Surfin' Chili

Tuesday, May 1, 2001

2001: A Surfin' Odyssey

Second place trophy for Showmanship, our seventh in 11 years. Third place ribbon for Grapefruit, our sixth. A three-peat first place ribbon for Space Trivia, the first time in the 23 year history of the JSC FOD Chili Cookoff. Surfin' Chili kicked some serious butt.

Taking a cue from the STS-98 crew, we thought Safety. You got a problem with that?

The secret ingredient in the chili

The secret ingredient in the cooks

Never content to rest on our laurels - we pioneered "Burma Shave" signs, Jell-O shots, Mardi Gras beads, and booth balconies to the cookoff - this year we added temporary tattoos.

Tim said he was putting a tattoo on her....

Our skit this year skewered our usual range of targets: 2001: A Survivor Anomaly took on Al Gore and the 2000 Presidential Election, George Abbey, the destruction of Mir, the Hainan China airplane incident, Dennis Tito, the ISS computer fiasco, and Survivor. It was not a pretty sight.

Between Robin's cherry bombs and Sally's Jell-O shots, Surfin' Chili surfed to another successful year despite not winning any chili awards for an incredible 12th straight year. We rule!

2001 skit: 2001 - A Survivor Anomaly

CAST:
PAT MCGROIN (Gabe) – The host.
CHAD (Lee) -- The winner of the prize. He’s bare-foot and pregnant, but no one in the cast should acknowledge this fact. A pregnant Chad is purely a sight joke.
C.A.U. or Cockpit Avionics Upgrade (Sally) – The runner-up. He actually wins his challenge of revitalizing the aging Shuttle avionics. But despite that and the fact that the crew thinks he’s cool, he’s booted.
AL GORE (Schikner) -- The 1st booted contestant, because he was unable to successfully launch the Triana satellite. (Actually, it was a tie between him and MIR, until CHAD cast the deciding vote.)
GEORGE ABBEY (LeRoy) -- The 2nd booted contestant, because he couldn’t build an International Space Station on time and under budget.
* MIR (Steph) - The 3rd booted contestant, because she couldn’t hit the Taco Bell target.
DENNIS TITO (Mike) -- A millionaire who buys his way into the skit. He’s promptly told to stand next to ISS C&C COMPUTER but not to move or touch anything.
* DENNIS TITO’S ENTOURAGE -- A group of people who follow TITO around.
* ISS (Robin) -- TITO fiddles around this character in the background and sends ISS spinning out of control.

* non-speaking part

(The survivors solemnly walk onto the stage. The theme music comes on, with the three opening notes from "2001: A Space Odyssey" and then the opening theme from "Survivor". AL GORE is carrying a suitcase marked with the words "Wash D.C. or Bust". The survivors line up facing the audience, each holding a tiki torch. PAT MCGROIN then enters and stands in front of the survivors.)

PAT MCGROIN (addressing the audience):
Good evening, and welcome to the final installment of 2001: A Survivor Anomaly. I’m Pat McGroin, your host. Over these past few days, our survivors have gone through immense challenges and have endured unbearable ordeals. But tonight, the Tribal Council will decide the fate of the five people behind me. Who will survive ... and who gets voted off JSC Island?!?
After each of our challenges, the Tribal Council votes on who is cast off the island, based on how well each of them faced that challenge. Their first challenge was this ...
(PAT MCGROIN holds up a globe. "2001" theme music is heard in the background.)

PAT MCGROIN:
Each survivor was tasked to launch "Triana", a geosynchronous satellite that could take pictures of the Earth. People could then display those pictures on their computer desktops. In an unprecedented turn of events, the Tribal Council’s vote came out with a tie between Al and Mir ...

AL GORE (interrupts, addressing the audience more than PAT MCGROIN ):
Now, Pat ... I’ve argued, and I will continue to argue, for a fair and accurate and complete count before any decision is made. Let me stress the need to protect the integrity of the process … a process which I invented, by the way, just like I invented the Space Program! What is at issue here is nothing less than every American's simple, sacred right to vote ...

PAT MCGROIN (picks up where he was interrupted):
... the vote was a tie, that is, until we realized that we had undercounted Chad’s vote.

(to CHAD) Chad, what say you?
(CHAD produces his ballot and unfolds it. It reads "AL". AL GORE is shocked. PAT MCGROIN steps up to AL GORE and snuffs out his torch.)

