2003: Preparing for the cookoff (part 4)

At the end of the day, we grab the booth, stacked neatly in my garage each year, load it in a couple pickup trucks, and haul it over to the Gilruth Center for setup. It's done in a couple of hours.

The "before" picture.


First, frame the base and put in the support structure.


Then put in the floor.


Add a couple of walls, which fit into pre-cut slots in the floor.


Next, install the balcony floor, which gives the walls support.


Put up the front of the booth and add the ladder in back.


Install railings in front and on the balcony.


The main part of the booth is complete!


Start putting up the thatched roof support beams.


Behind the booth, our tent is set up.


Add thatched roof, using discarded palm fronds.


Install Jello Shot Dispenser, surfboards, bikinis, and trophies
(done on the day of the cookoff).


Last but not least, install team!.

Once we're done with the booth, it's over to the Cut-Up Party, where we distribute the shirts that we made last week, polish off the skit and assign parts, cut up the meat and veggies, and make the jello shots.

2003: Too Far From Reality

Another year, another Showmanship trophy. Our 6th second place finish this time, our ninth trophy in 14 competitions. A fall to second place in Space Trivia - after four straight first place finishes - probably hurt.

Our skit this year - "Too Far From Reality" - featured our usual cast of characters: Christiane Armand-Bayou, Pat McGroin, and the Chili News Network. The big story, of course, was the ongoing war in Iraq, which by this time had seen US forces enter Baghdad. The prime target for skewering was the Iraqi Information Minister who insisted (among other things) that "Everything is OK". Geraldo Rivera, Elvis, the Public Affairs Office, the new security barricades at JSC, and the recent email server problems all made appearances of sorts.



Tom and Steph updated the Jello-shot Delivery System to JDS 1.1. It was very helpful in our annual Jello Shot Twister game





Spoons - a disappointing non-top-3 finish.


At least the tattoos were a hit, though.


Bombing run!
T - E - A - M, Teeeeeeeeeam drink! (Tim's the devil)





They didn't like our chili this year either. What a surprise.


On the occasion of the 25th Anniversary of the JSC Chili Cookoff, the organizers created a plaque to honor "Grand Poo-Bah" George Abbey, the who has been involved with the cookoff since the beginning. When they asked around for photos of Abbey, I remembered that as Center Director at the time, he had a photo op at our booth in 1998 with Rep. Nick Lampson (D-Beaumont, TX). The original photo has gotten misplaced somewhere, but a scan is on the Surfin' Chili web page.

George Abbey with the plaque


The original print from 1998


A closeup of the image from the plaque


Surfin' Chili 2003

2003 skit: Too Far From Reality

© Surfin’ Chili 2003

---

ANNOUNCER
This is CNN, the Chili News Network. Live from our studios in Houston, Texas, here is Christiane Armand-Bayou.

CHRISTIANE (seated behind a news desk)
Good afternoon. Here are the latest developments in Operation: Chili Freedom. For 25 years, a corrupt regime has terrorized the JSC Chili Cookoff. Why else hasn’t Surfin’ Chili won the best chili trophy in over a decade?!? Well, that regime is rapidly coming to an end. We take you now to CNN correspondent Elvis Rivera, somewhere in Clear Lake. Elvis, can you tell us your status?

ELVIS (standing before a dry erase board)
Yes, Christiane. As you said, I’m embedded with the 3rd Surfing Division in Clear Lake. Let me draw you a map to give you a better idea of where we are.

(Starts drawing on dry erase board. There’s already a map of Clear Lake on it in one color, and he begins drawing on it in another color.)

We started out early this morning from Ellington Air Field and have been making our way slowly down Highway 3 towards the Johnson Space Center ...

(As Elvis draws his map, the 3 M.P.’s walk on stage. They see what Elvis is doing. Two M.P.’s quickly grab Elvis on either side and haul him off stage. Elvis loudly protests the entire way. The third M.P. frantically erases Elvis’ map and carries the dry erase board off stage.)

CHRISTIANE

(Watches Elvis being carried away with disbelief. Appears confused for moment, then quickly composes herself.)

We’re sorry. We seem to be experiencing some technical difficulties. And Elvis has left the building!

Earlier today, the 69th Surfing Division took control of Ellington Air Field with little resistance from the Aircraft Operations cookoff team. Witnesses say they dropped their bowls and spoons, took off their team uniforms, and blended in with the population. We have a recording of what the Public Affairs Officer, Edith McRotch, had to say about these events. We would have brought this to you live, but our email server was down.

(Stage hand holds up a sign that says “Recorded Earlier”.)

EDITH

(Edith is wearing a long skirt. There’s a big hole cut out in the back which exposes these huge fake butt cheeks. She’s facing the audience directly, so they don’t see this yet.)

