1999 skit: Surfin' Chili - The Phantom Menace

© 1999 Surfin' Chili

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(Star Wars music playing in background)

Narrator: The following preview has been rated G for goofy.

Every generation has a legend. Every journey has a first step. Every saga has a beginning. Coming soon to a chili cookoff near you, "Phantom Dragonfly: Star Wars Episode 2A.4".

In a galaxy-sized budget far, far away...

Narrator: A strong uprising had occurred, which was very evil. After seeing the power of the dark blue dress (well, except for a few spots...), Emperor Clinton has turned away from the peaceful, cooperative international space program. Instead, he has thrown in his lot with the forces attempting to build the even more powerful space station -- the Death Mir. Successful launch of the Death Mir will drain the monetary life force from ISS, and cripple the hopes of thousands of US aerospace contractors, everywhere.

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Scene 1

Emperor Clinton: Soon all the monetary funds will be ours. Darth Gore... how close are we to getting Senator Bunsenburner, Chairman of the Committee on Science, to the dark blue side?

Darth Gore: Emperor, with your threat of cancelling the Wisconsin subsidized cheese distribution program, he has fallen into our laps. [Both make evil laugh]. Even as we speak, Bunsenburner is trying to convince Princess Monica Layme to sign a treaty giving us all that we want. And, as of now, the new internet satellite "Triana", which allows users to see the earth at any given moment, is already draining the ISS funds at a tremendous rate.

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Scene 2

Narrator: Movie critic, Pat McGroin, has given this movie three thumbs up. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss eight bucks goodbye. Watch as the evil Senator tries to get his clutches on the woman with the stained dress...

Sen. Bunsenburner: Sign the treaty Princess Monica Layme...

Princess Layme: Senator, I will sign no treaty until it's time.

Sen Bunsenburner. Do it, Princess Layme, Do me!

Princess Layme: I'm sorry, but that's not one of my contract deliverables.

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Scene 3

Narrator: Shep Spacewalker, a young Jedi of the ISS, follows the aged hero John Glenn Solo and his ship the Freedom 7 Falcon, where they seek the advice of Jedi master Yo-Gene Da-Kranz.

Shep: Yo-Gene Da-Kranz, we need to get Princess Monica Layme away from the Senator before he forces her to treat him...I mean...forces her to sign the treaty. If we fail, the budget will be diverted to build the Death Mir, the Congress will attempt to do the redesign themselves, and the engineers who labor on the slave moon of "End-our lives-please" will give up all hope. The horrible slavemaster VPP has already driven them unto the brink of despair. What must we do?

Yo-Gene: OooOhh An option, failure is not...!

Solo: Come on you old muppet, give us some real advice.

Yo-Gene: Oooh you must read my book that's coming out this year. It's not easy being green...

Shep: (Kicks Yoda into orbit). Let's go, Glenn-Solo, and get Princess Layme.

Solo: OK, but I need to make a stop on the world of Viagra, first.

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Scene 4

Narrator: See the ragtag Freedom 7 Falcon race back D.C. to save Princess Layme. (cast member races around with shuttle model) Meanwhile, you'll discover there is a force greater than life itself. A force far greater than Dan Goldin or Hillary Clinton.

Princess: You're the last line of defense between good and evil in the galaxy, the last best hope for humanity. Help me Obi-Wan Georgeabbey, you're my only hope.

Senator: "Oui, Oui I'm not afraid"

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Scene 5

Narrator: And the finale you've all heard about... the culmination of years of work, the incredible, explosive climax between Emperor Clinton and Princess Monica Layme...

Censor: No, wait, this is a family cookoff, you can't have people climaxing in public.

Narrator: See the Phantom Dragonfly, Star Wars Episode whatever is the number- you'll still pay the big bucks for a George Lucas sequel even if it means camping out in a ticket line for several months. This low budget but highly tasteful Surfin Chili is sure to please. Phantom Dragonfly, Star Wars Episode 2A.4 is not yet rated or you won't want to see it.

What we can show of the grand finale is this:
[insert Surfin Cheer]

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cast (in order of appearance):

Narrator: Robin Bass

Emperor Clinton:

Darth Gore:

Senator Bunsenburner: Lee Coggins

Princess Monica Layme: Sally Jurgens

Shep Spacewalker:

John Glenn Solo: John McKenna

Yo-Gene Da-Kranz: Michael Grabois

Censor: Michael Grabois

1998: Well, ummm....

