He waves and smiles to the crowd as he steps up to PAT MCGROIN. The two shake hands.
PAT MCGROIN: You know, Bud ... if I were in your shoes, about to meet the woman I’m going to marry for the first time in front of a nationwide TV audience, I’d be a nervous wreck!! But you seem to be taking all of this in stride.

BUD LIGHTBEER: Oui, oui! I am not afraid! But let me say, Pat, that I’m very excited to be here. It’s not everyday that you meet a woman and then marry her the same day ... and, as you said, all on national TV!

PAT MCGROIN: Indeed! Now, Bud ... why don’t you tell us a little about yourself? I sure there are many people out there (not to mention our contestants backstage) who are dying to know something about you!

BUD LIGHTBEER: (As BUD LIGHTBEER speaks, thought balloons are held up over his head, revealing what he is really thinking.)

Well, Pat ... I started here at JSC last year. Needless to say, I’m really looking forward to the day when I get a chance to fly in outer space. [BALLOON: "Do I look hot, or what?"]

In the meantime, I’m learning everything there is to know about the International Space Station. [BALLOON: "Ha! Like it’ll ever be built!"]

But let me say above all ... I’m excited to be here, and I’m proud to be part of the program! [BALLOON: "Think they’re buying this stuff!?!"]

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience): Well, that’s pretty amazing, isn’t it folks? Let’s give Bud a hand!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up.
PAT MCGROIN (to BUD LIGHTBEER)): So, Bud ... what do you say we find you a wife?

BUD LIGHTBEER: Sounds great, Pat!

PAT MCGROIN: Okay then! Why don’t you head on backstage ....

PAT MCGROIN motions to BUD LIGHTBEER, who walks offstage. A stage hand gives PAT an envelope.
PAT MCGROIN (to audience, holding up the envelope): Now, ladies and gentlemen, inside this envelope are the names of our two finalists.

(opens envelope and reads card inside)
Our first finalist .... Miss ANITA MARGARITA!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up. Enter ANITA MARGARITA, carrying a bouquet of flowers. She smiles and waves to the audience as she takes her place next to PAT MCGROIN.
PAT MCGROIN (again reading from card): And our second finalist ... Miss POLLY NOMIAL!!

Again the APPLAUSE sign is held up. Enter POLLY NOMIAL, also carrying a bouquet of flowers. She also smiles and waves at the audience as she takes her place next to ANITA MARGARITA.
PAT MCGROIN (to the finalists): Congratulations, ladies! Now let’s give our audience a chance to get to know you two better ... starting with you, Miss Anita Margarita. Anita, I understand you had quite the experience when you were a little girl. Why don’t you tell us about it?

ANITA MARGARITA: I’d be happy to, Pat! When I was 10 years old, my mother and I escaped from Cuba to seek a better life here in the United States. Sadly, our boat sank and my mother drowned. I was rescued by a group of fishermen and then raised by my relatives who were already living in Miami at the time ...

Suddenly, the THREE COMMANDOS storm the stage.
COMMANDO #1 (barking to the other two COMMANDOS): Move! Move! Move!! Secure the perimeter!!

The other two commandos take position at either end of the stage, weapons at the ready.
COMMANDO #2: I’m clear!!

COMMANDO #3: Clear here!!

COMMANDO #1: (to ANITA MARGARITA, grabbing hold of her arm) Don’t be afraid, ma’am! We’re with the INS! We’re going to reunite you with your father now!
(to the other two commandos) Okay, I’ve got the kid! Let’s go!! Let’s go!!

ANITA MARGARITA is in total shock, and protests as she is hurried off-stage by COMMANDO #1. The other two commandos follow closely behind them.

Both PAT MCGROIN and POLLY NOMIAL are stunned. They look around, as though unsure what to do next. After a few tense moments ...
PAT MCGROIN (to the audience): Miss Anita Margarita, folks! Give her a big hand!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up.
PAT MCGROIN (to POLLY NOMIAL): Now let’s meet our second finalist, famed mathematician ... Miss Polly Nomial! Polly, I understand that NASA just recently placed you in charge of a very important project.

POLLY NOMIAL: That’s right, Pat! After that most unfortunate incident with the Mars Global Surveyor, NASA has commissioned my team to investigate the feasibility of converting English units into metric units!

PAT MCGROIN: Wow!! That sounds exciting!!

POLLY NOMIAL: Oh, it is truly a thrill! We’ve put in hundreds of hours into this already, and I’m pleased to say that we’re THIS close to proving that one mile is equivalent to about 1.62 kilometers!!

PAT MCGROIN: Well, I’m sure NASA will find that information very useful! The best of luck to you and your team! Ladies and gentlemen ... Miss Polly Nomial!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up. A stage hand gives PAT MCGROIN an envelope.
PAT MCGROIN: And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for! Who will MARRY AN ASTRONAUT and become Mrs. BUD LIGHTBEER?!? Before I announce the winner, let’s bring our groom back onstage. Bud, come on out here!

Enter BUD LIGHTBEER, who stands off to one side. He and POLLY NOMIAL exchange playful glances. Stage hands "drum-roll" the tables as PAT opens the envelope. Suddenly, a PLEASE STAND BY sign is held up and all action on stage comes to a halt.
ANNOUNCER (from offstage): Ladies and gentlemen, due to on-going negotiations between this station and the Time-Warner Cable Company, this program can no longer be seen over your cable lines ....

PAT MCGROIN (to the ANNOUNCER): What?!? But I was just about to announce the name of our winner!! How will the audience find out who will MARRY AN ASTRONAUT???

ANNOUNCER (from offstage): Fortunately for our viewing audience, this program can still be seen over the regular airwaves, using conventional aerial antennas ...

PAT MCGROIN (to the people offstage): QUICK!! Someone install some rabbit ears before the audience misses the big announcement!!

Stage hands quickly run up to the Skit Judges and place on their heads a set of rabbit ear antennas. The PLEASE STAND BY sign is removed.
PAT MCGROIN (to the audience): Welcome back, folks! As I was saying, the moment we’ve all been waiting for!

Stage hands resume the "drum-roll" as PAT MCGROIN quickly reads the card to himself.
PAT MCGROIN (shocked and amazed): Ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing!! The judges have unanimously chosen a write-in contestant! The new Mrs. Bud Lightbeer is ... MISS CONCEPTION!!

Enter MISS CONCEPTION, smiling and giggling. BUD LIGHTBEER is totally in shock and horror and tries to make a run for it. However, MISS CONCEPTION is on top of him before he can get away. MISS CONCEPTION smothers BUD with hugs and kisses. POLLY NOMIAL watches in disbelief and disgust.
PAT MCGROIN takes center stage, while CONCEPTION and BUD continue to struggle in the background.
PAT MCGROIN (to the audience): Well folks, that’s the end of our program. Just goes to show you that a girl’s dream of becoming an astronaut’s wife can still come true. From all of us hear at the Surfin’ Chili Network, thank you for watching! Good night!!

PAT waves. BUD and CONCEPTION continue to struggle. BUD vainly implores help from the audience.
ANNOUNCER (from offstage): Tonight’s presentation was proudly brought to you by ...

END with a S-U-R-F-I-N rally chant.

1999 skit: Surfin' Chili - The Phantom Menace

© 1999 Surfin' Chili

---

(Star Wars music playing in background)

Narrator: The following preview has been rated G for goofy.