We have driven them back. Today we slaughtered them in the airport. They are out of Ellington Airport. The force that was in the airport ... this force was destroyed. The Surfin’ Chili ... they are wild donkeys.

(Edith turns completely around, showing those huge butt cheeks to the audience. She storms off stage.)

(Stage hand holds up a sign that says “Live”.)

CHRISTIANE
Obviously, Edith McRotch is really hanging her butt out on a limb trying to hide the grim reality of their situation.

In other developments, elements from Surfin’ Chili have broken through the gates at JSC and are parading around the JSC campus in a show of strength. Chili cookoff participants, celebrating their liberation from the evil regime, have taken to the streets in jubilant song and dance.

(Group parades across stage with the Surfin’ Chili Dude. Some are singing a Surfin’ Chili Song. Others are dancing.)

CHRISTIANE (receives a piece of paper from a stage hand)
Wait ... this just in. CNN correspondent Pat McGroin is with the Chili Information Minister, live in an exclusive interview! We take you there now. Pat ... ?

PAT
Mr. Minister, what’s your reaction to today’s events?

(As Chili Information Minister is ranting, group is in the background waving frantically in the background.)

CHILI INFORMATION MINISTER
The JSC Chili Cookoff leadership will not be defeated. We have already achieved victory, apart from some technicalities. There are NO Surfin’ Chili infidels on the grounds of JSC. Never! I blame Al-Jazeera! They are marketing for these Surfin’ Chili donkeys.

PAT
Al-Jazeera is reporting that Surfin’ Chili is driving their vehicles through the new security barricades. Apparently, this is less damaging than to drive over the retractable gates. Can you confirm this?

CHILI INFORMATION MINISTER
Do not repeat the lies of liars.

(Backup Singers come from behind the Chili Information Minister and sing a chorus from “Lies” by the Thompson Twins – “Lies, Lies, Lies, Yea-ah”.)

Do not become like them. They're not even within 100 miles of the Gilruth Center. They are not in any place. They hold no place in NASA. I triple guarantee you, there are no Surfin Chili members at JSC.

PAT
How have you confronted Surfin’ Chili?

CHILI INFORMATION MINISTER
We made them eat Buzzard’s Breath Chili last night and this gave Surfin’ Chili a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly.

PAT
Are you afraid that Surfin’ Chili might win this year?

CHILI INFORMATION MINISTER
Oui, oui! I am not afraid and neither should you be! The Surfin’ Chili propaganda is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies!

(Backup Singers come from behind the Chili Information Minister and sing another chorus from “Lies” by the Thompson Twins.)

I now inform you that you are too far from reality. Surfin’ Chili is not worth an old shoe.

PAT
But can’t you see the Surfin’ Chili booth right over there? (points to it)

CHILI INFORMATION MINISTER
They are not at the Gilruth Center. They are not in control of any airport. I tell you this. It is all a lie. They lie. It is a Hollywood movie. You do not believe them. Have you not seen the movie “Wag the Dog”? I have said enough! This interview is over!

(The Chili Information Minister storms off stage. Pat remains behind.)

CHRISTIANE
Pat, is the JSC Chili Information Minister totally insane?!? Anyone can see that Surfin’ Chili remains a huge threat this year. With the Mother of All Cherry Bombs and the GPS-guided Jello shot launchers, it’s clear this conflict will be over soon.

PAT
That’s right, Christiane. I think my colleagues with the 3rd Surfing Division put it best – Surfin Chili is the team to beat this year.

3RD SURFING DIVISION
T – E – A – M Teeeeeeeeeam Drink! (Tim’s the Devil)

- - The End - -

---

Cast, in order of appearance:
Announcer**
Christiane Armand-Bayou** -- Stephanie Walker
Elvis Rivera** --
M.P.’s (3) --
Edith McRotch** -- Sally Jurgens
Pat McGroin** -- Roje Yap
Chili Information Minister** -- Michael Grabois
Backup Singers --
** speaking part

2002: Lucky 13

For the first time since 1992, a first place trophy for Showmanship! That's our eighth Showmanship trophy in 12 years. A first place ribbon for Grapefruit, our seventh overall and our first since 1990, the original Surfin Chili team (Tim's the Devil!). An unprecedented fourth straight first place ribbon for Space Trivia - and no team in the 24 year history of the JSC FOD Chili Cookoff had even won three in a row. We rocked.

Taking home the Trivia prize


Steph, Dave, and Dan - "Da roof! Da roof! Da roof is on fire!"





A little for the chili, a little for the cooks...