Sigh. Not every cookoff can be a winner. Oh sure, we had our Burma Shave signs (Hey John Glenn -- Think you're tough? -- Have a bowl -- The REAL Right Stuff! -- Surfin' Chili), and we had our Jello Shot Twister, and our tequila shots, and our cherry bombs... but we didn't have a skit, for the first time since 1991.

We had lame excuses like "I'm too busy". A script was planned; topical references would have included the last episode of "Seinfeld", Viagra, "Titanic", the Clinton/Lewinsky matter, and the new crew of the space station: John Glenn, Pat McGroin, and Kenny McCormack of "South Park". It also would have plagiarized old scripts of ours. In the end, though, it was just too little, too lame, so we went to the Big Dance skitless.

In the meantime, we managed to pick up a 3rd Place ribbon in both Grapefruit Pass and Pyramid Build and a 2nd Place Spoon Pass. Obviously, no Showmanship Award this year (or chili award, for that matter -- they opened up the competition and brand new teams won all the awards. A subsequent investigation turned up nothing...), but John had a comment of his own (see picture at left). Even Sally tried going undercover as a judge, but to no avail.


The booth was graced by the presence of JSC Center Director George Abbey (who once again declined our tequila shots, cherry bombs, and Jello shots) and Congressman Nick Lampson (D-Beaumont, TX) in whose disctrict JSC resides. Lampson, on the other hand, partook of both cherry bombs and Jello shots. He's a cool Congresscritter. Even General Jake Vermilyea, a top dog at USA management, chugged some cherry bomb juice.


You gotta love this place. Where else in the world can you have a German astronaut nicknamed Hoss wearing a cowboy hat and doing a Jello shot?



Next year, we'll do better. After all, it's the last chili cookoff of the millennium....

1997: So Long, Farewell to Mir

We started off the morning with a missing burner. Despite that setback, chef David Rose guided our team to an incredible 21st place finish in the Judges' Chili competition. (Out of 22 teams.)

Situated directly across from the hated Chili Con Barney team and next to Chili AsCan Carne (the 1996 Astronaut Class), we managed to keep ourselves in the spotlight. We pulled off a 2nd place finish in the Grapefruit Pass and 1st place finish in the spoons, though our space trivia team left something to be desired. Placing just out of the money in beer chug, we were in the running for Pyramid Build (under 8 seconds in practice, with the New Fat Boyz What Don't Climb) until it inexplicably collapsed. Nonetheless, we were good enough for a second consecutive 2nd Place Showmanship Trophy.


We brought back an old favorite -- the water balloon launcher, which gave us a bit of trouble due to being deep in the trees, until we learned how to aim the balloon so that it dropped its water over the intended target. We nixed the pre-cookoff idea of putting pudding in the balloons. Jeers to the guy who got upset about getting wet and threw his beer on a Surfer. Unfortunately, Sally's cherry bombs were a bit weak. The tequila shots, as always, were a big hit (especially with some of the Ascans), although JSC Center Director George Abbey politely declined a shot.




And a new favorite was introduced -- Jello Shot Twister, in which the appropriately colored jello shot was consumed before the player moved their hand or foot. A good time was had by all.

This year's skit: a look behind the scenes at Jerry Linenger's "Letters to My Son", based on Jerry's real letters to his son about life aboard the Russian space station Mir. We ended with a rousing rendition by The Surfin' von Trapp Family Singers singing "So Long, Farewell to DT" (DT is the mail code for the Astronaut Training Division).

FOD Awards:

• 2nd Place trophy for Showmanship
  
• 1st Place ribbon for Spoon Pass
  
• 2nd Place ribbon for Grapefruit Pass
  

Once again, we lost the showmanship trophy !@*&!#^%*$ Barney team, for the second year in a row. (We think our "So Long, Farewell" skit may have hurt us, seeing as how one of the judges is a manager in the Training Division). Despite the fact that Surfin' Chili was ISO 9000 Certified, we could tell there was definitely a conspiracy against us this year, since our propaganda, skit, and activities kicked Barney's butt. We're gonna have to try harder next year...

Oh, and since Tim has left, it appears that Gabe may be the devil now.

See Surfin' Chili in action! Jesse Pollard of filemedia.com was at the cookoff filming the proceedings. There's a whole page devoted to the 1997 Johnson Space Center Annual FOD Chili Cook-Off; we were there under the "smartass comments" section. (Sadly, the 1997 chili cookoff site has since been removed - this is the Internet Archive Wayback Machine's 2001 archive, and all it has is the text, no video.)