Every generation has a legend. Every journey has a first step. Every saga has a beginning. Coming soon to a chili cookoff near you, "Phantom Dragonfly: Star Wars Episode 2A.4".

In a galaxy-sized budget far, far away...

Narrator: A strong uprising had occurred, which was very evil. After seeing the power of the dark blue dress (well, except for a few spots...), Emperor Clinton has turned away from the peaceful, cooperative international space program. Instead, he has thrown in his lot with the forces attempting to build the even more powerful space station -- the Death Mir. Successful launch of the Death Mir will drain the monetary life force from ISS, and cripple the hopes of thousands of US aerospace contractors, everywhere.

---

Scene 1

Emperor Clinton: Soon all the monetary funds will be ours. Darth Gore... how close are we to getting Senator Bunsenburner, Chairman of the Committee on Science, to the dark blue side?

Darth Gore: Emperor, with your threat of cancelling the Wisconsin subsidized cheese distribution program, he has fallen into our laps. [Both make evil laugh]. Even as we speak, Bunsenburner is trying to convince Princess Monica Layme to sign a treaty giving us all that we want. And, as of now, the new internet satellite "Triana", which allows users to see the earth at any given moment, is already draining the ISS funds at a tremendous rate.

---

Scene 2

Narrator: Movie critic, Pat McGroin, has given this movie three thumbs up. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss eight bucks goodbye. Watch as the evil Senator tries to get his clutches on the woman with the stained dress...

Sen. Bunsenburner: Sign the treaty Princess Monica Layme...

Princess Layme: Senator, I will sign no treaty until it's time.

Sen Bunsenburner. Do it, Princess Layme, Do me!

Princess Layme: I'm sorry, but that's not one of my contract deliverables.

---

Scene 3

Narrator: Shep Spacewalker, a young Jedi of the ISS, follows the aged hero John Glenn Solo and his ship the Freedom 7 Falcon, where they seek the advice of Jedi master Yo-Gene Da-Kranz.

Shep: Yo-Gene Da-Kranz, we need to get Princess Monica Layme away from the Senator before he forces her to treat him...I mean...forces her to sign the treaty. If we fail, the budget will be diverted to build the Death Mir, the Congress will attempt to do the redesign themselves, and the engineers who labor on the slave moon of "End-our lives-please" will give up all hope. The horrible slavemaster VPP has already driven them unto the brink of despair. What must we do?

Yo-Gene: OooOhh An option, failure is not...!

Solo: Come on you old muppet, give us some real advice.

Yo-Gene: Oooh you must read my book that's coming out this year. It's not easy being green...

Shep: (Kicks Yoda into orbit). Let's go, Glenn-Solo, and get Princess Layme.

Solo: OK, but I need to make a stop on the world of Viagra, first.

---

Scene 4

Narrator: See the ragtag Freedom 7 Falcon race back D.C. to save Princess Layme. (cast member races around with shuttle model) Meanwhile, you'll discover there is a force greater than life itself. A force far greater than Dan Goldin or Hillary Clinton.

Princess: You're the last line of defense between good and evil in the galaxy, the last best hope for humanity. Help me Obi-Wan Georgeabbey, you're my only hope.

Senator: "Oui, Oui I'm not afraid"

---

Scene 5

Narrator: And the finale you've all heard about... the culmination of years of work, the incredible, explosive climax between Emperor Clinton and Princess Monica Layme...

Censor: No, wait, this is a family cookoff, you can't have people climaxing in public.

Narrator: See the Phantom Dragonfly, Star Wars Episode whatever is the number- you'll still pay the big bucks for a George Lucas sequel even if it means camping out in a ticket line for several months. This low budget but highly tasteful Surfin Chili is sure to please. Phantom Dragonfly, Star Wars Episode 2A.4 is not yet rated or you won't want to see it.

What we can show of the grand finale is this:
[insert Surfin Cheer]

---

cast (in order of appearance):

Narrator: Robin Bass

Emperor Clinton:

Darth Gore:

Senator Bunsenburner: Lee Coggins

Princess Monica Layme: Sally Jurgens

Shep Spacewalker:

John Glenn Solo: John McKenna

Yo-Gene Da-Kranz: Michael Grabois

Censor: Michael Grabois

1997 skit: Jerry Linenger: Letters to My Son

Welcome to another presentation by the Surfin’ Chili Players. Jerry Linenger has been writing a series of public letters to his son about what life is like on Mir. Today we present a behind-the-scenes look at what’s really going on aboard Mir.

---

Letter #1

Narrator: Dear John,

What a thrill it is to be orbiting the earth aboard the space station Mir! This is mankind’s pioneer spirit at work... living aboard a pioneer.... uh, chuckwagon.

Sitting on the launch pad four days ago, with all my hopes and expectations, I thought I was prepared for my upcoming adventure... but oh, was I mistaken! Sure, John Blaha spent hours this past week familiarizing me with the facility...

Blaha: There are 4 emergency exits aboard the Kvant module, and another 3 in Spekter. In case of a water landing your seat cushions may be used as a flotation device. In the event of a fire, your oxygen mask will drop from the ceiling. Just pull on the rubber hose and oxygen will flow. Place the mask over your head and breathe normally.

Narrator: ...and statusing me on the experiments. We exchanged gifts, took some pictures, and transferred loads of equipment to my new home. Yes, son, I was prepared for all of that.

But when the 81 crew sealed the hatches and Atlantis was on its way, it wasn’t very long before my new companions changed the Flight Plan. Who was it that said ‘In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream’....

Russian #1: [holding a lacy teddy] Blaha always have wear size 12!

Russian #2: [winking] Coochie, coochie, Jerry!

Jerry: [runs away from Russians]

---

Letter #2

Narrator: Dear John,

After just a couple of weeks up here, you begin to miss the many conveniences of home... fresh food, running water, clean-smelling clothes. As you might imagine, the arrival of new supplies makes for a pretty exciting day aboard Mir. I can hardly describe the wonderful sight as we spotted Progress, at first a bright and distant star....

[All three cosmonauts watching the approach, getting gradually more and more excited...]

...growing... closing in on our outpost in space. The... anticipation... [panting] building.... [panting] BUILDING... Moving so fast... no, no... slow down... OK...OH,YES! Coming closer....cooomminnngg cllloooossserrr.....CLOSER!

Russian #1: [trying to steer with joystick]

Russian #2: Leftsky! Rightsky! More rightsky! Straightsky!

Jerry: [screaming, sitting in chair trying to "swim" through air away from hatch]

Heckler in audience: Isn't it inappropriate having a member of management represent Progress?

[SILENCE -- Progress suddenly stops]

Narrator: Windows has detected an illegal operation. This application will be terminated.

[Progress gyrates wildly]

All: [GROAN!]

[sheer chaos breaks out]

Sound effect:[CRASH!!]

[Progress collides and knocks everyone to the floor]

---

Letter #3

[Cosmonauts with backs to audience -- sunglasses on, preparing plants, etc.]

Narrator: Dear John,

The life of a researcher is seldom exciting... hours of boredom separated by a few thrilling moments. The days are dragging on, my son. Move one sample here, another there. Draw blood... Recover attitude control... The same routine over and over again. But yesterday we made an unexpected discovery in our microgravity garden. You may have heard how well our wheat crop has been growing in the last month. But- heh, heh!- Shannon and John were growing more than just wheat up here! And it IS the SEASON OF HARVEST!!