PAT MCGROIN (to AL GORE):
Al ... the tribe has spoken.

(AL GORE, still in shock, walks off stage. He leaves behind his suitcase.)

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience):
The second challenge the survivors faced was to build an international space station, on time and under budget ... truly a daunting task, which none of them successfully completed. But the alliances that were made among the survivors took their toll here.
(PAT MCGROIN steps up to GEORGE ABBEY and snuffs out his torch.)

PAT MCGROIN (to GEORGE ABBEY):
George ... the tribe has spoken.

(PAT MCGROIN hands GEORGE ABBEY two items: a book and AL GORE’s suitcase.)

PAT MCGROIN (to GEORGE ABBEY):
Here, George ... you’ll need these.

(GEORGE ABBEY looks confused as he takes the items. He blankly looks at the book as he slowly walks off the stage.)

GEORGE ABBEY (reading the book’s cover):
"Facilitating Cooperation Between International Partners ... For Dummies"

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience):
Next, the survivors were to fall out of the sky and hit this ...
(PAT MCGROIN holds up the Taco Bell target. Again, "2001" theme music plays in the background. MCGROIN steps up to MIR.)

PAT MCGROIN (to MIR, disgusted):
Mir, you didn’t even come close. AND, when it looked like you were going to instead hit Hainan Island in China, you didn't even demolish the US spy plane like we asked!
(He snuffs out MIR’s torch.)
Needless to say, Mir ... the tribe has spoken!

(MIR hangs his head low and walks off stage. Suddenly DENNIS TITO barges onto the stage, totally interrupting the skit.)

DENNIS TITO (to the entire Surfin’ Chili Team):
Hi! I’m Dennis Tito, and I’ve made a fortune selling foot-and-mouth vaccines to European farmers. Now, I want the experience of being in a chili cookoff skit. I first approached Wrong Stuff Chili about being in theirs, but that crashed and burned, just like Mir! So, I now want to be in yours ... and I’m willing to pay you $20 million to let me!

(DENNIS TITO holds up a check for $20 million. The entire Surfin’ Chili Team is all abuzz. The team huddles up and, after a heated discussion, PAT MCGROIN steps up to TITO and takes the check. MCGROIN then positions TITO beside ISS.)

PAT MCGROIN:
Okay, Dennis ... you can be in our skit. But you’re just going to stand right here and not touch anything! Understood?

DENNIS TITO:
Oui! Oui! I am not afraid!!

(Sight Gag: As the skit continues, DENNIS TITO is seen in the background fiddling around with ISS C&C COMPUTER, which has three buttons on it: CNTL, ALT, and DELETE. Suddenly, ISS goes careening out of control across the stage. TITO, realizing what he has done, quietly inches his way off stage.)

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience):
And so … only two survivors remain: Chad and CAU. The final challenge they faced was to revitalize the Space Shuttle’s aging avionics.
(PAT MCGROIN steps up to CAU and snuffs out his torch.)

PAT MCGROIN (to CAU):
CAU ... the tribe has spoken.

CAU (vehemently):
WHAT!?!? Wait a minute! I won that challenge! How can you vote me off??? The work I’ve done on the cockpit avionics upgrade will bridge the technical gap that will bring the Space Shuttle out of the 70’s and into the 21st century! Besides, the crews think I’m really cool!! You can’t vote me off!!

PAT MCGROIN:
That hasn’t stopped Congress before!

(CAU storms off the stage, loudly protesting.)

PAT MCGROIN:
Hey, now … don’t be a mad cow!

(to CHAD) Well, Chad ... you’ve outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted them all! Congratulations!! And now, it’s with great pride that I bestow upon you the most coveted and prestigious prize ... !

CHAD (with great anticipation):
A Pontiac Aztec ... ?? A million dollars ... ??

PAT MCGROIN:
No, it's OSHA’s VPP Star Rating!!

(PAT MCGROIN hands CHAD the VPP Star certificate. "2001" theme music is once more heard in the background. CHAD looks at the certificate with utter disappointment.)

PAT MCGROIN:
Yes, Chad, you now embody OSHA’s high standards for a safe and healthy work environment. You are truly a model for the rest of us! Again, congratulations!!