1997 flyer: ISO 9000

Two flyers we passed out at the 1997 cookoff:

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SURFIN’ CHILI:
CERTIFIABLE
(ISO 9000)


WHAT IS ISO-9000?

• ISO 9000 is a series of standards and guidelines that define the minimum requirements for an effective quality system accepted internationally.

Surfin’ Chili is the only chili cookoff team that is
ISO-9000 certified!

KNOW THE QUALITY POLICY:

• Surfin’ Chili is committed to providing a quality chili cookoff experience through rigorous application of our ISO 9000 certified beer chug, cherry bomb, booth, pyramid build, skit, tie-dying, and chili preparation processes.

Products and services required for the core functions of chili cookoffs:

Chili engineering and design * chili cook training * chili life sciences research * chili management * chili operations * space trivia * beer chug * cherry bomb * skit preparation * booth decoration * tie-dying party

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SURFIN’ CHILI:
CERTIFIABLE
(ISO 9000)


WHAT IS ISO-9000?

• ISO 9000 is a series of standards and guidelines that define the minimum requirements for an effective quality system accepted internationally.

Surfin’ Chili is the only chili cookoff team that is
ISO-9000 certified!

ISO 9000 Requirements	Surfin’ Chili Requirements
4.1 Management Responsibility	What management?
4.2 Quality System	Nothing spoiled
4.3 Design Control	Booth built by "Fat Boys What Don’t Climb"
4.4 Document and Data Control	Get recipe from Internet
4.5 Process Control	Wing it
4.6 Inspection and Testing	If you don’t like how it tastes, add some more stuff
4.7 Control of Nonconforming Product	Ask "Wrong Stuff"; they’ve got non-conforming chili
4.8 Control of Quality Records	Put info on our web site
4.9 Internal Quality Audits	Prep the night before
4.10 Statistical Techniques	Count the Judge’s and People’s Choice ballots

1997 skit: Jerry Linenger: Letters to My Son

Welcome to another presentation by the Surfin’ Chili Players. Jerry Linenger has been writing a series of public letters to his son about what life is like on Mir. Today we present a behind-the-scenes look at what’s really going on aboard Mir.

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Letter #1

Narrator: Dear John,

What a thrill it is to be orbiting the earth aboard the space station Mir! This is mankind’s pioneer spirit at work... living aboard a pioneer.... uh, chuckwagon.

Sitting on the launch pad four days ago, with all my hopes and expectations, I thought I was prepared for my upcoming adventure... but oh, was I mistaken! Sure, John Blaha spent hours this past week familiarizing me with the facility...

Blaha: There are 4 emergency exits aboard the Kvant module, and another 3 in Spekter. In case of a water landing your seat cushions may be used as a flotation device. In the event of a fire, your oxygen mask will drop from the ceiling. Just pull on the rubber hose and oxygen will flow. Place the mask over your head and breathe normally.

Narrator: ...and statusing me on the experiments. We exchanged gifts, took some pictures, and transferred loads of equipment to my new home. Yes, son, I was prepared for all of that.

But when the 81 crew sealed the hatches and Atlantis was on its way, it wasn’t very long before my new companions changed the Flight Plan. Who was it that said ‘In Space, No One Can Hear You Scream’....

Russian #1: [holding a lacy teddy] Blaha always have wear size 12!

Russian #2: [winking] Coochie, coochie, Jerry!

Jerry: [runs away from Russians]

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Letter #2

Narrator: Dear John,

After just a couple of weeks up here, you begin to miss the many conveniences of home... fresh food, running water, clean-smelling clothes. As you might imagine, the arrival of new supplies makes for a pretty exciting day aboard Mir. I can hardly describe the wonderful sight as we spotted Progress, at first a bright and distant star....

[All three cosmonauts watching the approach, getting gradually more and more excited...]

...growing... closing in on our outpost in space. The... anticipation... [panting] building.... [panting] BUILDING... Moving so fast... no, no... slow down... OK...OH,YES! Coming closer....cooomminnngg cllloooossserrr.....CLOSER!

Russian #1: [trying to steer with joystick]

Russian #2: Leftsky! Rightsky! More rightsky! Straightsky!

Jerry: [screaming, sitting in chair trying to "swim" through air away from hatch]

Heckler in audience: Isn't it inappropriate having a member of management represent Progress?

[SILENCE -- Progress suddenly stops]

Narrator: Windows has detected an illegal operation. This application will be terminated.

[Progress gyrates wildly]

All: [GROAN!]

[sheer chaos breaks out]

Sound effect:[CRASH!!]