Sound Effects: [Low Rider music]

[Cosmonauts turn around]

All: [rolling joints and partying!]

---

Letter #4

[Jerry searching the horizon with binoculars]

[Russians are off to the side checking navigation instruments and attitude control system, discussing in a low voice]

Narrator: Dear John,

It is with you and you alone that I am able to confide. Throughout my stay, I have reserved 15 minutes every day for plain, simple stargazing. I never grow tired of observing the universe from this unique vantage point -- the bright blue earth below, cutting into the deep, dark heavens above. The stars seem closer from here, like you could almost touch them. Something new to see in all directions.

But yesterday, John, I... I just don’t know what it was. I’ve been here so long son! Your mind wanders. It becomes difficult to judge the unexpected from the impossible.

You see, I was observing that spectacular comet when, all of a sudden....

[styrofoam comet with streamers and a sparkler whizzes by, followed by fanatics]

Heaven’s Gate Fanatics: [normal voices] "The Mothership!" "Our time has come!" "We want to transcend!" "Onward to the next reality!"

[Then, with high voices]: All: "Wait for us! Here we come! Wait for us!" "Where is my pudding and applesauce?"

---

Letter #5

Narrator: Dear John,

As a famous poet once said, "When the going gets tough, it all hits the fan"?

[O2 generator is set off: a smoke bomb in a can, labeled "Valu-Jet"]

All: Run around holding throat like choking and fight over available O2 mask

---

Letter #6

Narrator: Star Date 20222*5*10

Dear John [smirk], Johnny-boy! Oh, boy! Oh, ho, ho! I don’t think we’re in Kansas any more! Oh no, uh-uh.

[John Belushi style -- shift eyes, left and right]

One smart man, he felt smart; Two smart men, they felt smart; Three smart men, they smelled fart! Ha, ha, ha! [Cough, cough, cough] That’s not all they smelled -- soot! Ethelyne glycol! Yeeaaah!

This is Captn Jerry to ground control... and I'm feeling very scared... I'm floating in a most peculiar way...

[Russians discussing and pointing at Jerry]

Mr. Sulu, evasive action - hard to port, hard to starboard! Scottie, more power to the shields... where is my warp drive? Mr. Spock, damage report! Chekov, fire photon torpedoes! Where is Yeoman Rand? Scotty, GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!

---

Letter #7

Narrator: Dear John,

Today I received word that Jim Halsell and the 83 crew had to abort their mission after only 4 days...

Jerry: Those LUCKY BASTARDS!!!!

[Crushes letter and throws it to the ground]

---

Letter #8

[Russians putting Jerry in straight jacket]

Narrator: Dear John,

(in British accent) This is your Uncle Mike writing, Mike Foale. We docked Atlantis to the Mir today and picked up your dad. He seems real happy after his four-month visit... and he can’t wait to sing you songs when he gets home!

Sound Effects: [Blue Danube music]

Jerry: "Daisy, daisy, give me your answer do... I’m half crazy all for the love of you..."

Russian #1: [holding teddy] Jerry always have wear size 12!

Russian #2: [winking] Coochie, coochie, Mike!

Mike Foale: [look toward audience]

---

Once again, folks -- we are Surfin' Chili, the first chili team with its own official web site! Before we leave, we have an extra treat for you. The Surfin' von Trapp Family Singers would like to convey a special message to you on behalf of all those who have recently left the Training Division. Ladies and Gentlemen: The Surfin' von Trapp Family Singers .....!

  The Surfin' von Trapp Family Singers

        performing

       SO LONG, FAREWELL, DT!
       (sung to the tune from "The Sound of Music")

It's FOUR in the morning, and we must still be on console,
        Even though the crew went home at TWO!
Reinvent DT cases; everywhere, empty places!
        It's plenty enough to drive you cuckoo!

(From the background)   Cuckoo!  Cuckoo!   

"We're fixing it," they tell us,
        But this only compels us
To say good bye to you!

So long!  Farewell!  Aufwiedersehn!  Good night!
        I hate to go and not complete my flight!

So long!  Farewell!  Aufwiedersehn!  Good bye!
        My briefing this week we'll give to the new guy!

So long!  Farewell!  Au'voire!  Aufwiedersehn!   
 I'd like to stay but not for what they're paying!

So long!  Farewell!  Aufwiedersehn!  Adeiu!
 No raise.  No praise.  You'd think they'd get a clue!

Before I go, I heave a heavy sigh.
 Will the last to go please turn out the light?

(slower) 
To Lockheed-Martin we go off to apply!
 So long!  Farewell!  Aufwiedersehn!  Good bye!

Good bye!  Good bye!  Good bye!

---

CAST:
Narrator: Michael Grabois
Jerry: Ed Schoenstein
Russian #1: Ed
Russian #2: Julia Dobrinskaya
Blaha: Aaron Frith
Progress: David Rose
Heckler: Jeff Schickner
Heaven's Gaters: Brad Sharp, Mark Fleming
Hale-Bopp: ?
Mike Foale: Michael Grabois
song narrator: Roje Yap

1996 skit: X-File 51.6--The Chili Incident

© 1996 Surfin' Chili

---

[X-Files theme Music]

Narrator: The truth is stranger than fiction, but the truth IS out there. What follows is a story of the strangeness that surrounds us every day.

Mulder: Scully, I'd like you to take a look at something really strange that I came across while surfing the internet the other day.

Scully: Oh come on, Mulder, did you discover the adult section of the web? You can be fired for that.

Mulder: No, nothing like that. See this?

Scully: So? It looks like a chili pepper on a surfboard.

Mulder: Maybe to you, but I recognized it from this: a crop circle formation from Sally Sandwich -- I mean Middlesex, England last year. I found this on a web page for something called "Surfin' Chili", which claims to be a Johnson Space Center chili cookoff team.

Scully: You're not serious, are you?

Mulder: I did a little digging around, and I discovered that all sorts of strange things have been happening at JSC at intervals coinciding with some weird pagan rituals called chili cookoffs.

Scully: What?

Mulder: There are legends of strange visitors from the skies who used to surf the gravitational waves of space who looked like chili peppers.

Scully: Alien chili peppers?

Mulder: Yes. The idea of a chili cookoff is derived from the ancients' worshipping the aliens by eating them to absorb their powers.

Scully: What proof do you have that something strange is going on?

Mulder: Well I've made several calls to JSC, and I've gotten some interesting responses. For instance . . .

[[Phone Rings]]

Mulder: (punches speakerphone) FBI, Mulder

Deep Chili: So, Agent Mulder, I hear you're interested in Surfin' Chili. Well, that's a good start, but you need to dig deeper, if you want to find out the truth.

Mulder: Who is this?

Deep Chili: You can call me . . . . Deep Chili.

Mulder: What's your connection to all of this?

Deep Chili: Never mind, Agent Mulder. Just remember one of the prime rules of investigation. When in doubt, follow the chili, follow the chili . . . .

[[click]]

Mulder: (to Scully) We're going to JSC. To the X-mobile!!!

Chorus: Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-X-files!

Narrator: The dynamic duo of FBI agents travel to Houston, home of JSC, and other various strange events.

McGroin: Good afternoon, Pat McGroin.

Scully: Excuse me?

McGroin: Pat McGroin, Special Agent Pat McGroin, attached to JSC. I'll take you over to the chili cookoff.

