Saturday, May 3, 2003

2003 skit: Too Far From Reality

© Surfin’ Chili 2003

This is CNN, the Chili News Network. Live from our studios in Houston, Texas, here is Christiane Armand-Bayou.

CHRISTIANE (seated behind a news desk)
Good afternoon. Here are the latest developments in Operation: Chili Freedom. For 25 years, a corrupt regime has terrorized the JSC Chili Cookoff. Why else hasn’t Surfin’ Chili won the best chili trophy in over a decade?!? Well, that regime is rapidly coming to an end. We take you now to CNN correspondent Elvis Rivera, somewhere in Clear Lake. Elvis, can you tell us your status?

ELVIS (standing before a dry erase board)
Yes, Christiane. As you said, I’m embedded with the 3rd Surfing Division in Clear Lake. Let me draw you a map to give you a better idea of where we are.

(Starts drawing on dry erase board. There’s already a map of Clear Lake on it in one color, and he begins drawing on it in another color.)

We started out early this morning from Ellington Air Field and have been making our way slowly down Highway 3 towards the Johnson Space Center ...

(As Elvis draws his map, the 3 M.P.’s walk on stage. They see what Elvis is doing. Two M.P.’s quickly grab Elvis on either side and haul him off stage. Elvis loudly protests the entire way. The third M.P. frantically erases Elvis’ map and carries the dry erase board off stage.)

(Watches Elvis being carried away with disbelief. Appears confused for moment, then quickly composes herself.)

We’re sorry. We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties. And Elvis has left the building!

Earlier today, the 69th Surfing Division took control of Ellington Air Field with little resistance from the Aircraft Operations cookoff team. Witnesses say they dropped their bowls and spoons, took off their team uniforms, and blended in with the population. We have a recording of what the Public Affairs Officer, Edith McRotch, had to say about these events. We would have brought this to you live, but our email server was down.

(Stage hand holds up a sign that says “Recorded Earlier”.)

(Edith is wearing a long skirt. There’s a big hole cut out in the back which exposes these huge fake butt cheeks. She’s facing the audience directly, so they don’t see this yet.)

We have driven them back. Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Ellington Airport. The force that was in the airport ... this force was destroyed. The Surfin’ Chili ... they are wild donkeys.

(Edith turns completely around, showing those huge butt cheeks to the audience. She storms off stage.)

(Stage hand holds up a sign that says “Live”.)

Obviously, Edith McRotch is really hanging her butt out on a limb trying to hide the grim reality of their situation.

In other developments, elements from Surfin’ Chili have broken through the gates at JSC and are parading around the JSC campus in a show of strength. Chili cookoff participants, celebrating their liberation from the evil regime, have taken to the streets in jubilant song and dance.

(Group parades across stage with the Surfin’ Chili Dude. Some are singing a Surfin’ Chili Song. Others are dancing.)

CHRISTIANE (receives a piece of paper from a stage hand)
Wait ... this just in. CNN correspondent Pat McGroin is with the Chili Information Minister, live in an exclusive interview! We take you there now. Pat ... ?

Mr. Minister, what’s your reaction to today’s events?

(As Chili Information Minister is ranting, group is in the background waving frantically in the background.)

The JSC Chili Cookoff leadership will not be defeated. We have already achieved victory, apart from some technicalities. There are NO Surfin’ Chili infidels on the grounds of JSC. Never! I blame Al-Jazeera! They are marketing for these Surfin’ Chili donkeys.

Al-Jazeera is reporting that Surfin’ Chili is driving their vehicles through the new security barricades. Apparently, this is less damaging than to drive over the retractable gates. Can you confirm this?

Do not repeat the lies of liars.

(Backup Singers come from behind the Chili Information Minister and sing a chorus from “Lies” by the Thompson Twins – “Lies, Lies, Lies, Yea-ah”.)

Do not become like them. They're not even within 100 miles of the Gilruth Center. They are not in any place. They hold no place in NASA. I triple guarantee you, there are no Surfin Chili members at JSC.

How have you confronted Surfin’ Chili?

We made them eat Buzzard’s Breath Chili last night and this gave Surfin’ Chili a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly.

Are you afraid that Surfin’ Chili might win this year?

Oui, oui! I am not afraid and neither should you be! The Surfin’ Chili propaganda is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies!

(Backup Singers come from behind the Chili Information Minister and sing another chorus from “Lies” by the Thompson Twins.)

I now inform you that you are too far from reality. Surfin’ Chili is not worth an old shoe.

But can’t you see the Surfin’ Chili booth right over there? (points to it)

They are not at the Gilruth Center. They are not in control of any airport. I tell you this. It is all a lie. They lie. It is a Hollywood movie. You do not believe them. Have you not seen the movie “Wag the Dog”? I have said enough! This interview is over!

(The Chili Information Minister storms off stage. Pat remains behind.)

Pat, is the JSC Chili Information Minister totally insane?!? Anyone can see that Surfin’ Chili remains a huge threat this year. With the Mother of All Cherry Bombs and the GPS-guided Jello shot launchers, it’s clear this conflict will be over soon.

That’s right, Christiane. I think my colleagues with the 3rd Surfing Division put it best – Surfin Chili is the team to beat this year.

T – E – A – M Teeeeeeeeeam Drink! (Tim’s the Devil)

- - The End - -

Cast, in order of appearance:
Christiane Armand-Bayou** -- Stephanie Walker
Elvis Rivera** --
M.P.’s (3) --
Edith McRotch** -- Sally Jurgens
Pat McGroin** -- Roje Yap
Chili Information Minister** -- Michael Grabois
Backup Singers --
** speaking part

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