[Progress collides and knocks everyone to the floor]

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Letter #3

[Cosmonauts with backs to audience -- sunglasses on, preparing plants, etc.]

Narrator: Dear John,

The life of a researcher is seldom exciting... hours of boredom separated by a few thrilling moments. The days are dragging on, my son. Move one sample here, another there. Draw blood... Recover attitude control... The same routine over and over again. But yesterday we made an unexpected discovery in our microgravity garden. You may have heard how well our wheat crop has been growing in the last month. But- heh, heh!- Shannon and John were growing more than just wheat up here! And it IS the SEASON OF HARVEST!!

Sound Effects: [Low Rider music]

[Cosmonauts turn around]

All: [rolling joints and partying!]

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Letter #4

[Jerry searching the horizon with binoculars]

[Russians are off to the side checking navigation instruments and attitude control system, discussing in a low voice]

Narrator: Dear John,

It is with you and you alone that I am able to confide. Throughout my stay, I have reserved 15 minutes every day for plain, simple stargazing. I never grow tired of observing the universe from this unique vantage point -- the bright blue earth below, cutting into the deep, dark heavens above. The stars seem closer from here, like you could almost touch them. Something new to see in all directions.

But yesterday, John, I... I just don’t know what it was. I’ve been here so long son! Your mind wanders. It becomes difficult to judge the unexpected from the impossible.

You see, I was observing that spectacular comet when, all of a sudden....

[styrofoam comet with streamers and a sparkler whizzes by, followed by fanatics]

Heaven’s Gate Fanatics: [normal voices] "The Mothership!" "Our time has come!" "We want to transcend!" "Onward to the next reality!"

[Then, with high voices]: All: "Wait for us! Here we come! Wait for us!" "Where is my pudding and applesauce?"

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Letter #5

Narrator: Dear John,

As a famous poet once said, "When the going gets tough, it all hits the fan"?

[O2 generator is set off: a smoke bomb in a can, labeled "Valu-Jet"]

All: Run around holding throat like choking and fight over available O2 mask

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Letter #6

Narrator: Star Date 20222*5*10

Dear John [smirk], Johnny-boy! Oh, boy! Oh, ho, ho! I don’t think we’re in Kansas any more! Oh no, uh-uh.

[John Belushi style -- shift eyes, left and right]

One smart man, he felt smart; Two smart men, they felt smart; Three smart men, they smelled fart! Ha, ha, ha! [Cough, cough, cough] That’s not all they smelled -- soot! Ethelyne glycol! Yeeaaah!

This is Captn Jerry to ground control... and I'm feeling very scared... I'm floating in a most peculiar way...

[Russians discussing and pointing at Jerry]

Mr. Sulu, evasive action - hard to port, hard to starboard! Scottie, more power to the shields... where is my warp drive? Mr. Spock, damage report! Chekov, fire photon torpedoes! Where is Yeoman Rand? Scotty, GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!

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Letter #7

Narrator: Dear John,

Today I received word that Jim Halsell and the 83 crew had to abort their mission after only 4 days...

Jerry: Those LUCKY BASTARDS!!!!

[Crushes letter and throws it to the ground]

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Letter #8

[Russians putting Jerry in straight jacket]

Narrator: Dear John,

(in British accent) This is your Uncle Mike writing, Mike Foale. We docked Atlantis to the Mir today and picked up your dad. He seems real happy after his four-month visit... and he can’t wait to sing you songs when he gets home!

Sound Effects: [Blue Danube music]

Jerry: "Daisy, daisy, give me your answer do... I’m half crazy all for the love of you..."

Russian #1: [holding teddy] Jerry always have wear size 12!

Russian #2: [winking] Coochie, coochie, Mike!

Mike Foale: [look toward audience]

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Once again, folks -- we are Surfin' Chili, the first chili team with its own official web site! Before we leave, we have an extra treat for you. The Surfin' von Trapp Family Singers would like to convey a special message to you on behalf of all those who have recently left the Training Division. Ladies and Gentlemen: The Surfin' von Trapp Family Singers .....!

  The Surfin' von Trapp Family Singers

        performing

       SO LONG, FAREWELL, DT!
       (sung to the tune from "The Sound of Music")

It's FOUR in the morning, and we must still be on console,
        Even though the crew went home at TWO!
Reinvent DT cases; everywhere, empty places!
        It's plenty enough to drive you cuckoo!

(From the background)   Cuckoo!  Cuckoo!   

"We're fixing it," they tell us,
        But this only compels us
To say good bye to you!