(to the audience) And so friends, we’ve come to the end of 2001: A Survivor Anomaly! But let’s remember this: Survivor may make a great TV show, but it makes an awful chili! Let’s all go surfing instead!! Good night, folks!

(The entire Surfin’ Chili Team leads the crowd in a S-U-R-F-I-N rally chant.}

Monday, May 1, 2000

2000: Surfin' Chili 10th Anniversary

It was time to retire the old booth. The old one looked like it had been built by a bunch of drunks (which, of course, it was), with pieces thrown together over the years. But the wood was warping and it was always too damn hard to figure out which bolt went into which hole in which support. A new design was needed.

We decided on a "beach house" theme, with a new color scheme (peach and aqua), a raised floor with a porch, a balcony, and palm frond roof. The surfin' pepper was the only visible remnant of the old booth, though we cannibalized some of the wood for the new one.

As part of the 10th Anniversary celebration, we celebrate our past: it was still built by a bunch of drunks, but this time we were (mostly) sober when we designed it. The banner reads "Celebrating Surfin' Chili's 10th Year".

2000: SC2K

As part of the 10th Anniversary celebration, Surfin' Chili unveiled a brand new booth. It was still built by a bunch of drunks, but we were (mostly) sober when we designed it. The banner reads "Celebrating Surfin' Chili's 10th Year".

The new features for the booth: a second story (yet another first for Surfin' Chili at the JSC/FOD Chili Cookoff), Mardi Gras beads from the balcony, a new cook, a beach house theme -- but the same surfin' chili mascot. We held the official ribbon-cutting during the booth judging.

bead tossing

This year's skit, as usual, skewered the current events of the nation and NASA: the new class of Astronaut Candidates, Elian Gonzales, the recent failed Mars missions, the ABC/Time Warner fight, and "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire", all rolled into a skit called "Who Wants to Marry an Astronaut?".

trophies We racked up a second straight 1st Place ribbon for space trivia, along with a second place ribbon for Spoons, and a 3rd Place Trophy for Showmanship. Still shooting for the #1 trophy there, but considering there were about a hundred teams, still not too bad. Surfin' Chili keeps rolling when the others fall by the wayside.

2000 skit: Who Wants to Marry an Astronaut?

CAST:

ANNOUNCER (Rob) -- The voice from offstage.
PAT MCGROIN (Gabe) -- The host.
BUD LIGHTBEER (Tim) -- The groom. Bud is an ASCAN who just reported to JSC last summer.
ANITA MARGARITA (Sally) -- The first finalist. ANITA and her mother had defected to the U.S. from Cuba when she was a child. Sadly, her mother had drowned along the way, leaving ANITA to be raised by relatives in Miami.
POLLY NOMIAL (Steph) -- The second finalist. Polly is a mathematician who was recently commissioned by NASA to investigate the feasibility of converting English units into metric units.
THREE COMMANDOS (Chip, Jeff, Preston) -- They raid the show, seize ANITA MARGARITA, and take her away to be reunited with her father.
MISS CONCEPTION (Robin) -- The write-in contestant who actually wins the contest. She’s a pregnant, barefoot hag.
STAGE HANDS (Amy, Roje) -- People in the background who hold up the various sign.

ANNOUNCER (from offstage): The SURFIN’ CHILI NETWORK -- celebrating 10 years of sun, surf, and sensational chili -- proudly presents America’s hottest new game show -- Who Wants To Marry An Astronaut? -- where beautiful women from around the globe are given the chance to become the blushing bride of one of America’s astronauts!!

An APPLAUSE sign is held up.
And now ... here is your host ... PAT MCGROIN!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up. Enter PAT MCGROIN, who takes center stage.
PAT MCGROIN: Thank you! Thank you all! And welcome to Who Wants to Marry An Astronaut? After a week of intense competition, our distinguished panel of judges is ready to announce the two finalists! But before we name the two lucky ladies, let’s take a moment to meet the star of our show .... the handsome groom himself!! Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for Astronaut BUD LIGHTBEER!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up. Enter BUD LIGHTBEER, wearing his blue jump suit. He waves and smiles to the crowd as he steps up to PAT MCGROIN. The two shake hands.
PAT MCGROIN: You know, Bud ... if I were in your shoes, about to meet the woman I’m going to marry for the first time in front of a nationwide TV audience, I’d be a nervous wreck!! But you seem to be taking all of this in stride.