Always the innovators - we pioneered "Burma Shave" signs, Jell-O shots (and Jell-o shot Twister), Mardi Gras beads, booth balconies, and temporary tattoos to the cookoff - this year we added Tom's Jello-shot Delivery System (JDS). Leave it to an engineer to take some PVC pipe, some copper tubing, a cooler full of ice water, and a pump, and put together a refrigerated Jello shot dispenser.



Our skit this year skewered our usual range of targets: Jefferson Howell and the ISS Program Office, a takeoff of "Willy Wonka". We took on the post-9/11 security checks, the new JSC Center Director, Enron, Britney Spears, Osama bin Laden, ISS funding problems, and new NASA Director Sean O'Keefe. We must have done something right, we won the Showmanship trophy, right?






Amid the usual cherry bombs and Jell-O shot Twister, Surfin' Chili surfed to another successful year. Team captains Lisa, Sally, and Stephanie shared the trophy with Surfin Chili Dude. We're ready to defend our title in 2003...

2002 skit: Jefferson Howell and the ISS Program Office

SCENE 1: OUTSIDE NASA’S ISS PROGRAM OFFICE

CNN intro music. PAT McGROIN is standing in front of a security checkpoint.

Sight Gag: During PAT's report, a heavily armed commando is stopped by a security guard. The guard asked the commando to remove his shoes for inspection. The commando complies under protest. The guard inspects the shoes, then lets the commando pass.


PAT MCGROIN:

This is a special report of the Chili News Network, coming to you live from the Johnson Space Center in Houston. The elusive and mysterious center director, Jefferson Davis Howell, has taken a cue from Willy Wonka and agreed to open the doors to the Program Office of his International Space Station ... but only to the ones who found ... THESE ... (PAT holds up the tickets: they have a picture of Dan Goldin on them) the three Goldin tickets that were hidden worldwide. Three incredibly lucky people found those Goldin tickets. They are:

• Former Enron CEO Ken Lay
  
• Pop star Britney Spears
  
• Terrorist Osama Bin Ladin
  

Just moments ago, these three people passed into the very nerve center of America’s foothold in space, joined by NASA director Sean O'Keefe and his staff. What incredible wonders will they see in Jefferson Davis Howell’s Space Station Program Office?

Coming up: CNN correspondent Christiane Armand Bayou, with reactions to yesterday’s announcement by the Houston Astros that what was once known as Enron Field will now be known as the League City Little League Field. Reporting from the Johnson Space Center in Houston, this is Pat McGroin.

CNN intro music

---

SCENE 2: ISS PROGRAM OFFICE -- FINANCE DEPT.

The group stops in front of a sign that reads “FINANCE DEPT.” The group consists of Howell, Lay, Spears, bin Ladin, O'Keefe, and several people without name tags (the Oompa Loompas). During the rest of the skit, bin Ladin is throwing "poppers" that pop when they hit the ground. He holds his hands over his ears in an exaggerated pose and seems frustrated when the entire set doesn't blow up.

JEFFERSON DAVIS HOWELL:

And here, my dear friends, we have our Finance Department. It’s from here that we pool all our resources in securing the funds necessary to build and operate the International Space Station. For instance, here's our budget spreadsheet. Unfortunately we're spending more than we expected and so our third quarter numbers will be off just a bit.

KEN LAY:

I've been there, Jeff, I know what to do in that situation. (Calls to offstage) Hey Arthur! Arthur Anderson, come here please!

ARTHUR ANDERSON takes the papers from Lay and begins shredding the report.

JEFFERSON DAVIS HOWELL:

Hold on a minute! You can’t do that!! Do you realize what you’re doing?!?!?

ARTHUR ANDERSON:

Oui,Oui! I am not afraid!! Relax, Jeff! No one will ever know what happened! It’ll be as if this report never existed!

SEAN O'KEEFE (to the Oompa Loompas):

We don't allow that stuff here at NASA. OK, guys, take them away.

The OOMPA LOOMPAs take Anderson and Lay offstage. They come back and start singing the Oompa Loompa Song #1.

OOMPA LOOMPAS:

Oompa Loompa, doompadee doo
I have a perfect puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, doompadee dee
If you are wise you will listen to me.

Oompa Loompa, doompadee dah
If you don't shred documents, you will go far.
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do.

The OOMPA LOOMPAS walk off stage.

---

SCENE 3: ISS PROGRAM OFFICE – PUBLIC AFFAIRS OFFICE.

The group stops in front of a desk with a sign on it that reads “PAO.” Britney walks in shaking her hair, sashaying her hips, etc.

JEFFERSON DAVIS HOWELL:

Now this is the Public Affairs Office, or PAO. It's not where we make people's affairs public, but it's where we ensure that the image of NASA is portrayed to the public in a clean, wholesome atmosphere. In other words, this is where all the spin control takes place.