So long!  Farewell!  Aufwiedersehn!  Good night!
        I hate to go and not complete my flight!

So long!  Farewell!  Aufwiedersehn!  Good bye!
        My briefing this week we'll give to the new guy!

So long!  Farewell!  Au'voire!  Aufwiedersehn!   
 I'd like to stay but not for what they're paying!

So long!  Farewell!  Aufwiedersehn!  Adeiu!
 No raise.  No praise.  You'd think they'd get a clue!

Before I go, I heave a heavy sigh.
 Will the last to go please turn out the light?

(slower) 
To Lockheed-Martin we go off to apply!
 So long!  Farewell!  Aufwiedersehn!  Good bye!

Good bye!  Good bye!  Good bye!

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CAST:
Narrator: Michael Grabois
Jerry: Ed Schoenstein
Russian #1: Ed
Russian #2: Julia Dobrinskaya
Blaha: Aaron Frith
Progress: David Rose
Heckler: Jeff Schickner
Heaven's Gaters: Brad Sharp, Mark Fleming
Hale-Bopp: ?
Mike Foale: Michael Grabois
song narrator: Roje Yap

1996: X-Files: The Chili Incident

Despite a devastating loss in the Space Trivia contest, Surfin' Chili managed to pull off the most incredible cookoff coup of all times: we won all four major trophies (Judges' Choice Best Chili, Peoples' Choice Best Chili, travelling People's Choice trophy, and Showmanship). Well, OK, we didn't exactly WIN all of them, but we did have them all at our booth at once. That's because I stole all four.


There were 25 teams from all over the NASA community in Houston, including space shuttle and station projects, with teams ranging from the public affairs office to the 1995 astronaut class (the Flying Escargot) to a bunch of medical doctors. Surfin' Chili was probably the 5th oldest team with continuous representation, behind (in no particular order) PAO, Wrong Stuff, BARF, and Red Baron.

Note: drinking screwdrivers starting at 8 a.m. makes the day go a lot faster.

Our skit this year was an X-Files takeoff called X-Files: The Chili Incident. It has the X-Mobile, crop circles, mysterious disappearances, the Unabomber, Zeta Reticulans, and the return of Pat McGroin. And oh yeah, we deliberately chose to put a guy in drag to help our Showmanship chances. (Picture by Dale Martin, special to the Surfin' Chili page.)



FOD Awards:

• 2nd Place trophy for Showmanship
  
• 1st Place ribbon for Pyramid Build
  
• 2nd Place ribbon for Spoon Pass
  

But dammit, we lost the shomanship to that !@*&!#^%*$ Barney team. The Showmanship trophy goes to the team who displays the most spirit before and during the cookoff. This includes pre-cookoff propaganda, participation in events, and general obnoxiousness. The Barney team won, I suspect, due to their propagandizing (which included stuff like painting dinosaur footprints outside a few buildings [with water-based paint] and hanging a banner outside JSC that renamed it the "Lyndon Barney Johnson Space Center").

Next year, guys...

The 1996 cookoff was the first one in which one of the teams had their own web page (this one, of course, which has been around since December 1995). At least one other team, impressed by the technical wizardry required for web page building, stole the idea and began to make their own. The Red Baron Chili page was up for a while, but apparently they found that they couldn't compete with Surfin' Chili and took it down.

1996 skit: X-File 51.6--The Chili Incident

© 1996 Surfin' Chili

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[X-Files theme Music]

Narrator: The truth is stranger than fiction, but the truth IS out there. What follows is a story of the strangeness that surrounds us every day.

Mulder: Scully, I'd like you to take a look at something really strange that I came across while surfing the internet the other day.

Scully: Oh come on, Mulder, did you discover the adult section of the web? You can be fired for that.

Mulder: No, nothing like that. See this?

Scully: So? It looks like a chili pepper on a surfboard.

Mulder: Maybe to you, but I recognized it from this: a crop circle formation from Sally Sandwich -- I mean Middlesex, England last year. I found this on a web page for something called "Surfin' Chili", which claims to be a Johnson Space Center chili cookoff team.

Scully: You're not serious, are you?

Mulder: I did a little digging around, and I discovered that all sorts of strange things have been happening at JSC at intervals coinciding with some weird pagan rituals called chili cookoffs.

Scully: What?

Mulder: There are legends of strange visitors from the skies who used to surf the gravitational waves of space who looked like chili peppers.

Scully: Alien chili peppers?

Mulder: Yes. The idea of a chili cookoff is derived from the ancients' worshipping the aliens by eating them to absorb their powers.