Scully: We're going to go to the cookoff itself?

McGroin: Yes, it seems that the judges' chili samples have mysteriously vanished.

Mulder: I knew it! Alien abduction!

McGroin: We can't say just yet. We suspect that a team known as Surfin' Chili may be responsible. It seems they were accused of stealing beer kegs a few years ago.

Mulder: You see, Scully? Surfin' Chili again. I knew there was a connection. First crop circles, then disappearing beer kegs, now the chili samples We HAVE to find the link. I KNOW it's here!

Scully: You mentioned other strange happenings. What else can you tell us about the cookoff?

McGroin: Well, you see those guys over there? They're called "The Wrong Stuff". I've always had suspicions about them, and now that the Unabomber is on their team....[make sucking breathing sound]. And their chili is just BAD.

Scully: And what about these guys over here?

McGroin: That team was put into power by the most heinous force of the 20th century: Barney the dinosaur.

Mulder: Who's that?

McGroin: That drag queen over there? He's from Acme Chili. They dressed in drag last year to win the skit and decided they liked it. I hear that one's pregnant with Barney's love child.

[man in drag walks by and poses]

Scully: That's a serious innuendo. Any more weird occurrences?

McGroin: Well, the JSC security guards have started giving out tickets for jaywalking.

Scully: Writing tickets? That's hard to believe. Wait, Mulder, look! It's the Surfin' Chili booth!

Mulder: My God, Scully, you're right! It's an exact duplicate of those crop circles I told you about!

Surfin Chili: Would you like to try some of our world-famous chili and cherry bombs? We're the most popular chili team on the internet. People all over cyberspace have flocked to our home page. JSC -- that stands for Just Surfin' Chili, you know.

McGroin: What do you know of the incident of May 1992, when beer kegs mysteriously vanished and then appeared in buildings 1 and 4? Do you know you are the prime suspects in the recent disappearance of the judges' chili samples?

Surfin' Chili: They're blaming us again! But we told them all about the bright lights and the aliens moving the kegs the first time. [offstage]: Oui oui, I'm not afraid!] Oh God! it's happening again, it's happening again! (collapses into fetal position)

Mulder: Bright lights? Aliens? Of course! The Zeta Reticulans!

Scully: Zeta Reticulans? What are you talking about?

Mulder: The Zeta Reticulans are aliens who are also responsible for all the cattle mutilations and keg drainings out in the desert. Somehow they've infiltrated JSC!

Deep Chili: (voice from above that only Mulder hears) Follow the chili, Agent Mulder, follow the chili....

Mulder: Wait! Who are you?

McGroin: Who are you talking to?

Mulder: We have to find those missing judges' samples, or the whole cookoff will be in jeopardy. We need to blow the lid off this alien conspiracy!

Scully: McGroin, are there any differences in this cookoff from past cookoffs?

McGroin: Hmmm. This is the first year for USA. Maybe that has something to do with it.

Mulder: "USA"?

McGroin: United Space Alliance.

All: United Space Alliance-- Hail to the Alliance! (all salute)

Mulder: United Alliance... isn't that redundant?

Scully: No, it's just saying the same thing twice.

Mulder: Of course! The Alliance! They're an all-devouring multinational conglomerate bent upon the absorption and control of everyone and everything. First the space program, then the government, then the world! Their motto is "Conquer and control... for a better tomorrow."

Deep Chili: (appears) You've found the real culprit. USA wanted to take over the chili cookoff, then the space program, then the world.

Scully: But how would that affect what's been happening here every year?

Deep Chili: Every year people act irrationally, psychotically, or delusional because the Merging Aerospace and Defense Contractors Out of Work syndrome.

Mulder: That's M-A-D-C-O-W? [hold up prop]

Deep Chili: Yes, that's right, they're all suffering from MAD COW disease.

McGroin: Well, is there any hope for these poor, broken down, delusional aerospace employees?

Deep Chili: Only one thing. Like I said earlier: follow the chili. The only cure is massive infusions of Surfin Chili. (walks away, handing Mulder a piece of paper)

Scully: Mulder, who was that?

Mulder: An old friend of the space program who left a few years ago. His name and reputation are legendary. Deep Chili is none other than... Gene Kranz.

All: We're not worthy, we're not worthy!

McGroin: What does the paper say?

Mulder: It appears to be a cheer of some kind. T-E-A-M teeeeeeaaaam Drink!

(all sing, to the tune of "Surfin' USA" by the Beach Boys)
If everybody had an ocean,
Across the USA
Then everybody'd eat Surfin',
Surfin' Chili I say.
We'll all be gone for the summer
If we're furloughed today,
So don't forget to vote Surfin'....
Surfin' [hold up sign] USA [hold up sign]

---

cast (in order of appearance):

Narrator: Chris Niemann
Mulder: Jeff Schickner
Scully: Sally Jurgens
Deep Chili: Brad Sharp
Pat McGroin: Michael Grabois
Unabomber: Jose Lozano
Man in drag: Mark Fleming
Surfin' Chili: Roje Yap

1995 skit: Life Is Like a Bowl of Chili

© 1995 Surfin' Chili

---

NARRATOR: On the 13th hour of the 13th day, NASA launched Apollo 13. A million things could have gone wrong, one did.

ASTRONAUT 1: Houston, I think we have a problem.

CAPCOM: What is it?

ASTRONAUT 1: It's when something goes bad, but that's not important now. We seem to have had an explosion in the fuel tanks. We are losing pressure in the beer 2 tanks.

ASTRONAUT 2: Yea, Game over, man! Game over!

ASTRONAUT 3: Get a hold of yourself! Anyway, Gene Kranz is down there. He will find a way to get us home.

NARRATOR: Yes, Gene Kranz. The Father of Flight Direction, the Pillar of Patriotism, the Icon of Intelligence.

GENE KRANZ: Get me ECLSS, Get me PROP, Get me a real introduction!

CAPCOM: It looks real bad sir. They have lost almost all their beer. Without it they will not be able to get back home alive.

GENE KRANZ: Look, you figure something out and you do it fast! We have never lost a man in space and we sure as hell won't lose one on my watch!

CAPCOM: But your shift isn't for another three hours?

GENE KRANZ: Oh, really?....Well, screw 'em.

NARRATOR: The flight control team worked feverishly to come up with a solution. If the crew of Apollo 13 could not fix their beer tanks, it was likely they would not survive.

CAPCOM: OK, 13, we've been talking about it and here's what we want you to do. First interconnect the beer-2 tanks to the RCS thrusters. Close the chili pepper iso valves 3-4-5, open the tequila hydraulic units, and since fuel cell 3 shut down, we'll reconfigure the jalapenos. We also want you to reconfigure the sensor array to do a full baryon particle sweep on all decks and search for dilithium crystal signatures.

ASTRONAUT 1: Hey, this isn't Star Trek, but we'll do what we can.

ASTRONAUT 3: Oui, oui, I am not afraid.

NARRATOR: Back in Houston, NASA holds a press conference.

PAO: Good afternoon, I'm Pat McGroin, and I'll take questions from the media.

Rep3: How did this tragedy happen?

PAO: It appears that one of the beer tanks had an explosion, and all of the beer on one side is gone. Miss Sharon Tell will show what it looked like: [shake up beer can and open].

Rep1: Why did you change from the traditional hydrazine and oxidizer mixture for propellant?