BUD LIGHTBEER: Oui, oui! I am not afraid! But let me say, Pat, that I’m very excited to be here. It’s not everyday that you meet a woman and then marry her the same day ... and, as you said, all on national TV!

PAT MCGROIN: Indeed! Now, Bud ... why don’t you tell us a little about yourself? I sure there are many people out there (not to mention our contestants backstage) who are dying to know something about you!

BUD LIGHTBEER: (As BUD LIGHTBEER speaks, thought balloons are held up over his head, revealing what he is really thinking.)

Well, Pat ... I started here at JSC last year. Needless to say, I’m really looking forward to the day when I get a chance to fly in outer space. [BALLOON: "Do I look hot, or what?"]

In the meantime, I’m learning everything there is to know about the International Space Station. [BALLOON: "Ha! Like it’ll ever be built!"]

But let me say above all ... I’m excited to be here, and I’m proud to be part of the program! [BALLOON: "Think they’re buying this stuff!?!"]

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience): Well, that’s pretty amazing, isn’t it folks? Let’s give Bud a hand!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up.
PAT MCGROIN (to BUD LIGHTBEER)): So, Bud ... what do you say we find you a wife?

BUD LIGHTBEER: Sounds great, Pat!

PAT MCGROIN: Okay then! Why don’t you head on backstage ....

PAT MCGROIN motions to BUD LIGHTBEER, who walks offstage. A stage hand gives PAT an envelope.
PAT MCGROIN (to audience, holding up the envelope): Now, ladies and gentlemen, inside this envelope are the names of our two finalists.

(opens envelope and reads card inside)
Our first finalist .... Miss ANITA MARGARITA!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up. Enter ANITA MARGARITA, carrying a bouquet of flowers. She smiles and waves to the audience as she takes her place next to PAT MCGROIN.
PAT MCGROIN (again reading from card): And our second finalist ... Miss POLLY NOMIAL!!

Again the APPLAUSE sign is held up. Enter POLLY NOMIAL, also carrying a bouquet of flowers. She also smiles and waves at the audience as she takes her place next to ANITA MARGARITA.
PAT MCGROIN (to the finalists): Congratulations, ladies! Now let’s give our audience a chance to get to know you two better ... starting with you, Miss Anita Margarita. Anita, I understand you had quite the experience when you were a little girl. Why don’t you tell us about it?

ANITA MARGARITA: I’d be happy to, Pat! When I was 10 years old, my mother and I escaped from Cuba to seek a better life here in the United States. Sadly, our boat sank and my mother drowned. I was rescued by a group of fishermen and then raised by my relatives who were already living in Miami at the time ...

Suddenly, the THREE COMMANDOS storm the stage.
COMMANDO #1 (barking to the other two COMMANDOS): Move! Move! Move!! Secure the perimeter!!

The other two commandos take position at either end of the stage, weapons at the ready.
COMMANDO #2: I’m clear!!

COMMANDO #3: Clear here!!

COMMANDO #1: (to ANITA MARGARITA, grabbing hold of her arm) Don’t be afraid, ma’am! We’re with the INS! We’re going to reunite you with your father now!
(to the other two commandos) Okay, I’ve got the kid! Let’s go!! Let’s go!!

ANITA MARGARITA is in total shock, and protests as she is hurried off-stage by COMMANDO #1. The other two commandos follow closely behind them.

Both PAT MCGROIN and POLLY NOMIAL are stunned. They look around, as though unsure what to do next. After a few tense moments ...
PAT MCGROIN (to the audience): Miss Anita Margarita, folks! Give her a big hand!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up.
PAT MCGROIN (to POLLY NOMIAL): Now let’s meet our second finalist, famed mathematician ... Miss Polly Nomial! Polly, I understand that NASA just recently placed you in charge of a very important project.

POLLY NOMIAL: That’s right, Pat! After that most unfortunate incident with the Mars Global Surveyor, NASA has commissioned my team to investigate the feasibility of converting English units into metric units!

PAT MCGROIN: Wow!! That sounds exciting!!

POLLY NOMIAL: Oh, it is truly a thrill! We’ve put in hundreds of hours into this already, and I’m pleased to say that we’re THIS close to proving that one mile is equivalent to about 1.62 kilometers!!