BRITNEY SPEARS:

Like, I totally agree, Jeff. Hey, your name is Howell, are you related to those Gilligan's Island millionaires? I have more money than them, and I can totally see how they'd bring so much of it with them on a three hour tour. What if they stopped and like wanted to buy an island or something? I thought that was pretty cool.

So, like, can I be your spokeswoman? I'm totally IN SYNCH with what you're trying to do and how you present yourself to the world. Hey, do you mind if I smoke?

Britney starts rummaging through her purse – pulls out booze, condoms, a big fat doobie, etc. Finally she finds her cigarettes.

JEFFERSON DAVIS HOWELL:

I'm sorry, Miss Spears, I'm afraid you wouldn't project the right image for NASA. You're sex, drugs, and rock & roll, we're a bunch of engineers. You can't do any of that on site, except at the chili cookoff. I'm afraid you'll have to go.

Britney is escorted offstage by the Oompa Loompas.

OOMPA LOOMPAS:

Oompa Loompa, doompadee doo
I have another puzzle for you.
Oompa Loompa, doompadee dee
If you are wise you will listen to me.

Oompa Loompa, doompadee day
Sex, drugs, and music – just not our way.
But do that off-site, you will be cool
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do.

The OOMPA LOOMPAS walk off stage.

---

SCENE 4: ISS PROGRAM OFFICE – SECURITY DEPT.

JEFFERSON DAVIS HOWELL leads what's left of the group back on to the stage to a sign reading “SECURITY”.

JEFFERSON DAVIS HOWELL:

And we come to our Security Department. Here, we take into account the safety and well-being of employees here at JSC, even the contractors...

Meanwhile, someone hands SEAN O’KEEFE a page which he reads. He shakes his head and moves towards center stage.

SEAN O’KEEFE:

Excuse me, folks. I’m so sorry to interrupt ... !

The entire cast is obviously surprised by SEAN’s sudden appearance. The stage hands come on stage, looking just as confused. SEAN is not part of the skit here.

JEFFERSON DAVIS HOWELL:

What are you doing here? Can’t you see we’re in the middle of a skit?

SEAN O’KEEFE:

I’m sorry folks, but I’m going to have to cancel this project immediately.

The entire cast goes into an uproar. Various people loudly protest.

JEFFERSON DAVIS HOWELL:

WHAT?!?! You can’t be serious!

SEAN O’KEEFE:

I’m afraid so. NASA is well over-budget and, per a directive from the White House, I’m reviewing all of our projects. You see, NASA is on a mission...

He keeps talking but silently. A stagehand holds up a sign that says "2 Hours Later...". O'Keefe finishes his speech with normal voice.

...The investments we make today must be justified by their contributions to the long-range goals of the agency.

Thank you for being a part of America’s space program. I’ll expect your work stop strategy on my desk Monday morning.

SEAN exits the stage. The entire cast is totally upset and grumble amongst themselves. JEFFERSON is totally outraged.

JEFFERSON DAVIS HOWELL:

Well ... there’s only one thing we can do now. And that’s have ourselves a heaping bowl of SURFIN’ CHILI!!

The entire cast lets out a big cheer, and then leads the audience in a S-U-R-F-I-N chant.

---

Cast:
Pat McGroin - Gabe
Ken Lay
Arthur Anderson - Lee
Britney Spears - Lisa
Osama bin Ladin
Jefferson Davis Howell
Sean O'Keefe
Oompa Loompas - Sally, Steph

2001: A Surfin' Odyssey

Second place trophy for Showmanship, our seventh in 11 years. Third place ribbon for Grapefruit, our sixth. A three-peat first place ribbon for Space Trivia, the first time in the 23 year history of the JSC FOD Chili Cookoff. Surfin' Chili kicked some serious butt.

Taking a cue from the STS-98 crew, we thought Safety. You got a problem with that?






The secret ingredient in the chili


The secret ingredient in the cooks


Never content to rest on our laurels - we pioneered "Burma Shave" signs, Jell-O shots, Mardi Gras beads, and booth balconies to the cookoff - this year we added temporary tattoos.

Tim said he was putting a tattoo on her....



Our skit this year skewered our usual range of targets: 2001: A Survivor Anomaly took on Al Gore and the 2000 Presidential Election, George Abbey, the destruction of Mir, the Hainan China airplane incident, Dennis Tito, the ISS computer fiasco, and Survivor. It was not a pretty sight.



Between Robin's cherry bombs and Sally's Jell-O shots, Surfin' Chili surfed to another successful year despite not winning any chili awards for an incredible 12th straight year. We rule!