PAO: Well, beer and chili are a potent hypergolic mixture. In plain English, that means that beer and chili explode on contact with each other. Plus, it's cheaper.

Rep2: Will the Oilers ever reach the Super Bowl?

PAO: Not without a change in Oilier upper management. With Bud Adams controlling the money, we'll never see the kind of quality players in Oilier uniforms that we need.

Rep3: Now that NASA has sent men to the moon, what is next?

PAO: We will strive to continue to push the boundaries of manned space exploration to the ends of the Solar System. (pause) Or Just screw around in Earth orbit for 20 years with no clear vision until the congress gets totally tired of us, cuts our funding and a third of our workforce gets laid off. We really haven't decided yet.

NARRATOR: The Flight controllers start assessing the situation. Everything goes well.... at first. Slowly, though, the flight controllers realize that something is still pushing the crew of Apollo 13 off course. If left unchecked, it could truly be "game over, man."

CAPCOM: OK, 13, we've discovered that you're still leaking beer foam, and it's pushing you off-course.

ASTRONAUT 2: Game over, man!

GENE KRANZ: Cut that out! That was a previous movie. Now we know it's risky and that you didn't cover it in your training but you'll have to attempt a Final Abort Return Trajectory maneuver.

ASTRONAUT 1: Surely we don't have to perform the F-A-R-T maneuver...

GENE KRANZ: That's right, you'll have to FART. And stop calling me Surely. Since you're low on gas, we need you all to eat some chili and patch yourselves into the RCS jets.

ASTRONAUT 3: Mama always told me life is like a bowl of chili. You never know what you're gonna get.

ASTRONAUT 2: But what kind of chili?

ASTRONAUT 3: (ASTRONAUT 3 puts cotton in lower lip) We've got Surfin Chili, Outhouse chili, Planet Texas chili, BARF chili, Red Baron chili, [fill in more chili team names]...

CAPCOM: We need you to eat some Planet Texas chili. That has the most MTU's.

ASTRONAUT 1: MTU's?

CAPCOM: Yes, Methane Thermal Units.

NARRATOR: So our fearless (gets cut off by ASTRONAUT 2)...

ASTRONAUT 2: Game over man!

NARRATOR: So our,...brave, crew busily works on the makeshift patch that will hopefully save their lives and bring them and their spacecraft back home.

(Astronauts come out with dryer vents duct taped to their butts)
(Whoopee cushions are going off offstage)

ASTRONAUT 1: (holding Chili with dry ice in it) 13 to Houston, 13 to Houston, We have eaten all the Planet Texas chili that we can stand. Has it shown any effect?

CAPCOM: Affirmative 13, FARTing has corrected your trajectory and you are on a return course home. All of us here are real glad to see you through. The whole country has been following and we don't even have CNN yet. Is there anything you would like to say to the children of this nation.

ASTRONAUT 1: Houston, we can't wait to get back home and eat some SURFIN' CHILI!

(skit ends with a T-E-A-M DRINK cheer)

---

cast (in order of appearance):
Narrator: Alan Groskreutz
Capcom: Jose Lozano
Astronaut 1:
Astronaut 2:
Astronaut 3: Lee Coggins
Gene Kranz: Michael Grabois
PAO:
Reporter 1:
Reporter 1:
Reporter 1:

1994 skit: Naked Station 51.6

© 1994 Surfin' Chili

---

[note: all team members join in saying THE LAST, BEST HOPE FOR HUMANITY]

NARRATOR: We begin our story aboard OV-106, the Space Shuttle Boondoggle, on the mission to deploy the fifth Tethered Satellite System experiment, TSS-5, THE LAST, BEST HOPE FOR HUMANITY.

CAPTAIN: Scotty, deploy the TSS-5, THE LAST, BEST HOPE FOR HUMANITY.

SCOTTY: Aye, Cap'n. Deploying the satellite.

[all watch it deploy faster than it should]

CAPTAIN: Scotty, something seems to be wrong! Why is the satellite still deploying?

SCOTTY: I can't hold it Cap'n, I'm reeling it in as fast as I can!

CAPTAIN: Bones, isn't there anything you can do?

BONES: Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a fisherman!

NARRATOR: We now move to the office of the JSC Center Director, Scarlett Huntoon. [music: "Gone with the Wind" theme]

[enter Mission Manager]

MISSION MANAGER: Miss Scarlett, we have a problem with the Shuttle!

SCARLETT: The Shuttle? What is it?

MISSION MANAGER: It's a reusable spacecraft that can achieve a low Earth orbit and upon which all our jobs depend, but that's not important right now. It seems that the TSS-5 satellite, THE LAST, BEST HOPE FOR HUMANITY, has slipped the surly bonds of Earth and touched the face of God.

SCARLETT: Well, my word, hasn't this happened before?

MISSION MANAGER: Yes ma'am. As I'm sure you remember, TSS-1 did not deploy. [effect: stagehand holds helium balloon by neck and string, then lets go of the balloon which stops rising after a foot]

TSS-2 exploded. [effect: stagehand pops balloon]

TSS-3 mysteriously deflated rapidly. [effect: release untied non-helium balloon and let it fly away]

SCARLETT: And TSS-4? [effect: stretch untied non-helium balloon and let the air screech out]

Well, whatever happened to the current mission?

MISSION MANAGER: It seems that payload commander Aldrich Ames bumped the switch that freezes the hand controller of the satellite. We think he is a Russian spy.

SCARLETT: Has President Clinton been debriefed?

MISSION MANAGER: No ma'am, he wears jockey shorts. Anyway, he is in England right now protesting our involvement in Bosnia.

[Errand Boy enters the room]

ERRAND BOY: Miss Scarlett, Miss Scarlett, the Yankee Congress is at the door!

[Congressmen are chanting CUTS! CUTS!]

SCARLETT: The Congress, what is it?

ERRAND BOY: It's a bicameral legislative body, elected by the voters, dedicated to wasting money and writing bad checks, but that's not important right now. It seems that the errant TSS-5, THE LAST, BEST HOPE FOR HUMANITY, has wrapped itself around the Space Station and is threatening to bring the entire structure tumbling into the atmosphere.

SCARLETT: [to Mission Manager] What are you prepared to do?

MISSION MANAGER: Don't look at me, Miss Scarlett, I don't know nothing 'bout berthing no Space Station!

SCARLETT: Well my word, does anybody have any ideas?

ERRAND BOY: Miss Scarlett? There's only one man for this job. Shuttle Commander Pat McGroin!

NARRATOR: [music: "Naked Gun" theme] Yes, Commander Pat McGroin, cousin of that famous police detective Frank Drebbin. The only shuttle pilot capable of pulling off such a suicidal recovery mission. Or the only person dumb enough to get hornswaggled into it.

[Scarlett enters Pat McGroin's office]

SCARLETT: Commander McGroin, we need you for a dangerous mission to rescue the Space Station.

PAT McGROIN: I'm through with doing that any more, Miss Scarlett. I still haven't recovered from that episode with the WCS.

SCARLETT: The WCS? I don't remember any trouble with the Waste Containment System on any of your missions.

PAT McGROIN: No, it was the Whitewater Congressional Subcommittee. [Congressmen chant CUTS! CUTS!]. I never should have said anything about Hillary, pork bellies, and Amway.

SCARLETT: Truly, you must be over that by now.