PAT MCGROIN: Well, I’m sure NASA will find that information very useful! The best of luck to you and your team! Ladies and gentlemen ... Miss Polly Nomial!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up. A stage hand gives PAT MCGROIN an envelope.
PAT MCGROIN: And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for! Who will MARRY AN ASTRONAUT and become Mrs. BUD LIGHTBEER?!? Before I announce the winner, let’s bring our groom back onstage. Bud, come on out here!

Enter BUD LIGHTBEER, who stands off to one side. He and POLLY NOMIAL exchange playful glances. Stage hands "drum-roll" the tables as PAT opens the envelope. Suddenly, a PLEASE STAND BY sign is held up and all action on stage comes to a halt.
ANNOUNCER (from offstage): Ladies and gentlemen, due to on-going negotiations between this station and the Time-Warner Cable Company, this program can no longer be seen over your cable lines ....

PAT MCGROIN (to the ANNOUNCER): What?!? But I was just about to announce the name of our winner!! How will the audience find out who will MARRY AN ASTRONAUT???

ANNOUNCER (from offstage): Fortunately for our viewing audience, this program can still be seen over the regular airwaves, using conventional aerial antennas ...

PAT MCGROIN (to the people offstage): QUICK!! Someone install some rabbit ears before the audience misses the big announcement!!

Stage hands quickly run up to the Skit Judges and place on their heads a set of rabbit ear antennas. The PLEASE STAND BY sign is removed.
PAT MCGROIN (to the audience): Welcome back, folks! As I was saying, the moment we’ve all been waiting for!

Stage hands resume the "drum-roll" as PAT MCGROIN quickly reads the card to himself.
PAT MCGROIN (shocked and amazed): Ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing!! The judges have unanimously chosen a write-in contestant! The new Mrs. Bud Lightbeer is ... MISS CONCEPTION!!

Enter MISS CONCEPTION, smiling and giggling. BUD LIGHTBEER is totally in shock and horror and tries to make a run for it. However, MISS CONCEPTION is on top of him before he can get away. MISS CONCEPTION smothers BUD with hugs and kisses. POLLY NOMIAL watches in disbelief and disgust.
PAT MCGROIN takes center stage, while CONCEPTION and BUD continue to struggle in the background.
PAT MCGROIN (to the audience): Well folks, that’s the end of our program. Just goes to show you that a girl’s dream of becoming an astronaut’s wife can still come true. From all of us hear at the Surfin’ Chili Network, thank you for watching! Good night!!

PAT waves. BUD and CONCEPTION continue to struggle. BUD vainly implores help from the audience.
ANNOUNCER (from offstage): Tonight’s presentation was proudly brought to you by ...

END with a S-U-R-F-I-N rally chant.

Saturday, May 1, 1999

1999: The Phantom Menace

Kicked butt again this year. Robin was back with her cherry bombs, and Jello Shot Twister ruled. We pulled off a 160-point margin of victory in Space Trivia semifinal round then cruised for the 1st place ribbon. First place in spoons. Third place in pyramid. Our skit: a takeoff of (what else), the hot current events, "Star Wars" and the Clinton/Lewinsky scandals, entitled: "Surfin' Chili: The Phantom Menace". But the judges refused to even place us in the top three of showmanship. I smell a conspiracy.

1999 skit: Surfin' Chili - The Phantom Menace

(Star Wars music playing in background)

Narrator: The following preview has been rated G for goofy.

Every generation has a legend. Every journey has a first step. Every saga has a beginning. Coming soon to a chili cookoff near you, "Phantom Dragonfly: Star Wars Episode 2A.4".

In a galaxy-sized budget far, far away...

Narrator: A strong uprising had occurred, which was very evil. After seeing the power of the dark blue dress (well, except for a few spots...), Emperor Clinton has turned away from the peaceful, cooperative international space program. Instead, he has thrown in his lot with the forces attempting to build the even more powerful space station -- the Death Mir. Successful launch of the Death Mir will drain the monetary life force from ISS, and cripple the hopes of thousands of US aerospace contractors, everywhere.

Scene 1

Emperor Clinton: Soon all the monetary funds will be ours. Darth Gore... how close are we to getting Senator Bunsenburner, Chairman of the Committee on Science, to the dark blue side?