2001 skit: 2001 - A Survivor Anomaly

© 2001 Surfin' Chili

---

CAST:
PAT MCGROIN (Gabe) – The host.
CHAD (Lee) -- The winner of the prize. He’s bare-foot and pregnant, but no one in the cast should acknowledge this fact. A pregnant Chad is purely a sight joke.
C.A.U. or Cockpit Avionics Upgrade (Sally) – The runner-up. He actually wins his challenge of revitalizing the aging Shuttle avionics. But despite that and the fact that the crew thinks he’s cool, he’s booted.
AL GORE (Schikner) -- The 1st booted contestant, because he was unable to successfully launch the Triana satellite. (Actually, it was a tie between him and MIR, until CHAD cast the deciding vote.)
GEORGE ABBEY (LeRoy) -- The 2nd booted contestant, because he couldn’t build an International Space Station on time and under budget.
* MIR (Steph) - The 3rd booted contestant, because she couldn’t hit the Taco Bell target.
DENNIS TITO (Mike) -- A millionaire who buys his way into the skit. He’s promptly told to stand next to ISS C&C COMPUTER but not to move or touch anything.
* DENNIS TITO’S ENTOURAGE -- A group of people who follow TITO around.
* ISS (Robin) -- TITO fiddles around this character in the background and sends ISS spinning out of control.

* non-speaking part

---

(The survivors solemnly walk onto the stage. The theme music comes on, with the three opening notes from "2001: A Space Odyssey" and then the opening theme from "Survivor". AL GORE is carrying a suitcase marked with the words "Wash D.C. or Bust". The survivors line up facing the audience, each holding a tiki torch. PAT MCGROIN then enters and stands in front of the survivors.)

PAT MCGROIN (addressing the audience):
Good evening, and welcome to the final installment of 2001: A Survivor Anomaly. I’m Pat McGroin, your host. Over these past few days, our survivors have gone through immense challenges and have endured unbearable ordeals. But tonight, the Tribal Council will decide the fate of the five people behind me. Who will survive ... and who gets voted off JSC Island?!?
After each of our challenges, the Tribal Council votes on who is cast off the island, based on how well each of them faced that challenge. Their first challenge was this ...
(PAT MCGROIN holds up a globe. "2001" theme music is heard in the background.)

PAT MCGROIN:
Each survivor was tasked to launch "Triana", a geosynchronous satellite that could take pictures of the Earth. People could then display those pictures on their computer desktops. In an unprecedented turn of events, the Tribal Council’s vote came out with a tie between Al and Mir ...

AL GORE (interrupts, addressing the audience more than PAT MCGROIN ):
Now, Pat ... I’ve argued, and I will continue to argue, for a fair and accurate and complete count before any decision is made. Let me stress the need to protect the integrity of the process … a process which I invented, by the way, just like I invented the Space Program! What is at issue here is nothing less than every American's simple, sacred right to vote ...

PAT MCGROIN (picks up where he was interrupted):
... the vote was a tie, that is, until we realized that we had undercounted Chad’s vote.

(to CHAD) Chad, what say you?
(CHAD produces his ballot and unfolds it. It reads "AL". AL GORE is shocked. PAT MCGROIN steps up to AL GORE and snuffs out his torch.)

PAT MCGROIN (to AL GORE):
Al ... the tribe has spoken.

(AL GORE, still in shock, walks off stage. He leaves behind his suitcase.)

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience):
The second challenge the survivors faced was to build an international space station, on time and under budget ... truly a daunting task, which none of them successfully completed. But the alliances that were made among the survivors took their toll here.
(PAT MCGROIN steps up to GEORGE ABBEY and snuffs out his torch.)

PAT MCGROIN (to GEORGE ABBEY):
George ... the tribe has spoken.

(PAT MCGROIN hands GEORGE ABBEY two items: a book and AL GORE’s suitcase.)

PAT MCGROIN (to GEORGE ABBEY):
Here, George ... you’ll need these.

(GEORGE ABBEY looks confused as he takes the items. He blankly looks at the book as he slowly walks off the stage.)

GEORGE ABBEY (reading the book’s cover):
"Facilitating Cooperation Between International Partners ... For Dummies"

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience):
Next, the survivors were to fall out of the sky and hit this ...
(PAT MCGROIN holds up the Taco Bell target. Again, "2001" theme music plays in the background. MCGROIN steps up to MIR.)

PAT MCGROIN (to MIR, disgusted):
Mir, you didn’t even come close. AND, when it looked like you were going to instead hit Hainan Island in China, you didn't even demolish the US spy plane like we asked!
(He snuffs out MIR’s torch.)
Needless to say, Mir ... the tribe has spoken!

(MIR hangs his head low and walks off stage. Suddenly DENNIS TITO barges onto the stage, totally interrupting the skit.)