PAT McGROIN: I'll never be over Hillary, and stop calling me Truly. Anyway, why don't you get Pierre Toilette to do it? He did such a great job with the Intelsat recovery.

SCARLETT: His plane went down over Macho Grande.

PAT McGROIN: Over Macho Grande?

SCARLETT: No, I'll never be over Macho Grande. Pat, only YOU [points] can prevent forest fires. [McGroin looks strangely at Scarlett] ... or save the Space Station.

PAT McGROIN: [stagehands hum "Battle Hymn of the Republic" quietly] OK, OK, I'll do it. But I'm doing it for the children, so that they can look up into the night and realize that we are out there, in space, forging a new and brighter future for them and their families with the hope that one day this stone we call Earth will unite as one in peace and brotherly love. [stagehands finish up with "... his truth is marching on!"]

SCARLETT: That was beautiful. I didn't know you felt that way.

PAT McGROIN: I don't. That was just my Oscar clip.

NARRATOR: Commander Pat McGroin agrees to fly the rescue mission. But the mission is full of hazards and pitfalls.

[Mission Manager and Capcom are trying to reach McGroin from Mission Control]

CAPCOM: This is Capcom Jack Blow, come in Pat McGroin. Blow to McGroin. Do you read me? Over. [turns to Mission Manager] Ma'am, we haven't been able to contact Commander McGroin for the last 3 minutes. What should we do?

MISSION MANAGER: That's OK, we'll be able to pick him up when he passes over the tracking station in Macho Grande.

CAPCOM: Over Macho Grande? You fool, he'll never be over Macho Grande. I'll try him again. Blow to McGroin. Blow to McGroin. Come in McGroin.

PAT McGROIN: [floating in space, wrestling with the TSS-5] McGroin to Blow. Sorry about that. I was incontinent there for a while.

CAPCOM: Don't you mean over the continent?

PAT McGROIN: Call it what you will, but there is a real mess up here. I seem to be having a problem getting the TSS-5 satellite, THE LAST, BEST HOPE FOR HUMANITY, loose from the Space Station.

CAPCOM: You have to do something quick! We estimate that if you don't release the Station in the next few minutes, it will tumble back to Earth! Do whatever it takes, McGroin. Try, McGroin, try!

NARRATOR: In a flash of brilliance, Pat McGroin realizes what he must do to save the Space Program.

[McGroin starts to suck the helium out of the balloon TSS-5]

PAT McGROIN: [in high helium voice] McGroin to Blow, I think I have found it!

CAPCOM: It's working! It's working! Keep sucking, McGroin!

PAT McGROIN: [high helium voice] Oui oui, I am not afraid! How much time do I have left?

CAPCOM: Only seconds! Suck, McGroin, suck! Harder, harder!

PAT McGROIN: [high helium voice] If I suck any harder I'll turn into Tonya Harding.

CAPCOM: That's it! You've done it, McGroin! Miss Scarlett has some words for you.

SCARLETT: You've saved us all, McGroin! Thank you.

PAT McGROIN: Thank you, Miss Scarlett. Now will you realize the futility of these experiments?

SCARLETT: Oh, yes, with God as my witness, I will never fly a tether again. Commander Pat McGroin, you've just unraveled the Space Station and saved the entire Space Program. What will you do now?

PAT McGROIN: I'm going to go eat some SURFIN' CHILI!

[all team members give the T-E-A-M TEEEEEEAAAAM DRINK! cheer]

---

cast (in order of appearance):

Narrator: Andrea Podsiadlo

Captain: Roje Yap

Scotty: Chris Niemann

Bones: Lee Coggins

Mission Manager: Robin Hieber

Scarlett: Alan Groskreutz

Errand Boy: Tim Griffiths

Pat McGroin: Michael Grabois

Capcom: Jose Lozano

1993 skit: The Branch Pythagoreans

© 1993 Surfin' Chili

---

[CNN Music, James Earl Jones saying "This... is CNN.]

ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this chili cookoff for a Chili News Network special report. We take you live to CNN Headquarters in Clear Lake, Texas for the first installment of "Crisis on Orbit: Freedom Held Hostage, Day 1."

PAT: Good afternoon, I'm Pat McGroin. We have a reporter on the scene of a reported takeover of the Space Station Freedom by a cult group. On the scene, orbiting 220 nautical miles above the earth, is our correspondent, Wolf Brand Chili. Wolf Brand? What can you tell us about this group?

WOLF: Pat, the Space Station has been taken over by a group called the Branch Pythagoreans. This group is a mathematical cult that believes that Gene Kranz is the reincarnation of the Greek mathematician Pythagoras. They also worship right angles.

PAT: So they're a bunch of squares?

WOLF: We have unconfirmed reports that is true.

PAT: Wolf Brand, can you tell us how this all happened?

WOLF: Pat, this group of people are followers of a man named John Aaron, who used to be in charge of the Space Station Work Package II project. After his reassignment, he and his fanatical band of Space Station Zealots have commandeered the Space Station Freedom. The first government agency on the scene was the newly reorganized ATF, that's the Bureau of Anarchy, Taxation, and Free-Health-Care. During their attempt to reclaim Freedom, four ATF agents were exposed to potentially lethal doses of Planet Texas chili. Doctors are pessimistic about their chances of survival due to the toxic nature of the Planet Texas sludge.

PAT: Thank you Wolf Brand; we have to take a break now. We'll be back after these messages.

ANNOUNCER: We'll have more in our continuing coverage of "Crisis on Orbit: Freedom Held Hostage, Day 1", sponsored by Surfin' Chili, Producers of such fine films as "Surfin' Chili and the Holy Grail", "Chili Instinct", "A Few Good Chilis", and "A Chili Runs Through It."


COMMERCIAL


BILL & AL: [in unison] It's Bill's World, party on, tax and spend, don't inhale, all right.

BILL: [brushing hair behind ears] OK... In support of our latest bus tour, we now present our list of the top five space babes of all time. OK, our number five Space Babe is Marsha Ivins. Just look at this Glamour Shot pose! Shwing!


AL: She's a babelicious babetician from Babe-alonia!

BILL: Good one, my vice-dude. Space Babe number four is Sally Ride. Not only was she the first American woman in space, but she's the only Space Babe to have a song written about her. [sound clip of "Ride Sally Ride" song]


AL: [in serious tone] Next on our list of Space Babes is rookie astronaut Eileen Collins, the first woman pilot astronaut. We've included her here as a tribute and a symbol of the post-modern feminism that has triumphed over the prevailing good-old boy mentality that has so pervaded our society.


BILL: Ooooo-kay. Let's move on. Space Babe number two is the first woman in space, Valentina Tereshkova. The woman cosmonaut with the hairy armpits that looks like an East German swimmer.


AL: We've included her here as a sorbet, if you will, to cleanse the palate.

BILL: And now, the number one Space Babe of all time, past, present and future, is... that curvaceous animated vixen, Judy Jetson! [catcalls from audience]


ANNOUNCER: Look for Bill and Al taking money out of a wallet near you. Now back to our continuing coverage of "Crisis on Orbit: Freedom Held Hostage, Day 1."

PAT: Welcome back to Chili News Network. We switch you now to the home of former President George Bush for his reaction to the takeover. With the President is Anita Martini-Margarita.

ANITA: Thanks, Pat. Mr. President, what are your thoughts on this grave matter?

BUSH: [ad libs] ...thousand points of light... [ad lib] ...not gonna do it... [ad lib] ...wouldn't be prudent... [ad lib] ...not at this juncture... [ad lib] (etc.)