Darth Gore: Emperor, with your threat of cancelling the Wisconsin subsidized cheese distribution program, he has fallen into our laps. [Both make evil laugh]. Even as we speak, Bunsenburner is trying to convince Princess Monica Layme to sign a treaty giving us all that we want. And, as of now, the new internet satellite "Triana", which allows users to see the earth at any given moment, is already draining the ISS funds at a tremendous rate.

Scene 2

Narrator: Movie critic, Pat McGroin, has given this movie three thumbs up. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll kiss eight bucks goodbye. Watch as the evil Senator tries to get his clutches on the woman with the stained dress...

Sen. Bunsenburner: Sign the treaty Princess Monica Layme...

Princess Layme: Senator, I will sign no treaty until it's time.

Sen Bunsenburner. Do it, Princess Layme, Do me!

Princess Layme: I'm sorry, but that's not one of my contract deliverables.

Scene 3

Narrator: Shep Spacewalker, a young Jedi of the ISS, follows the aged hero John Glenn Solo and his ship the Freedom 7 Falcon, where they seek the advice of Jedi master Yo-Gene Da-Kranz.

Shep: Yo-Gene Da-Kranz, we need to get Princess Monica Layme away from the Senator before he forces her to treat him...I mean...forces her to sign the treaty. If we fail, the budget will be diverted to build the Death Mir, the Congress will attempt to do the redesign themselves, and the engineers who labor on the slave moon of "End-our lives-please" will give up all hope. The horrible slavemaster VPP has already driven them unto the brink of despair. What must we do?

Yo-Gene: OooOhh An option, failure is not...!

Solo: Come on you old muppet, give us some real advice.

Yo-Gene: Oooh you must read my book that's coming out this year. It's not easy being green...

Shep: (Kicks Yoda into orbit). Let's go, Glenn-Solo, and get Princess Layme.

Solo: OK, but I need to make a stop on the world of Viagra, first.

Scene 4

Narrator: See the ragtag Freedom 7 Falcon race back D.C. to save Princess Layme. (cast member races around with shuttle model) Meanwhile, you'll discover there is a force greater than life itself. A force far greater than Dan Goldin or Hillary Clinton.

Princess: You're the last line of defense between good and evil in the galaxy, the last best hope for humanity. Help me Obi-Wan Georgeabbey, you're my only hope.

Senator: "Oui, Oui I'm not afraid"

Scene 5

Narrator: And the finale you've all heard about... the culmination of years of work, the incredible, explosive climax between Emperor Clinton and Princess Monica Layme...

Censor: No, wait, this is a family cookoff, you can't have people climaxing in public.

Narrator: See the Phantom Dragonfly, Star Wars Episode whatever is the number- you'll still pay the big bucks for a George Lucas sequel even if it means camping out in a ticket line for several months. This low budget but highly tasteful Surfin Chili is sure to please. Phantom Dragonfly, Star Wars Episode 2A.4 is not yet rated or you won't want to see it.

What we can show of the grand finale is this:
[insert Surfin Cheer]

cast (in order of appearance):

Narrator: Robin Bass

Emperor Clinton:

Darth Gore:

Senator Bunsenburner: Lee Coggins

Princess Monica Layme: Sally Jurgens

Shep Spacewalker:

John Glenn Solo: John McKenna

Yo-Gene Da-Kranz: Michael Grabois

Censor: Michael Grabois

Friday, May 1, 1998

1998: Well, ummm....

Sigh. Not every cookoff can be a winner. Oh sure, we had our Burma Shave signs (Hey John Glenn -- Think you're tough? -- Have a bowl -- The REAL Right Stuff! -- Surfin' Chili), and we had our Jello Shot Twister, and our tequila shots, and our cherry bombs... but we didn't have a skit, for the first time since 1991.

We had lame excuses like "I'm too busy". A script was planned; topical references would have included the last episode of "Seinfeld", Viagra, "Titanic", the Clinton/Lewinsky matter, and the new crew of the space station: John Glenn, Pat McGroin, and Kenny McCormack of "South Park". It also would have plagiarized old scripts of ours. In the end, though, it was just too little, too lame, so we went to the Big Dance skitless.

In the meantime, we managed to pick up a 3rd Place ribbon in both Grapefruit Pass and Pyramid Build and a 2nd Place Spoon Pass. Obviously, no Showmanship Award this year (or chili award, for that matter -- they opened up the competition and brand new teams won all the awards. A subsequent investigation turned up nothing...), but John had a comment of his own (see picture at left). Even Sally tried going undercover as a judge, but to no avail.