DENNIS TITO (to the entire Surfin’ Chili Team):
Hi! I’m Dennis Tito, and I’ve made a fortune selling foot-and-mouth vaccines to European farmers. Now, I want the experience of being in a chili cookoff skit. I first approached Wrong Stuff Chili about being in theirs, but that crashed and burned, just like Mir! So, I now want to be in yours ... and I’m willing to pay you $20 million to let me!

(DENNIS TITO holds up a check for $20 million. The entire Surfin’ Chili Team is all abuzz. The team huddles up and, after a heated discussion, PAT MCGROIN steps up to TITO and takes the check. MCGROIN then positions TITO beside ISS.)

PAT MCGROIN:
Okay, Dennis ... you can be in our skit. But you’re just going to stand right here and not touch anything! Understood?

DENNIS TITO:
Oui! Oui! I am not afraid!!

(Sight Gag: As the skit continues, DENNIS TITO is seen in the background fiddling around with ISS C&C COMPUTER, which has three buttons on it: CNTL, ALT, and DELETE. Suddenly, ISS goes careening out of control across the stage. TITO, realizing what he has done, quietly inches his way off stage.)

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience):
And so … only two survivors remain: Chad and CAU. The final challenge they faced was to revitalize the Space Shuttle’s aging avionics.
(PAT MCGROIN steps up to CAU and snuffs out his torch.)

PAT MCGROIN (to CAU):
CAU ... the tribe has spoken.

CAU (vehemently):
WHAT!?!? Wait a minute! I won that challenge! How can you vote me off??? The work I’ve done on the cockpit avionics upgrade will bridge the technical gap that will bring the Space Shuttle out of the 70’s and into the 21st century! Besides, the crews think I’m really cool!! You can’t vote me off!!

PAT MCGROIN:
That hasn’t stopped Congress before!

(CAU storms off the stage, loudly protesting.)

PAT MCGROIN:
Hey, now … don’t be a mad cow!

(to CHAD) Well, Chad ... you’ve outwitted, outplayed, and outlasted them all! Congratulations!! And now, it’s with great pride that I bestow upon you the most coveted and prestigious prize ... !

CHAD (with great anticipation):
A Pontiac Aztec ... ?? A million dollars ... ??

PAT MCGROIN:
No, it's OSHA’s VPP Star Rating!!

(PAT MCGROIN hands CHAD the VPP Star certificate. "2001" theme music is once more heard in the background. CHAD looks at the certificate with utter disappointment.)

PAT MCGROIN:
Yes, Chad, you now embody OSHA’s high standards for a safe and healthy work environment. You are truly a model for the rest of us! Again, congratulations!!

(to the audience) And so friends, we’ve come to the end of 2001: A Survivor Anomaly! But let’s remember this: Survivor may make a great TV show, but it makes an awful chili! Let’s all go surfing instead!! Good night, folks!


(The entire Surfin’ Chili Team leads the crowd in a S-U-R-F-I-N rally chant.}

2000: Surfin' Chili 10th Anniversary

It was time to retire the old booth. The old one looked like it had been built by a bunch of drunks (which, of course, it was), with pieces thrown together over the years. But the wood was warping and it was always too damn hard to figure out which bolt went into which hole in which support. A new design was needed.

We decided on a "beach house" theme, with a new color scheme (peach and aqua), a raised floor with a porch, a balcony, and palm frond roof. The surfin' pepper was the only visible remnant of the old booth, though we cannibalized some of the wood for the new one.

As part of the 10th Anniversary celebration, we celebrate our past: it was still built by a bunch of drunks, but this time we were (mostly) sober when we designed it. The banner reads "Celebrating Surfin' Chili's 10th Year".

2000: SC2K

As part of the 10th Anniversary celebration, Surfin' Chili unveiled a brand new booth. It was still built by a bunch of drunks, but we were (mostly) sober when we designed it. The banner reads "Celebrating Surfin' Chili's 10th Year".

The new features for the booth: a second story (yet another first for Surfin' Chili at the JSC/FOD Chili Cookoff), Mardi Gras beads from the balcony, a new cook, a beach house theme -- but the same surfin' chili mascot. We held the official ribbon-cutting during the booth judging.

This year's skit, as usual, skewered the current events of the nation and NASA: the new class of Astronaut Candidates, Elian Gonzales, the recent failed Mars missions, the ABC/Time Warner fight, and "Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire", all rolled into a skit called "Who Wants to Marry an Astronaut?".

We racked up a second straight 1st Place ribbon for space trivia, along with a second place ribbon for Spoons, and a 3rd Place Trophy for Showmanship. Still shooting for the #1 trophy there, but considering there were about a hundred teams, still not too bad. Surfin' Chili keeps rolling when the others fall by the wayside.