[ANITA tries to interrupt with "Yes, but..." but keeps getting cut off. She eventually drags BUSH away.]

PAT: We have just recieved a pre-recorded message from the Branch Pythagoreans. We are to play it as a condition for ending the siege. Due to the necessarily technical content of this message, we would like to caution our less intelligent viewers and any members of management. [plays message]

TAPE: [pre-taped, spoken over "Star Trek" sound effects] It's so clear and simple... the solution is the fact that the square of the hypotenuse of a right triangle is equal to the sum of the squares of the other two sides! I mean... how long will it be until the people realize that the square root of -1 just isn't real... it's not real, man!... it's imaginary! Now, now, we have come here to integrate, not differentiate. I don't want to go off on a tangent, but consider the transcendentalism of pi. [background chanting of "pi" like a mantra]. In summation, we are prepared to take this to the limit as time goes to infinity! T-E-A-M teeeeeeeam Drink! (Tim's the Devil) [in small voice] Oui, oui, I am not afraid!

PAT: [stunned tone] Uhhh, yeah... Now we have an interview with the Acting President of the United States, Hillary Ride-em Clinton.

HILLARY: Why can't we all just get along?

PAT: I'm sorry, Madame President, but we have to interrupt, there's late breaking action.

HILLARY: But what about my healt care reforms?

PAT: I'm sorry, we have to go. Wolf Brand, what do you have?

HILLARY: Just like a man to pull out before the job's done.

WOLF: We've just leaned that the combined forces of HUD, White House lobbyists, and various special interest groups have invaded the Space Station in an attempt to convert it to low income housing.

PAT: What happened to the Pythagoreans?

WOLF: The combined forces blanketed the Space Station with leaflets describing the Clinton budget plan. The Branch Pythagoreans were so confused by the mathematics involved that they were all driven insane, fell into a catatonic state, and led away bound in straitjackets.

PAT: Thank you, Wolf Brand. Well, the Space Station Freedom has been returned to safety. This has been a special report from the Chili News Network. "Crisis on Orbit: Freedom Held Hostage, Day 1". We now return you to your regularly scheduled chili cookoff.

---

cast (in order of appearance):

Announcer: Andrea Podsiadlo

Pat McGroin: Michael Grabois

Wolf Brand Chili: Roje Yap

Bill Clinton: Alan Groskreutz?

Al Gore: Tim Griffiths

George Bush: Jeff Schikner

Anita Martini-Margarita: Misty Schikner

Tape: Alan Groskreutz and Surfin' Chili

Small voice on tape: Lee Coggins

Hillary Ride-em Clinton: Sally Jurgens


not appearing but helping anyway:

Robin Hieber

Kevin Shireman

1992 skit: Surfin' Python and the Holy Space Station

© 1992 Michael Grabois, David Rose, and Surfin' Chili

---

NARRATOR: It is the last decade of the 20th century. In the wake of the firing of the NASA Administrator, Admiral Richard Truly, the nation, Houston, and the Johnson Space Center are living a national nightmare:

BARROW: Bring out your dead programs! Bring out your dead programs!

[People are tossing various NASA programs into the wheelbarrow. Among them are CRAF, AFE, Shuttle-C, and ACRV]

PERSON1: 'Ere you go, mate. I'm gonna miss the ol' crumb.

ASRM: I'm not dead yet!

PERSON1: Yes you are.

BARROW: He says he's not dead!

PERSON1: Well, he will be very soon.

ASRM: I'm expecting funding any day now!

PERSON1: No you're not--you'll be stone dead in a moment.

BARROW: I can't take him like that; it's against regulations!

ASRM: I don't want to go!

PERSON1: Oh, don't be such a baby. Look, can you hang around for a couple of minutes? This program will be dead by then.

BARROW: No, I've got to get over to the Pentagon. They've already lost 9 programs today.

PERSON1: Look, isn't there something we can do?

ASRM: I'm under budget! I'm under budget!

BARROW: [looks around, knocks ASRM on the head and dumps him into the pile]

[At this point, the three travelers walk in. They mumble quietly to each other, comparing notes, etc. QUAYLE looks kind of clueless.]

PERSON1: Hey, who's that?

BARROW: It's the Vice President of the United States of America.

PERSON1: How can you tell?

BARROW: He doesn't have shit all over him.

[BARROW and PERSON1 walk off.]

NARRATOR: During the madness of the nineties, the Chairman of the National Space Council set out to give the space program new meaning and direction. He brought with him two of the most important men in NASA: Admiral Richard Truly and Mission Operations Directorate head Gene KRANZ.

[The group walks off, followed by intermission.]


INTERMISSION:

[STSOC chant:] DON'T CHARGE A SLASH S OR P, GREEN TIME'S WHAT WE WANT TO SEE...

[MOD chant:] TOURISTS SPEND A HARD-EARNED BUCK, HOPE THE DISNEY THING WON'T SUCK...

[Bang notebooks into heads and repeat chant]


NARRATOR: The travellers are soon surprised when the VP has a vision:

BUSH: [voice only] Now Dan, it wouldn't be prudent for you to continue on this course.

QUAYLE: [drops to his knees] Oh, Mr. President, it's you!

BUSH: Oh, don't grovel! Read my lips: I can't stand people who grovel!....Now, what are you doing?

QUAYLE: [bowing] We're not worthy! We're not worthy!

BUSH: Well stop it! You're like those miserable Gallup polls, they're so depressing! Dan, head of the Space Council, you and your staff shall have the task to move people forward in these dark times, like one of the thousand points of light!

QUAYLE: Good idea, Mr. President!

BUSH: Of course it's a good idea! [Someone holds up a picture of the Station] Behold the Space Station Freedom! You must fund and construct this wondrous orbiting laboratory-- it is your only purpose! But it is a mighty venture and will require the help of others. You must now travel to the corners of the earth and find us some partners!

QUAYLE: And when we have it built, can I have some friends over and go play inside?

BUSH: No! Now go!

[The group walks around to the tune of Monty Python and the Holy Grail. They stop at a bridge crossing the Pacific; a man sits in front of it.]

OLD MAN: Those who wish to cross the bridge of death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see....

QUAYLE: [stepping forward] I'll go first!

OLD MAN: WHAT...is your name?

QUAYLE: I am J. Danforth QUAYLE, Vice President of the United States!

OLD MAN: WHAT...is your quest?

QUAYLE: To fund and build the Space Station Freedom.

OLD MAN: WHAT...is your favorite branch of the armed forces?

QUAYLE: Why, the Indiana National Guard, of course.

OLD MAN: [cheerily] Alright, off you go!

[TRULY steps forward.]

OLD MAN: WHAT...is your name?

TRULY: Admiral Richard Truly, former Director of NASA.

OLD MAN: WHAT...is your quest?

TRULY: To fund and build the Space Station Freedom.

OLD MAN: WHAT...is your favorite shuttle payload?

TRULY: Uh, Hubble...No, Spacelab! TDRS! Aaaarrrrrgggghhhhh!

[OLD MAN shoots TRULY, who goes flying off to the side. KRANZ cautiously steps forward. "Stars and Stripes Forever" plays in the background.]

OLD MAN: WHAT...is your name?

KRANZ: I am Gene KRANZ, head of the Mission Operations Directorate at JSC.