Scully: What proof do you have that something strange is going on?

Mulder: Well I've made several calls to JSC, and I've gotten some interesting responses. For instance . . .

[[Phone Rings]]

Mulder: (punches speakerphone) FBI, Mulder

Deep Chili: So, Agent Mulder, I hear you're interested in Surfin' Chili. Well, that's a good start, but you need to dig deeper, if you want to find out the truth.

Mulder: Who is this?

Deep Chili: You can call me . . . . Deep Chili.

Mulder: What's your connection to all of this?

Deep Chili: Never mind, Agent Mulder. Just remember one of the prime rules of investigation. When in doubt, follow the chili, follow the chili . . . .

[[click]]

Mulder: (to Scully) We're going to JSC. To the X-mobile!!!

Chorus: Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-X-files!

Narrator: The dynamic duo of FBI agents travel to Houston, home of JSC, and other various strange events.

McGroin: Good afternoon, Pat McGroin.

Scully: Excuse me?

McGroin: Pat McGroin, Special Agent Pat McGroin, attached to JSC. I'll take you over to the chili cookoff.

Scully: We're going to go to the cookoff itself?

McGroin: Yes, it seems that the judges' chili samples have mysteriously vanished.

Mulder: I knew it! Alien abduction!

McGroin: We can't say just yet. We suspect that a team known as Surfin' Chili may be responsible. It seems they were accused of stealing beer kegs a few years ago.

Mulder: You see, Scully? Surfin' Chili again. I knew there was a connection. First crop circles, then disappearing beer kegs, now the chili samples We HAVE to find the link. I KNOW it's here!

Scully: You mentioned other strange happenings. What else can you tell us about the cookoff?

McGroin: Well, you see those guys over there? They're called "The Wrong Stuff". I've always had suspicions about them, and now that the Unabomber is on their team....[make sucking breathing sound]. And their chili is just BAD.

Scully: And what about these guys over here?

McGroin: That team was put into power by the most heinous force of the 20th century: Barney the dinosaur.

Mulder: Who's that?

McGroin: That drag queen over there? He's from Acme Chili. They dressed in drag last year to win the skit and decided they liked it. I hear that one's pregnant with Barney's love child.

[man in drag walks by and poses]

Scully: That's a serious innuendo. Any more weird occurrences?

McGroin: Well, the JSC security guards have started giving out tickets for jaywalking.

Scully: Writing tickets? That's hard to believe. Wait, Mulder, look! It's the Surfin' Chili booth!

Mulder: My God, Scully, you're right! It's an exact duplicate of those crop circles I told you about!

Surfin Chili: Would you like to try some of our world-famous chili and cherry bombs? We're the most popular chili team on the internet. People all over cyberspace have flocked to our home page. JSC -- that stands for Just Surfin' Chili, you know.

McGroin: What do you know of the incident of May 1992, when beer kegs mysteriously vanished and then appeared in buildings 1 and 4? Do you know you are the prime suspects in the recent disappearance of the judges' chili samples?

Surfin' Chili: They're blaming us again! But we told them all about the bright lights and the aliens moving the kegs the first time. [offstage]: Oui oui, I'm not afraid!] Oh God! it's happening again, it's happening again! (collapses into fetal position)

Mulder: Bright lights? Aliens? Of course! The Zeta Reticulans!

Scully: Zeta Reticulans? What are you talking about?

Mulder: The Zeta Reticulans are aliens who are also responsible for all the cattle mutilations and keg drainings out in the desert. Somehow they've infiltrated JSC!

Deep Chili: (voice from above that only Mulder hears) Follow the chili, Agent Mulder, follow the chili....

Mulder: Wait! Who are you?

McGroin: Who are you talking to?

Mulder: We have to find those missing judges' samples, or the whole cookoff will be in jeopardy. We need to blow the lid off this alien conspiracy!

Scully: McGroin, are there any differences in this cookoff from past cookoffs?

McGroin: Hmmm. This is the first year for USA. Maybe that has something to do with it.

Mulder: "USA"?

McGroin: United Space Alliance.

All: United Space Alliance-- Hail to the Alliance! (all salute)

Mulder: United Alliance... isn't that redundant?

Scully: No, it's just saying the same thing twice.

Mulder: Of course! The Alliance! They're an all-devouring multinational conglomerate bent upon the absorption and control of everyone and everything. First the space program, then the government, then the world! Their motto is "Conquer and control... for a better tomorrow."

Deep Chili: (appears) You've found the real culprit. USA wanted to take over the chili cookoff, then the space program, then the world.