The booth was graced by the presence of JSC Center Director George Abbey (who once again declined our tequila shots, cherry bombs, and Jello shots) and Congressman Nick Lampson (D-Beaumont, TX) in whose disctrict JSC resides. Lampson, on the other hand, partook of both cherry bombs and Jello shots. He's a cool Congresscritter. Even General Jake Vermilyea, a top dog at USA management, chugged some cherry bomb juice.

You gotta love this place. Where else in the world can you have a German astronaut nicknamed Hoss wearing a cowboy hat and doing a Jello shot?

Next year, we'll do better. After all, it's the last chili cookoff of the millennium....

Thursday, May 1, 1997

1997: So Long, Farewell to Mir

We started off the morning with a missing burner. Despite that setback, chef David Rose guided our team to an incredible 21st place finish in the Judges' Chili competition. (Out of 22 teams.)

Situated directly across from the hated Chili Con Barney team and next to Chili AsCan Carne (the 1996 Astronaut Class), we managed to keep ourselves in the spotlight. We pulled off a 2nd place finish in the Grapefruit Pass and 1st place finish in the spoons, though our space trivia team left something to be desired. Placing just out of the money in beer chug, we were in the running for Pyramid Build (under 8 seconds in practice, with the New Fat Boyz What Don't Climb) until it inexplicably collapsed. Nonetheless, we were good enough for a second consecutive 2nd Place Showmanship Trophy.

We brought back an old favorite -- the water balloon launcher, which gave us a bit of trouble due to being deep in the trees, until we learned how to aim the balloon so that it dropped its water over the intended target. We nixed the pre-cookoff idea of putting pudding in the balloons. Jeers to the guy who got upset about getting wet and threw his beer on a Surfer. Unfortunately, Sally's cherry bombs were a bit weak. The tequila shots, as always, were a big hit (especially with some of the Ascans), although JSC Center Director George Abbey politely declined a shot.

And a new favorite was introduced -- Jello Shot Twister, in which the appropriately colored jello shot was consumed before the player moved their hand or foot. A good time was had by all.

This year's skit: a look behind the scenes at Jerry Linenger's "Letters to My Son", based on Jerry's real letters to his son about life aboard the Russian space station Mir. We ended with a rousing rendition by The Surfin' von Trapp Family Singers singing "So Long, Farewell to DT" (DT is the mail code for the Astronaut Training Division).

FOD Awards:

2nd Place trophy for Showmanship
1st Place ribbon for Spoon Pass
2nd Place ribbon for Grapefruit Pass

Once again, we lost the showmanship trophy !@*&!#^%*$ Barney team, for the second year in a row. (We think our "So Long, Farewell" skit may have hurt us, seeing as how one of the judges is a manager in the Training Division). Despite the fact that Surfin' Chili was ISO 9000 Certified, we could tell there was definitely a conspiracy against us this year, since our propaganda, skit, and activities kicked Barney's butt. We're gonna have to try harder next year...

Oh, and since Tim has left, it appears that Gabe may be the devil now.

See Surfin' Chili in action! Jesse Pollard of filemedia.com was at the cookoff filming the proceedings. There's a whole page devoted to the 1997 Johnson Space Center Annual FOD Chili Cook-Off; we were there under the "smartass comments" section. (Sadly, the 1997 chili cookoff site has since been removed - this is the Internet Archive Wayback Machine's 2001 archive, and all it has is the text, no video.)

1997 flyer: ISO 9000

Two flyers we passed out at the 1997 cookoff:

SURFIN’ CHILI:
CERTIFIABLE
(ISO 9000)

WHAT IS ISO-9000?

ISO 9000 is a series of standards and guidelines that define the minimum requirements for an effective quality system accepted internationally.

Surfin’ Chili is the only chili cookoff team that is
ISO-9000 certified!

KNOW THE QUALITY POLICY:

Surfin’ Chili is committed to providing a quality chili cookoff experience through rigorous application of our ISO 9000 certified beer chug, cherry bomb, booth, pyramid build, skit, tie-dying, and chili preparation processes.

Products and services required for the core functions of chili cookoffs:

Chili engineering and design * chili cook training * chili life sciences research * chili management * chili operations * space trivia * beer chug * cherry bomb * skit preparation * booth decoration * tie-dying party