2000 skit: Who Wants to Marry an Astronaut?

© 2000 Surfin' Chili

---

CAST:

ANNOUNCER (Rob) -- The voice from offstage.
PAT MCGROIN (Gabe) -- The host.
BUD LIGHTBEER (Tim) -- The groom. Bud is an ASCAN who just reported to JSC last summer.
ANITA MARGARITA (Sally) -- The first finalist. ANITA and her mother had defected to the U.S. from Cuba when she was a child. Sadly, her mother had drowned along the way, leaving ANITA to be raised by relatives in Miami.
POLLY NOMIAL (Steph) -- The second finalist. Polly is a mathematician who was recently commissioned by NASA to investigate the feasibility of converting English units into metric units.
THREE COMMANDOS (Chip, Jeff, Preston) -- They raid the show, seize ANITA MARGARITA, and take her away to be reunited with her father.
MISS CONCEPTION (Robin) -- The write-in contestant who actually wins the contest. She’s a pregnant, barefoot hag.
STAGE HANDS (Amy, Roje) -- People in the background who hold up the various sign.

---

ANNOUNCER (from offstage): The SURFIN’ CHILI NETWORK -- celebrating 10 years of sun, surf, and sensational chili -- proudly presents America’s hottest new game show -- Who Wants To Marry An Astronaut? -- where beautiful women from around the globe are given the chance to become the blushing bride of one of America’s astronauts!!

An APPLAUSE sign is held up.
And now ... here is your host ... PAT MCGROIN!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up. Enter PAT MCGROIN, who takes center stage.
PAT MCGROIN: Thank you! Thank you all! And welcome to Who Wants to Marry An Astronaut? After a week of intense competition, our distinguished panel of judges is ready to announce the two finalists! But before we name the two lucky ladies, let’s take a moment to meet the star of our show .... the handsome groom himself!! Ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for Astronaut BUD LIGHTBEER!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up. Enter BUD LIGHTBEER, wearing his blue jump suit. He waves and smiles to the crowd as he steps up to PAT MCGROIN. The two shake hands.
PAT MCGROIN: You know, Bud ... if I were in your shoes, about to meet the woman I’m going to marry for the first time in front of a nationwide TV audience, I’d be a nervous wreck!! But you seem to be taking all of this in stride.

BUD LIGHTBEER: Oui, oui! I am not afraid! But let me say, Pat, that I’m very excited to be here. It’s not everyday that you meet a woman and then marry her the same day ... and, as you said, all on national TV!

PAT MCGROIN: Indeed! Now, Bud ... why don’t you tell us a little about yourself? I sure there are many people out there (not to mention our contestants backstage) who are dying to know something about you!

BUD LIGHTBEER: (As BUD LIGHTBEER speaks, thought balloons are held up over his head, revealing what he is really thinking.)

Well, Pat ... I started here at JSC last year. Needless to say, I’m really looking forward to the day when I get a chance to fly in outer space. [BALLOON: "Do I look hot, or what?"]

In the meantime, I’m learning everything there is to know about the International Space Station. [BALLOON: "Ha! Like it’ll ever be built!"]

But let me say above all ... I’m excited to be here, and I’m proud to be part of the program! [BALLOON: "Think they’re buying this stuff!?!"]

PAT MCGROIN (to the audience): Well, that’s pretty amazing, isn’t it folks? Let’s give Bud a hand!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up.
PAT MCGROIN (to BUD LIGHTBEER)): So, Bud ... what do you say we find you a wife?

BUD LIGHTBEER: Sounds great, Pat!

PAT MCGROIN: Okay then! Why don’t you head on backstage ....

PAT MCGROIN motions to BUD LIGHTBEER, who walks offstage. A stage hand gives PAT an envelope.
PAT MCGROIN (to audience, holding up the envelope): Now, ladies and gentlemen, inside this envelope are the names of our two finalists.

(opens envelope and reads card inside)
Our first finalist .... Miss ANITA MARGARITA!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up. Enter ANITA MARGARITA, carrying a bouquet of flowers. She smiles and waves to the audience as she takes her place next to PAT MCGROIN.
PAT MCGROIN (again reading from card): And our second finalist ... Miss POLLY NOMIAL!!

Again the APPLAUSE sign is held up. Enter POLLY NOMIAL, also carrying a bouquet of flowers. She also smiles and waves at the audience as she takes her place next to ANITA MARGARITA.
PAT MCGROIN (to the finalists): Congratulations, ladies! Now let’s give our audience a chance to get to know you two better ... starting with you, Miss Anita Margarita. Anita, I understand you had quite the experience when you were a little girl. Why don’t you tell us about it?