Scully: But how would that affect what's been happening here every year?

Deep Chili: Every year people act irrationally, psychotically, or delusional because the Merging Aerospace and Defense Contractors Out of Work syndrome.

Mulder: That's M-A-D-C-O-W? [hold up prop]

Deep Chili: Yes, that's right, they're all suffering from MAD COW disease.

McGroin: Well, is there any hope for these poor, broken down, delusional aerospace employees?

Deep Chili: Only one thing. Like I said earlier: follow the chili. The only cure is massive infusions of Surfin Chili. (walks away, handing Mulder a piece of paper)

Scully: Mulder, who was that?

Mulder: An old friend of the space program who left a few years ago. His name and reputation are legendary. Deep Chili is none other than... Gene Kranz.

All: We're not worthy, we're not worthy!

McGroin: What does the paper say?

Mulder: It appears to be a cheer of some kind. T-E-A-M teeeeeeaaaam Drink!

(all sing, to the tune of "Surfin' USA" by the Beach Boys)
If everybody had an ocean,
Across the USA
Then everybody'd eat Surfin',
Surfin' Chili I say.
We'll all be gone for the summer
If we're furloughed today,
So don't forget to vote Surfin'....
Surfin' [hold up sign] USA [hold up sign]

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cast (in order of appearance):

Narrator: Chris Niemann
Mulder: Jeff Schickner
Scully: Sally Jurgens
Deep Chili: Brad Sharp
Pat McGroin: Michael Grabois
Unabomber: Jose Lozano
Man in drag: Mark Fleming
Surfin' Chili: Roje Yap

1995: Houston, We Have a Problem

The 1995 skit focused around the then-upcoming movie "Apollo 13" and the mega-hit "Forrest Gump". We called this one Life is a Bowl of Chili. OK, so it's a little lame, but everyone's entitled to an off-year. We lost to a bunch of guys in drag. We should have learned our lesson last year.

We reverted to our usual trophy-less chili, and pretty much everyone agreed our recipe sucked. And our skit left a lot to be desired, so we didn't even place in the running.


FOD Awards:

• 2nd Place ribbon for Beer Chug
  
• 2nd Place ribbon for Pyramid Build
  
• 3rd Place ribbon for Space Trivia
  

Basically a year to forget. Even Robin's Cherry Bombs weren't even good. But at least Planet Texas wasn't there.

1995 skit: Life Is Like a Bowl of Chili

© 1995 Surfin' Chili

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NARRATOR: On the 13th hour of the 13th day, NASA launched Apollo 13. A million things could have gone wrong, one did.

ASTRONAUT 1: Houston, I think we have a problem.

CAPCOM: What is it?

ASTRONAUT 1: It's when something goes bad, but that's not important now. We seem to have had an explosion in the fuel tanks. We are losing pressure in the beer 2 tanks.

ASTRONAUT 2: Yea, Game over, man! Game over!

ASTRONAUT 3: Get a hold of yourself! Anyway, Gene Kranz is down there. He will find a way to get us home.

NARRATOR: Yes, Gene Kranz. The Father of Flight Direction, the Pillar of Patriotism, the Icon of Intelligence.

GENE KRANZ: Get me ECLSS, Get me PROP, Get me a real introduction!

CAPCOM: It looks real bad sir. They have lost almost all their beer. Without it they will not be able to get back home alive.

GENE KRANZ: Look, you figure something out and you do it fast! We have never lost a man in space and we sure as hell won't lose one on my watch!

CAPCOM: But your shift isn't for another three hours?

GENE KRANZ: Oh, really?....Well, screw 'em.

NARRATOR: The flight control team worked feverishly to come up with a solution. If the crew of Apollo 13 could not fix their beer tanks, it was likely they would not survive.

CAPCOM: OK, 13, we've been talking about it and here's what we want you to do. First interconnect the beer-2 tanks to the RCS thrusters. Close the chili pepper iso valves 3-4-5, open the tequila hydraulic units, and since fuel cell 3 shut down, we'll reconfigure the jalapenos. We also want you to reconfigure the sensor array to do a full baryon particle sweep on all decks and search for dilithium crystal signatures.

ASTRONAUT 1: Hey, this isn't Star Trek, but we'll do what we can.

ASTRONAUT 3: Oui, oui, I am not afraid.

NARRATOR: Back in Houston, NASA holds a press conference.

PAO: Good afternoon, I'm Pat McGroin, and I'll take questions from the media.

Rep3: How did this tragedy happen?