OLD MAN: WHAT...is your quest?

KRANZ: To fund and build the Space Station Freedom.

OLD MAN: WHAT...is the end of mission touchdown velocity of a heavyweight space shuttle orbiter?

KRANZ: Is that on a concrete or lakebed runway?

OLD MAN: What? I don't know that! Aaaarrrrrgggghhhhh!

[KRANZ shoots OLD MAN, who goes flying off to the side and the rest of the group crosses the bridge. Meanwhile, the second intermission....]


INTERMISSION:

[STSOC chant:] BONDS FOR SHOWING UP EACH DAY, TAXES TAKE IT ALL AWAY.

[MOD chant:] TEAM EXCELLENCE AND TQM, THIS WILL BE OUR REQUIEM.

[Bang notebooks into heads and repeat chant]


NARRATOR: The group stopped first in Japan to find a partner....

JAPAN: Konichiwa! What do you want?

QUAYLE: It is I, Dan QUAYLE of the National Space Council. Whose HQ is this?

JAPAN: This is the headquarters of NASDA, the National Space Development Agency of Japan!

QUAYLE: Tell your director that if he will give us some modules, he can join our space station!

JAPAN: Well, I'll ask, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see.

QUAYLE: Are you sure he's got one?

JAPAN: Oh, yes, it's very nice.

QUAYLE: Can we come in and have a look?

JAPAN: No way! You are lazy American types!

QUAYLE: Then what are you?

JAPAN: We are Japanese! Why else do you think we have this outrageous accent, you silly man!

QUAYLE: If we can't see your mockups, we shall have to vomit on your prime minister again!

JAPAN: You don't frighten us, American pig dogs! Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you, silly NASA men, and all your silly American congressmen!

QUAYLE: [to KRANZ] What a strange person!

JAPAN: I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!

QUAYLE: Um, is there anyone else I can talk to?

JAPAN: No, now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

QUAYLE: Now look here, we've been more than reasonable....

[JAPAN begins tossing Japanese cars, computers, and TVs at the Americans, who flee]

ALL: Run away! Run away!

[After running away, the two regroup]

QUAYLE: Well, that worked about as well as my presidential chances. Hey, doesn't someone else have a space program?

KRANZ: The Russians have had a space station for years....Those godless un-American commies....

QUAYLE: No, Gene, it's OK, they're our friends now. Aren't they selling their MIR space station?

KRANZ: Well, actually, the Japanese bought that one too, right between the Seattle Mariners and KSC. But they do have other things. They have the Topaz reactor, the Buran shuttle, the Soyuz space capsules, they've got... [uses his hands to express] huuuuuge boosters....

NARRATOR: The defeat in Tokyo seems to utterly dishearten the travellers. The ferocity of the Japanese taunting took them completely by surprise. So it was off to Moscow to deal with the Russians. They were turned away, however, as the former Soviets were too busy trying to figure out the secret of McDonald's Special Sauce. (We could have told them it was really just Russian dressing....)

[As NSC leaves, third intermission]


INTERMISSION:

[STSOC chant:] TEAM EXCELLENCE AND TQM, THIS WILL BE OUR REQUIEM.

[MOD chant:] KEGS IN BUILDINGS 1 AND 4, WE'RE NOT THE ONES YOU'RE LOOKING FOR...

[Bang notebooks into heads and repeat chant]


NARRATOR: The last resort of the NSC was to seek the assistance of the shaky consortium known as the European Space Agency, known for its constant in-fighting.

GERMANY: Halt! Who goes there!

QUAYLE: Umm, no one, just, um, Dan QUAYLE, passing through.

ENGLAND: What do you want!

QUAYLE: Nothing really, just, um, just some modules for Space Station Freedom.

FRANCE: Oui, oui, I'm afraid not.

QUAYLE: Well, actually, I'm Vice President of the United States, too.

GERMANY: You're a vice-president? In that case we shall have to impose extra tariffs on you.

FRANCE: Oui, oui, shall I?

ENGLAND: Oh, I don't think so.

FRANCE: Oui, oui, what do I think?

GERMANY: I think let's raise the tariffs. Europe '92 and all that.

ENGLAND: Let's be nice to him.

FRANCE: Oui, oui, oh shut up!

GERMANY: Quick, get the tariffs out, I want to cut his head off!

ENGLAND: Oh, cut your own head off.

FRANCE: Oui, oui, yes, do us all a favor. [to ENGLAND] You're lucky, you don't have to share a border with him.

GERMANY: What do you mean?

FRANCE: Oui, oui, you snore!

GERMANY: Oh, I don't, and besides, you've got bad breath!

ENGLAND: Oh, stop bitching and let's go have tea and biscuits.

FRANCE: Oui, oui, oh, not biscuits.

GERMANY: All right, all right, let's kill him anyway!

ALL: Right!

[But during the bickering, QUAYLE and KRANZ shake their heads in despair and walk off.]

NARRATOR: Realizing that dealing with the ESA would never accomplish anything, the group dejectedly flew across the Atlantic to Washington to meet with Congress one last time before the budget debates.

[QUAYLE and KRANZ run around with arms outstretched, making jet noises, before "landing" and going before Congress.]

CONGRESS1: We are the congressmen who say...CUTS!

CONGRESS2: CUTS! CUTS!

KRANZ: Not the congressmen who say CUTS!

CONGRESS1: The same. We are the keepers of the sacred words, CUTS, DEFICIT, and FILIBUSTER.

QUAYLE: We are sad to report that we could not secure international cooperation for the space station.

CONGRESS2: CUTS! CUTS!

CONGRESS1: You know that this means we shall have to CUT your funding...

[NSC people are wincing at the sound of the word CUTS]

QUAYLE: No, no, anything but that!

CONGRESS2: CUTS! CUTS!

KRANZ: Now look here, you fools! We've had just about enough of this! If you kill the space station, do you know how many JOBS will be lost? Do you know how many JOBS the space program employs in all 50 states, in your constituencies?

[Now CONGRESS1 and CONGRESS2 are wincing at the sound of JOBS]

CONGRESS1: No, stop, don't say that word!

KRANZ: That's right, a lot of JOBS are at stake. And if you don't vote us more money, these people will lose their JOBS and then they'll vote you out of office and you will have to get real JOBS of your own!

CONGRESS2: OK, OK, we'll give you the money! You can have your Holy Space Station!

NARRATOR: And so, in Washington, California, Florida, right here in Houston, and throughout the nation, there was much rejoicing.

ALL: Yeah.

---

cast (in order of appearance):

Alan Groskreutz: Narrator, BUSH, Japan

Andrea Podsiadlo: Person1

Tim Griffiths: BARROW, Germany

Dean Knott: ASRM (STSOC only)

Dean from Austin: ASRM (MOD only)

Jeff Schikner: QUAYLE

Roje Yap: Truly, CONGRESS2

Michael Grabois: KRANZ [co-author]

Robin Hieber: Monk

Sally Jurgens: Monk

Cathy Ciculla: Monk

Heather Peters: Monk (MOD only)

David Rose: Old Man, CONGRESS1 [co-author]

Kevin Shireman: England

Lee Coggins: France

not appearing but helping anyway:

Jeff Nickels: himself

Tori Palmer: herself (STSOC only)

Scott Palmer: himself (STSOC only)

Chris Jolley: himself (MOD only)

Pete Halvorson: Pistol Pete

Pete Maller: Ducky