ANITA MARGARITA: I’d be happy to, Pat! When I was 10 years old, my mother and I escaped from Cuba to seek a better life here in the United States. Sadly, our boat sank and my mother drowned. I was rescued by a group of fishermen and then raised by my relatives who were already living in Miami at the time ...

Suddenly, the THREE COMMANDOS storm the stage.
COMMANDO #1 (barking to the other two COMMANDOS): Move! Move! Move!! Secure the perimeter!!

The other two commandos take position at either end of the stage, weapons at the ready.
COMMANDO #2: I’m clear!!

COMMANDO #3: Clear here!!

COMMANDO #1: (to ANITA MARGARITA, grabbing hold of her arm) Don’t be afraid, ma’am! We’re with the INS! We’re going to reunite you with your father now!
(to the other two commandos) Okay, I’ve got the kid! Let’s go!! Let’s go!!

ANITA MARGARITA is in total shock, and protests as she is hurried off-stage by COMMANDO #1. The other two commandos follow closely behind them.

Both PAT MCGROIN and POLLY NOMIAL are stunned. They look around, as though unsure what to do next. After a few tense moments ...
PAT MCGROIN (to the audience): Miss Anita Margarita, folks! Give her a big hand!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up.
PAT MCGROIN (to POLLY NOMIAL): Now let’s meet our second finalist, famed mathematician ... Miss Polly Nomial! Polly, I understand that NASA just recently placed you in charge of a very important project.

POLLY NOMIAL: That’s right, Pat! After that most unfortunate incident with the Mars Global Surveyor, NASA has commissioned my team to investigate the feasibility of converting English units into metric units!

PAT MCGROIN: Wow!! That sounds exciting!!

POLLY NOMIAL: Oh, it is truly a thrill! We’ve put in hundreds of hours into this already, and I’m pleased to say that we’re THIS close to proving that one mile is equivalent to about 1.62 kilometers!!

PAT MCGROIN: Well, I’m sure NASA will find that information very useful! The best of luck to you and your team! Ladies and gentlemen ... Miss Polly Nomial!!

The APPLAUSE sign is held up. A stage hand gives PAT MCGROIN an envelope.
PAT MCGROIN: And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for! Who will MARRY AN ASTRONAUT and become Mrs. BUD LIGHTBEER?!? Before I announce the winner, let’s bring our groom back onstage. Bud, come on out here!

Enter BUD LIGHTBEER, who stands off to one side. He and POLLY NOMIAL exchange playful glances. Stage hands "drum-roll" the tables as PAT opens the envelope. Suddenly, a PLEASE STAND BY sign is held up and all action on stage comes to a halt.
ANNOUNCER (from offstage): Ladies and gentlemen, due to on-going negotiations between this station and the Time-Warner Cable Company, this program can no longer be seen over your cable lines ....

PAT MCGROIN (to the ANNOUNCER): What?!? But I was just about to announce the name of our winner!! How will the audience find out who will MARRY AN ASTRONAUT???

ANNOUNCER (from offstage): Fortunately for our viewing audience, this program can still be seen over the regular airwaves, using conventional aerial antennas ...

PAT MCGROIN (to the people offstage): QUICK!! Someone install some rabbit ears before the audience misses the big announcement!!

Stage hands quickly run up to the Skit Judges and place on their heads a set of rabbit ear antennas. The PLEASE STAND BY sign is removed.
PAT MCGROIN (to the audience): Welcome back, folks! As I was saying, the moment we’ve all been waiting for!

Stage hands resume the "drum-roll" as PAT MCGROIN quickly reads the card to himself.
PAT MCGROIN (shocked and amazed): Ladies and gentlemen, this is amazing!! The judges have unanimously chosen a write-in contestant! The new Mrs. Bud Lightbeer is ... MISS CONCEPTION!!

Enter MISS CONCEPTION, smiling and giggling. BUD LIGHTBEER is totally in shock and horror and tries to make a run for it. However, MISS CONCEPTION is on top of him before he can get away. MISS CONCEPTION smothers BUD with hugs and kisses. POLLY NOMIAL watches in disbelief and disgust.
PAT MCGROIN takes center stage, while CONCEPTION and BUD continue to struggle in the background.
PAT MCGROIN (to the audience): Well folks, that’s the end of our program. Just goes to show you that a girl’s dream of becoming an astronaut’s wife can still come true. From all of us hear at the Surfin’ Chili Network, thank you for watching! Good night!!

PAT waves. BUD and CONCEPTION continue to struggle. BUD vainly implores help from the audience.
ANNOUNCER (from offstage): Tonight’s presentation was proudly brought to you by ...

END with a S-U-R-F-I-N rally chant.