PAO: It appears that one of the beer tanks had an explosion, and all of the beer on one side is gone. Miss Sharon Tell will show what it looked like: [shake up beer can and open].

Rep1: Why did you change from the traditional hydrazine and oxidizer mixture for propellant?

PAO: Well, beer and chili are a potent hypergolic mixture. In plain English, that means that beer and chili explode on contact with each other. Plus, it's cheaper.

Rep2: Will the Oilers ever reach the Super Bowl?

PAO: Not without a change in Oilier upper management. With Bud Adams controlling the money, we'll never see the kind of quality players in Oilier uniforms that we need.

Rep3: Now that NASA has sent men to the moon, what is next?

PAO: We will strive to continue to push the boundaries of manned space exploration to the ends of the Solar System. (pause) Or Just screw around in Earth orbit for 20 years with no clear vision until the congress gets totally tired of us, cuts our funding and a third of our workforce gets laid off. We really haven't decided yet.

NARRATOR: The Flight controllers start assessing the situation. Everything goes well.... at first. Slowly, though, the flight controllers realize that something is still pushing the crew of Apollo 13 off course. If left unchecked, it could truly be "game over, man."

CAPCOM: OK, 13, we've discovered that you're still leaking beer foam, and it's pushing you off-course.

ASTRONAUT 2: Game over, man!

GENE KRANZ: Cut that out! That was a previous movie. Now we know it's risky and that you didn't cover it in your training but you'll have to attempt a Final Abort Return Trajectory maneuver.

ASTRONAUT 1: Surely we don't have to perform the F-A-R-T maneuver...

GENE KRANZ: That's right, you'll have to FART. And stop calling me Surely. Since you're low on gas, we need you all to eat some chili and patch yourselves into the RCS jets.

ASTRONAUT 3: Mama always told me life is like a bowl of chili. You never know what you're gonna get.

ASTRONAUT 2: But what kind of chili?

ASTRONAUT 3: (ASTRONAUT 3 puts cotton in lower lip) We've got Surfin Chili, Outhouse chili, Planet Texas chili, BARF chili, Red Baron chili, [fill in more chili team names]...

CAPCOM: We need you to eat some Planet Texas chili. That has the most MTU's.

ASTRONAUT 1: MTU's?

CAPCOM: Yes, Methane Thermal Units.

NARRATOR: So our fearless (gets cut off by ASTRONAUT 2)...

ASTRONAUT 2: Game over man!

NARRATOR: So our,...brave, crew busily works on the makeshift patch that will hopefully save their lives and bring them and their spacecraft back home.

(Astronauts come out with dryer vents duct taped to their butts)
(Whoopee cushions are going off offstage)

ASTRONAUT 1: (holding Chili with dry ice in it) 13 to Houston, 13 to Houston, We have eaten all the Planet Texas chili that we can stand. Has it shown any effect?

CAPCOM: Affirmative 13, FARTing has corrected your trajectory and you are on a return course home. All of us here are real glad to see you through. The whole country has been following and we don't even have CNN yet. Is there anything you would like to say to the children of this nation.

ASTRONAUT 1: Houston, we can't wait to get back home and eat some SURFIN' CHILI!

(skit ends with a T-E-A-M DRINK cheer)

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cast (in order of appearance):
Narrator: Alan Groskreutz
Capcom: Jose Lozano
Astronaut 1:
Astronaut 2:
Astronaut 3: Lee Coggins
Gene Kranz: Michael Grabois
PAO:
Reporter 1:
Reporter 1:
Reporter 1:

1994: Naked Station 51.6

This year's skit was a combination of the recent "Naked Gun 33-1/3" along with "Gone With The Wind," "Babylon 5," and the recent troubles with the Tethered Satellite System. We managed to put it all together, somehow, and almost pulled off a storefront sweep in the two cookoffs: Naked Station 51.6.

RSOC Awards:

• 1st Place trophy for Storefront (It always helps to have a skit with a guy in drag)
  
• 3rd Place trophy for Best Chili
  

FOD Awards:

• 2nd Place Showmanship trophy
  
• 3rd Place ribbon for Pyramid Build
  
• 3rd Place ribbon for Space Trivia
  

It must have been a cosmic alignment of the planets. Everything went our way and we finally won a chili trophy (even if it was the RSOC trophy). Yes, we don't care about how the judges like our chili (they usually don't) as long as we do, but damn! it was good to win.

Low/highlights: Robin forgot the Cherry Bombs, Buffett on the CD, water gun fights, Andrea chowing down on jalapeno peppers, and Alan in drag (twice).